You may well recognise parts of this, I have messaged before about bits of my life. I need to put this all together to know who I am and what I do next.
I am the youngest of six children, I am aged 51, I don't feel at peace in my life or happy.
I was a very very lonely child, my brothers and sisters were a fair bit older than me and as children were very close and did lots together. I was a mistake, often told to me by my siblings and made clear to me by my parents. I was an only child in a large family. I will give you some examples just so you understand.
Christmas night one year the local pub decided to open, but it was only for over 16s, all my brothers and sisters were over that age, so everyone left me on Christmas night and went and had fun, while I was left alone.
Another year, I was possibly 15/16, it was New Year's Eve, I was invited to a party, but I was only allowed to go if I was back by 11.30???? I walked home alone from the party, knowing no one would be in, everyone of the family was out doing their own thing and I sat alone. No one knew if I was home or not, but I wouldn't defy my parents by staying out.
My birthday is in January, I was never given present as it was too close to Christmas, I was instructed however to tell anyone who asked, that I got money.
My mother particularly didn't like me, but that is a whole different thread.
As children we used to visit an aunt and uncle who had a small holding, my uncle abused myself and my sisters. We have discussed this, I seemed to have suffered more, probably as I was often left alone when the others went off the small holding to do stuff together, I was more of a target.
In addition to this, when I was 14 (a very young and naive 14) I started to babysit for a friend of my parents, the husband can only what I can describe as "groomed" me, he took my virginity, used me, got me to perform all sorts of sexual acts. I accept my part in this, I went wilingly, I thought he loved me, I thought he was going to leave his wife for me. I was very very young for my age, very naive.
When I first started dating my husband, my one and only boyfriend at 18, I didn't go near any other boys since the babysitting stuff. I told him about the friend of the parents. He was massively angry with me, screaming why did I do that stuff, I remember I ran and hid in a dustbin shelter behind one of those really large bins. Eventually he left and I went home. He of course was massively sorry the next day, blah blah and eventually I married him.
I became a very strong person, I got into a job that was a good career path and was/am doing well.
We have two sons, they have now left home, the most recent was around four months ago.
I never told my husband about the uncle, nor would I have done, however my sister did.
So, I am a strong person, the only thing my husband can hurt me with is the sexual abuse, largely we have a happy marriage, but along the way he has used the abuse to hurt me. I think he previously had a porn habit which I think stopped after my finding evidence of him paying for stuff last Christmas Day, previously I would have reacted differently to finding this stuff but that day I just broke down. I just cried, something he probably didn't expect. He had been distant and not wanting to have sex with me, now I know why again, I had had enough and I didn't want him to be near me. I have seen a big difference since then, but I'm not sure it's enough.
Examples of over the years what he has said, done......
On more than one occasion, I have been told "I don't act like a sex abuse victim", not sure how an abuse victim acts, but I refuse for the previous people in my life hurt me know.
Not long after marriage, it was my birthday, again we had not made love for sometime, I tried to initiate it. I couldn't see why he would not ant me, long story short, he did start but then as we were kissing he viciously but me and told me I was too fat and turned him off. Lots of stuff was said that night, I was devastated and can remember everything like it was yesterday. The next day he came to my office to apologise, he could've came to my office the previous day to wish me happy birthday, but he did nothing for my birthday, I got the wine, I got the did, he did nothing. But then he is sorry.
A lot of the time over the years he has gone off me, I have very rarely not wanted him or if I didn't I would often "pleasure" him, willingly I would add. Howeve, i remember once that I suggested that maybe even if he didn't want sex with me, he could repay the "favour" after all our sex life wasn't all about him. He agreed, I felt he was being a bit clumsy, but a little way into it, he said, you can't possibly be enjoying this, I realised then he was actually deliberately attempting make me physically uncomfortable.
There is more, but that's some examples, I will add there have been years gone by without incident at times.
So this leads me to today, I feel massive anger about everything over the years. Bizarrely, not about my abusers, but about my husband. They didn't love me, my husband said/says he does. I cannot move on, I time after time, week after week, month after month keep going over what's happened. Things are good in the marriage at the moment but today was one of my bad days, another row about the same things, I at times feel hatred, I need to find closure.
I keep asking him the same questions, why? Why did you say/do those things, why did you take my most inner feelings and use them against me? Why? Why? Why?
I need to be able to forgive and move on, I'm hurting again today. How do i do this?
Sometimes he gets angry and says that some of the stuff was 30 years ago, he is right, some is. I cannot seem to let it go, I feel so low again today and I just need to find some peace. Other times he is massively apologetic, he is desperate for us not to separate, I don't think I want that either.
I don't know what I expect any of you to say, but it's helped me writing a lot of it down. Sorry it's so long.