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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separated/divorved - how does Christmas work for you?

45 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/10/2015 05:11

STBEH left in February. Trying to keep things amicable although very difficult due to the kind of person he is.
Yesterday I sent him an email regarding Christmas and asking his plans, he's told the DC recently he doesn't want Christmas lunch with us and I wanted to have that confirmed.

His reply said how he thinks it's important we have some time separately with the children but also try and keep to some of our traditions. Ok, all well and good. And in this light he wants to spend Christmas Eve with us, be there Christmas morning, then have them Boxing Day and overnight.

Hmmmmmm now to me this seems a bit unfair? I want to get this right from the start. Also how on earth does it work that he sees them open their gifts, they have always done that about 5am! Do I have to make them wait until he gets here?

OP posts:

GingerIvy · 30/10/2015 08:02

not allowing you "alone time" with them. (not "now") typo.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/10/2015 08:13

The joint presents thing is in the children's care agreement both solicitors now have, so not sure how easy it is to change? But I'm thinking it gives him far too much control over what I'm allowed to get them.

Just asked DC when they want to see dad over Xmas. Middle one has suggested 27th. Youngest wants daddy to stay here Xmas eve! No!!!

And just wondering (can't ask my solicitor as she will think I'm insane!).....I'm still in family home (hasnt sold yet). Is it ok to put up whatever Xmas decs I want. I can already feel the start of opposition from him over it and I just need to know if I'm within my rights to do that?

OP posts:

GoodtoBetter · 30/10/2015 08:18

He's not living there, you can put up whatever decorations you like. I really think you need to sort out separate presents, maybe you could ask your solicitor about that?

GingerIvy · 30/10/2015 09:02

the joint presents is in the care agreement??? Seriously? I'd speak to your solicitor. That just ties you to him and enables his control over you even more. It's ridiculous.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/10/2015 17:56

Yes, it was all part of a booklet we had to fill in. Who does dentist appointments (me), drs (me), deals with school (also me), that kind of thing.

OP posts:

cranberryx · 30/10/2015 18:20

As a child of divorce, I always remember the bonus of having 'two Christmases'

Even now I go to DF's on Xmas day and DM's on Boxing Day (she is off visiting people up north on the actual day so this suits her fine)

cranberryx · 30/10/2015 18:21

Just read that about the presents?

That's so unreasonable! I can understand medical appointments as children need though but presents are a luxury not really a necessity?

hampsterdam · 30/10/2015 18:38

He doesn't want to stay over Xmas eve does he?? Agree with pp when do you get time alone with dcs, to start making new traditions? He pushes in to your time then gets time alone. Don't do it.
My ex comes here to see ds open his presents from him, I make him a coffee/cup of bovril then off to the pub for a couple of hours. We will give him a lift home or to town on the way to pick up dss. Alternate years we pick him up after dropping dss off. You can be amicable without pretending to be a happy family.

hampsterdam · 30/10/2015 18:40

If you can do separate presents he can pick them up after Xmas lunch and take them to his to do presents and boxing day.

clam · 30/10/2015 18:40

You've got it in writing that you have to share Christmas presents?

That would be absolutely intolerable for me.

riverboat1 · 30/10/2015 18:47

I think the joint presents thing is really misguided! Surely one of the few perks of being a child of separated parents is the double presents (iyswim) thing. It is certainly something DSS enjoys about Christmas, two separate sessions of present giving/unwrapping!

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/10/2015 19:11

Somewhat selfishly I don't want him to have them part of xmas day on his own this year. Maybe I will feel differently next year but I think with middle DD being ill she needs to be home where she feels safe (her words) on the day and I have no family at all to spend time with. Whereas he does. I can cope with Boxing Day.

OP posts:

GingerIvy · 30/10/2015 19:55

I would think you could get around it by having one big joint present for the dcs, then you each can get smaller individual presents to give during your time alone with the dcs.

GingerIvy · 30/10/2015 19:57

If we had to do joint presents, then my ex would expect me to take care of it all, pay for it all, and he'd take credit.

GuineverePettigrew · 30/10/2015 20:01

My DP goes to the FMH at stupid o'clock (about 7am; 1.5 hrs away) for his kids to open their presents. He's back in Sydney by 9.30. They've always had a big family Christmas with their mum's family so that will continue. He picks them up Boxing Day and this year they'll be with him until mid-January. DP's mum and uncles alternate each year to put on a Christmas Day BBQ - almost all adults so a very different affair (this year at a resort style pool - awesome!)

My exH will have DD from 18-30 December. Then she's with me until mid-January when our normal contact routine resumes. We alternate Christmas each year. I prefer to do it that way as the years she's with me for Christmas I don't want to be bound to plans that enable him to see her on the day.

My family lives all over the country and I lived overseas for 10 years so although we are very close in feelings, a big family Christmas is rare! & my ex, while a twat, is not as controlling or manipulative as yours sounds.

I would also see what you can do about the joint presents. Maybe one joint present would be sufficient....

TooSassy · 30/10/2015 20:10

For my STBXH to be back with us for Xmas, Santa would have to gift wrap him and dump him down the chimney. That's the only chance he has of being back with me on Xmas day. I can't imagine anything worse than having him in the house and seeing him Xmas morning.

Re the DC's.
Every other Christmas with one of us (I want to be able to take them away on my christmas's).
Have sold it to them as they get Christmas twice (which kid doesn't love that idea????)
Presents - we will have a conversation about but I'll be buying the DC's their own.

I'll be making new traditions and making it all just as magical. He doesn't need to be a part of it.

TooSassy · 30/10/2015 20:12

I should add that Christmas is one of the few times of year I actually get to switch off and get time off work. So I am not going to bound to any arrangement whereby I am tied to having to be near him to 'share' the day.

There are many wonderful places for me to explore with the DC's! Cannot wait! ??

wannabestressfree · 30/10/2015 20:21

I really don't think that's enforceable. Where do the presents stay? Could you not sell it in a different way?

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 30/10/2015 20:23

The presents will stay here I guess. Haven't really considered that.

OP posts:

iloverunning36 · 30/10/2015 20:33

With the father of my older 2 children (who is a decent hands on father) we alternate Christmases. One year I have them xmas eve into Christmas day and he picks them up about 4 on xmas day and does xmas day again on Boxing Day then the following year we swap. With the abusive father of my baby who I left last year I just steel myself and tell him what's happenning. He uses all the tricks in his book to try and get what he wants but this year I am going to Paris to see my sister and he can get stuffed (I discussed this with the father of my eldest 2 and although not overjoyed he accepted my reasoning as my mum passed away this year)

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