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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband issue

13 replies

Zkk50 · 28/10/2015 21:09

Hi all, just asking for a bit of insight to other people's family life really. I feel like my husband takes me for granted and is very lazy round the house however he feels that he does no less than 'anybody else' he knows. I will give him his due and say that he works very hard in a full time job and does a great job providing for the family. We have two boys 13 and 10 and two dogs, one being a 3 month old puppy, so quite a busy family. I only work 2 hours a day so have no issue at all in taking on the majority of the household chores on a daily basis. The problems come normally on a weekend or when he gets time off work. For example, I have been decorating recently (he doesn't do decorating) yet he expects me to decorate, clean up and then cook a family meal while he sits and watches tv/PlayStation/read and wouldn't bat an eyelid if I was still running around at 9 at night. He does a similar thing if we go out for the day, comes home sits down while I run round. He never gets up in a morning with the kids/dogs claiming it's his day off so his lie in. What I really want to know is am I being unreasonable expecting him to help me or are other families exactly the same. I feel that this situation is causing a lot of resentment in my marriage and and advise would be gratefully received xxx

OP posts:

SecretRed · 28/10/2015 21:15

It's not reflective of a normal (happy) family no.
He is massively taking the piss. You are not his maid.

Original poster

Zkk50 · 28/10/2015 21:24

Thanks you're right this isn't a happy marriage at the minute

OP posts:

PeppasNanna · 28/10/2015 21:35

He sounds very lazy...quite like my dp.
I literally end up giving/shouting orders to make him & the dc move!

They dont care about the stste of the house or if im exhausted.

I dont have any answers but will keep an eye on this thread to see if othets can suggest solutions.

Friendlystories · 28/10/2015 21:50

The way my DH looks at it, whether I'm at work or home (I work part time and home educate our DD) I've been as busy as he is at work all day so whatever's left to do evenings/weekends is split between us so we can both sit down when it's all done. He gets up before me for work during the week and does stay in bed later at the weekend but will usually still leave me in bed and go and sort the dogs and start breakfast because I do it all week. DIY jobs we tend to do together but stuff like cutting the lawn he does because I do the majority of cleaning and laundry while I'm home during the week. It feels fair, we both get equal downtime and I think that's what matters, yours sounds very unequal if you're running about and he's sat down.

Dungandbother · 28/10/2015 22:06

Can you write down all the tasks you do over a week? Including meal plans, kids plans, housework.

Have it ready but secret and then ask him to do his.

If he can't see how much of an arse he's being then maybe go on strike. Stop cooking and cleaning and laundering for HIM.

Original poster

Zkk50 · 28/10/2015 22:25

That's a great idea, thanks for the advise xx

OP posts:

blushingbelinda · 28/10/2015 22:29

I was in this position once & I downed tools. I discovered there were no depths my dh wouldn't let the house sink to. In the end, we divorced.

Seeyounearertime · 28/10/2015 22:46

He sounds like he's stuck in the 1950s. Lol.
I'd down tools over the weekend and go out. It's my advice to anyone in this situation. Tbh.
Hand all control over to him and leave for the whole day, maybe even overnight. See how he copes and it gets you a day or two of rest doing what you choose.

Joysmum · 28/10/2015 22:46

I work on the basis that both should have equal leisure time. If you don't then you've got a problem.

I did have a real problem at one stage in that I had more leisure time and felt guilty to do my hobby, then I realize see that DH considered his job to be his passion also and he worked stupidly long hours and I didn't want to.

Things came to a head because I was putting too much pressure on myself to keep up and resented that he spent so little time with us.

I remember finally having my epiphany when I wanted him to cut back his working hours and he said he was only doing it for us. I then said did that mean that in honestly he could say if he didn't have us he'd work less hours? Of course he couldn't and that made us both reassess our attitudes to his work and his role at home.

I think many workaholics use the working for the family as their excuse to do what they would do anyway if they didn't have a family.

Drew64 · 29/10/2015 10:04

He certainly does a lot less than me.

At the moment my DW is working 20hrs a week, because of the hours very little time is left for chores during the week so we both blitz them at the weekend. I spent a whole day a couple of weeks ago ironing so we could catch up on the laundry. One of us will take upstairs, one of us will take downstairs and blitz the housework.

When she was not working we would do the same if she had a lazy week even though I had worked all week full time with an hour commute each way.

We just see what needs doing and get on with it regardless as to what it is.

So...do you think he will change? I'm not sure judging by your post.
Are you prepared to put up with it?

ILiveAtTheBeach · 29/10/2015 10:21

If you only work 2 hours a day, why on earth would you still be running about doing chores at 9pm?! I think you are a bit unreasonable actually. If you work, say 9am till 11am, that gives you about 7 or 8 hours to kill before dinner. Surely you can do all that needs doing in this time! If you can't, then you're not very organised, IMO.

I work from home. It's quite an easy job. My DH works long hours in a stressful & dangerous job. When he gets in he relaxes for an hour whilst I prepare dinner. I do all of the household chores, as I have hours at home that he simply doesn't have. He does cook sometimes, but if he fancies it rather than me making him.

You say he's working full time, so he's working 40 hours a week and you're working for 10. So technically, you could do 30 hours of housework a week and then you'd be even. And no one needs to do 30 hours of house work a week. Unless you're in a Mansion, in which case get a maid

Crinkle77 · 29/10/2015 10:39

Whilst I agree that as you only work 10 hours a week you should be doing the lions share of the work but the very least he could do is prepare a meal if you are decorating.

Crinkle77 · 29/10/2015 10:48

ILive there are lots of reasons why the OP would still be running around until 9pm. Cleaning up after tea, getting kids organised for bed (ok they are older but still need chivvying along), feeding dogs, cleaning up after dogs, taking dogs out, kids homework, packed lunches to sort out etc... the list is endless.

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