I just want to be wanted

[LunchpackOfNotreDame]

Is it too much to ask to be wanted? Not needed, not dealt with as an obligation but actually wanted.

For dh to not feel he has to spend time with me of an evening because he feels it's what he ought to do or because I've made it clear I'm sick of being ignored but to suggest we watch a film or have an early night

For someone, anyone, I really don't care who, to pick up the phone and ring me and suggest we go for a coffee and cake

To not have to say to people can we go out or can I come over because I want to catch up but be made to feel a nuisance once I'm there and when the conversation about them has dried up be made to feel like I have to leave

What do I have to do to get someone to want to spend time with me? I bend over backwards to help people where I can, I don't whinge and moan about what's going on in my life because who needs to be around a total eeyore?

Is it too much to ask to be wanted? To not feel like an after thought or an obligation?

Of course it's not too much to ask, everyone wants to be wanted.

What makes you think DH only spends time with you because he thinks he ought to? Does he say that or is it just the feeling you get?

The huffing and puffing noises he makes like I'm tearing him away from something important, then spending all of 10mins with me before declaring he's bored and that he's off to bed because he's tired.

That really doesn't sound very nice, what is it he would rather be doing? I mean does he have a hobby or something that he devotes all his attention to at the expense of everyone else?

It is horrible to feel lonely, which is the impression I get that you feel? Do you talk to any of your friends about how things are with DH? I wonder if they realise you are unhappy but aren't sure what to say or how to broach the subject and that's why there are awkward silences/you feeling like you need to leave. Do you have any family you are close to?

This is the thing all he does is sit at the computer watching you tube videos. Which makes me feel really great about myself.

I never get the chance to talk about me to anyone, not even family, if I try and talk about me the subject is rapidly changed

I am extremely lonely and don't know what I'm doing wrong

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, some people just find it hard to support others for whatever reason. My brother hates any kind of emotion so if he thinks anyone might get upset he will always change the subject pronto to something random to try and avoid it. It is sad if you are listening to others and they are not returning it though. Could you try messaging them first and saying you are having a bad time and would like someone to talk to? Then they will be prepared to give you the time to talk. I know you shouldn't have to but it might help. If you are the sort of person everyone else tells their problems to I think they often forget that you might have your own too.

Has DH been like this for long? Did anything in particular start it off or has it kind of drifted?

Telling people I know I want to talk is a sure fired way to get them to ignore me

Dh has always been a dick only not so selfish. As long as he's ok then he sees that as fine

Then you must make it not OK for him to ignore you. Have you been together long ? Are there children ?
You sound stuck in a rut with people who are happy with their lives, and happy to use you to facilitate their own happiness.
I suspect you need to find new people, notvtry to make the ones you know change.

When you imagine a future you who is happy what is different ?

You are the architect of your own happiness, no-one else has that responsibility and if you find yourself with people who don't appreciate what an intelligent and caring person that you are, then you need to find people who will.
Check out your local WI. Its a great organisation and you'll make friends easily with other women who are on your wavelength.

Thank you

I am stuck in a rut. I've done a stupid thing and written a letter to dh explaining how I'm feeling. That I feel I've spent our entire relationship making him happy I've forgotten how to make me happy. I don't think I'll give it to him but I'm pleased to have written it down.

I don't see a future, I don't think I want one. I've never seen me being around past 40 and I'm nearly there.

"This is the thing all he does is sit at the computer watching you tube videos."

Please tell me he doesn't spend hours watching all those 'fail' videos of teenagers falling off skateboards?

What do you mean by 'never seen me being around past 40'? Do you mean the relationship or, well, you.

Ime the vast majority are selfish, 'consumers', only want people for what they can get out of them, takers. Not many givers about!

Along you come, decent, amenable, giving, fair, kind. Yum! they say, I'll have some of that! And they bleed you dry - bcs they're only interested in what you can do for them, not interested in you at all.

The 'can I come over' shows you're fitting in with them (only bcs they make it like that). Ime I make people like this work hard - they don't usually bother, are shocked I should withdraw my loveliness and expect them to step up and do a bit of work.

Why not send that letter to dh? I can't see why you wouldn't send it. He's taking you for granted, doesn't recognise a good thing - but neither do you! You've given and given and he has taken and taken - why accept that, it's pants.

Dh is unlikely to change so maybe it's time you either work with what you have but get out more and take up some new interests or leave him and start again. Do you have kids?