Now he starts talking and sharing....in mediation!!!!

[TooSassy]

Summary of situation.

Married coming up 10 years. Circa 3 months ago, evidence uncovered of multiple (and I mean multiple) infidelities. I filed for divorce. The last few years of the marriage had been exceptionally hard. Intimacy, communication all had broken down. Both our faults. Anytime I tried to talk or broach the walls, I was faced with immense anger and criticism. I in turn erected my walls. You see how this ends.

He never ever sat me down to say he was unhappy. Or sad. Or lonely. Or any of those things.

Now that he is facing the consequences of his actions, now the emotions come out. Anger, loneliness, depression, shame and guilt. He is in mediation telling me how tough the last few months have been on him. Because they've been such a walk in the park for me of course. The week I discovered what he had been up to and the extent of his activities was the worst week of my life.

Quite honestly I couldn't give a flying fuck if he is feeling lonely. Or sad. Or depressed. He cheated, multiple times. He used our money to cheat. He used time that he should have been at home with our DC's to sleep with other people. Then he came home and kissed us with that mouth. Sickening.

Is my reaction wrong? Should I feel some empathy or sympathy towards him?
Have any others faced this and if so how have you coped?

Because I sit in mediation looking at this semi weeping man and I feel like an iceberg in response. I just don't know if that's normal. Is it?

You don't have to use mediation. I was told that by my solicitor too. Court isn't the only other alternative. You can also do the financials with your solicitor amicably without it escalating to court. Indeed you can have both solicitors sit in a room with you and ex and sort financials like that. Depending on the cost of your mediation it might not be that much more expensive than mediation.

Mediation with a controlling man is absolutely impossible. If they aren't crying they are lying just so they save face. And it takes a very skilled mediator to see that.

Ha, my ex started to see the light in mediation as well. "I never knew you felt like that," he said in a sort of wondering tone. "You would have if you'd listened to me at any time over the last 25 years", I replied in a sort of robust tone.

Annie I looked for the like button for your "robust" tone.

Not in mediation, but separated for nearly a year, after infidelities, lies, oh too much abuse to mention. STBXH left to pursue his new life.

Now he's depressed, cries, asks to come back (NO), sends long miserable texts and looks absolutely broken.

I too am a robust toned iceberg. It must come as such a shock to these wankers when their manipulations don't work any more.

Well done OP.

TooSassy I'd be exactly the same! I'm nearly 5 weeks into separation from cheating husband and haven't cried in front of him. I've cried in front of my close friends who love and respect me and not for personal gain or sympathy like your dirt bag STBXH is doing.
What twats these men are! They seem to think our world revolves around them, nope, not ever and definitely not now!
AF love that blog!! I'll enjoy reading

Morning all

He's not at all controlling. Nor is the session a long rant/ shouting. We've actually managed to achieve a fair bit. It's just interspersed with moments like this. Re. The cost it's a hell of lot cheaper than my lawyer and the cost is split equally between us both. Mediator is very experienced (she's superb actually) and is navigating his tantrum prone personality so we can actually get the framework hammered out amicably.

My lawyer is not there for amicability. He's there to protect my interests and to be unleashed if STBXH doesn't play well. So for our situation, mediation is ideal

I'd be very tempted, when he goes off on one of these tangents, to lean back in my chair and open Facebook on my phone.

Some posters have mentioned manipulative behaviour in mediation... Do mediators see that?! It's manipulation so they may not. It just makes me ill that these men can be EA and manipulator a and get away with it.

It's good that's it's working TooSassy!

Hi homely1

It only appears to be working so far, I'll only be able to report back that it's been successful if a framework is hammered out and handed to my lawyer. Fingers crossed.

IMO a good mediator is invaluable. For a number of reasons.

• There is no way I could sit with him alone and work through these issues.
• The only other option (v. Expensive) is via lawyers. Because mediators are fixed price and costs are shared, the costs are a fraction that my lawyer costs.
• My mediator has a strong background in the practise of family law with a layer of counselling capability layered on top. She can absolutely see the dynamic between us and is handling it.
• mediation is in no way appropriate for those who have had any sort of abuse. My STBXH has been a twunt but I have never been subject to abuse. End of. Manipulation a little, yes, but nothing worrying.

Mediators are becoming increasingly popular for situations like mine where the divorce itself has happened non amicably but where DC's are involved. Let the mediator take the slightly more gentle yet firm approach. If it doesn't work. I'll go the lawyer / court route.

IMO, it's been worth it and I think more couples parting ways should use it.

I've recently discovered something on ChumpLady. If you're in an article that's more relevant to your issue, click on one of the tags at the bottom (in this instance, "cheater tactics" would work), and you get similar articles all grouped together. She doesn't have a search engine (that I've discovered anyway), so this helps drill through at least. HTH

Och! Been there! My sbxh came literally crying to me when ow2 fell pregnant. Another commitment was the last thing he wanted. They're now married with 3 dc and he's on his 4th affair since they got together.

Keep going op and take no notice of his 'woe is me' act.

You sound so in control TooSassy

Don't feel in control truth be told.

It's like dealing with a grenade that could explode at anytime. The situation has settled a lot over the past week or so. Am desperately hoping it remains so, so that we can get through mediation and just get the divorce done and dusted.

Let's hope the settling isn't in fact the calm before the storm!