3 months on from telling him it's over.....ups and downs!

[KentLass43]

So, I finally told him how I felt, that after 20yrs, I no longer loved him "that way" and wanted to split. There were lots of tears - on my part, I don't 'do' talking about feelings w/o crying - I don't think he really believed me at first, hormonal PMT probably was what he put it down to. Eventually, he asked did I want a divorce. Yes, but as neither of us can afford to move out, we kind of agreed to wait until DS has finished GCSEs, so 3 yrs, then sell and split.

Trouble is, we have no other bedroom, so are stuck sharing the same bed. His moods are variable, to say the least. A lot of stuff has come out since That Talk, it's amazing what he hasn't shared with me and seemed amazed that I would be angry about that fact. I was actually mega p'd off - how effing hypocritical of him, when we were supposed to share everything??!!! I find myself getting more and more angry with him over the slightest thing, or mood swings (for either of us!), or going into full-scale attack mode when he dares to start an argument.

Is it possible to survive this? Has anyone else been in this stuck-in-a-hole position and got out of the other side with their sanity?!

By way of a bit more background, he is from overseas, and I have posted before about a possible drink problem (his). We have a teenage DS who is beginning to hate him also but who has a good, open, talkative relationship with me, at least. I really do try and support his dad to him, but let's face it, he's not blind or stupid.

Any words of advice for me please??

You say neither of you can afford to move out, but you will sell and split in 3 years? What difference does it make whether you wait for your son to finish GCSE or not? You want to split, so split! Don't waste three years living in an intolerable situation, it's not good for you or your son.

Sooner rather than later. If it's 3 years before your sons GCSEs then he's not starting the courses till next year. Now is the best time you'll get because if you wait until after GCSEs then you'll then be screwing up his A levels so that'll make it 5 years til you separate.

Absolutely untenable - 3 years til he does his gcse's? No no no. Just imagine what those 3 years are going to be like, hellish, and your DS will KNOW. Now is the best time, otherwise as pp said, it's then alevels, and then he's off to uni after 5 years of misery at home. People think kids don't notice but dear god they do....

Thanks for your words.

Sorry, should have said son does exams next year, so already started courses. Have kind of discussed moving with son, he actually wants to wait until after his A levels, hence the 3yrs. Goes to a really good school, has friends there, etc - we live in an expensive area. Any rent would be more than my mortgage now - equity in the house now, but to buy another even with big cash deposit would be very hard for me and impossible for OH. That would mean moving away from school, so there is my problem. Basically I want OH to bugger off, but he won't move out either. Earns less than me which I think is an issue for him even tho he's always denied it (I don't bring that up, never want to rub his face in it).

I don't want to make things worse for son, but am thinking that pain now may be better in the long run?

Do you honestly think this is the ideal atmosphere for your son to be happy and succeed in his exams? I don't!

Ri the plaster off now, for all your sakes

Stop using your son as an excuse to not make the actual effort to separate, or else some other timely excuse, it's never going to be the right time to do it, it must be dreadful for all concerned living in that kind of atmosphere, and there's no need.

There are options I am sure, could he not move into a room in a shared flat, could you not change your mortgage to interest only until it is sold etc....time to follow through on the fact that you two do not work anymore, all you are doing is prolonging the agony.

Your son is beginning to hate him - wtf, and you want to make him suffer that for the next 3 years.

Get sold up asap, your OH is a selfish arsehole.

If he won't do the right thing, make him, go and see a solicitor and find out what your rights are.

You want to put yourself and your son through 3 years of this hell ?

Are you crazy ?

Your son is nowhere near his gcse's, don't use him as an excuse for your own inaction

If you don't want to split for your own reasons, fine then stay. But fgs, be honest with yourself at least.

I think I am scared of what happens next. I have got him to admit he is depressed, he's seen the GP who wanted to sign him off (not an option, he won't get paid) & put him on ADs. He refused them too. Currently already on meds for BP & cholesterol (which is being in this country's fault, apparently ) and I now think the real reason he refused them was because he knows he drinks too much. I have told him before that I think he is a functioning alcoholic but am accused of being a know it all cos I work in the NHS (non-clinical!).
I get the blame cos when he needed help, I didn't. Whereas when I had PND, he was there etc. But he pushes away help, so you don't bother pushing it back after a while, do you??
Every argument is like a broken record, I don't do enough around the house (he will do stuff when NOT asked, even ironing!) but then expects some kind of medal for it. I'm seeing someone, he knows it, just be honest etc. Jeez, he's put me off for life! How do you prove to someone that you're NOT doing something??
Have now got son GP apptm for Mon for counselling as I feel he needs more support and an unbiased sound-off outlet, I can see what this is doing to him. I'm not stupid. Just scared.

You have the act, for your son's sake. This horrible atmosphere will be damaging him daily.

I could not share a bed with a man I no longer had feeling for.

End it now . Don't put yourself through anymore torture. Just horrid.

equity in the house now, but to buy another even with big cash deposit would be very hard for me and impossible for OH. That would mean moving away from school, so there is my problem.

I live in a very expensive area. There small cheap places even here. OK none of them would be your dream house. Some you'd be cramped with only two people living there. Some are in a bad state. Some are on a very busy road. Some are over shops or pubs. But they definitely exist, even here. I bet you could find somewhere still inside the catchment if you really looked hard. Have you looked properly?

You would be better off robbing a bank. This would also give you a 3 year sentence . But at least you'd have something to show for it.
You will not feel as strong after 3 years of living like this, believe me.

So you think making a good boy, one you have a good relationship with, stay in a situation with a man he's beginning to hate for another 3 years is a good idea?

It's about the worst idea in the history of ideas...

Save your son, save yourself, end the relationship now while you're still civil.