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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Best friend's husband hit on me...

103 replies

diamondsonthesoles · 28/10/2015 18:16

...he is also really good friends with my husband.

I don't know what to do! He has misinterpreted my behaviour as flirtatious (I have been friendly!). My husband has no notion of anything. I hope my friend hasn't either. I have told him that nothing will ever happen but nor sure I'm being taken seriously...

Should I tell or just hope it blows over?

OP posts:

Report

mix56 · 29/10/2015 06:47

He may well be a serial letch & try it on with many others too. Tell OH to protect yourself, then leave it.

jellyjiggles · 29/10/2015 07:06

I've been there op! I told my DH and we now have no contact with the couple involved. It's the only way I can manage it.

We used to be really really good friends. The other bloke told me 'nobody would know', 'he'd liked me forever and knew I liked him' etc etc. He wanted an affair with me and actually said we'd get away with it because if he was asked he would deny everything!!

I did like him (goodness knows why!) but thankfully I liked my dh more and had a brain

I think it's almost 4 years now with no contact and that time has helped me see what a complete knob the man was.

Dh knows everything. I knew I could tell him because we have a good honest relationship and I couldn't see this man again. I can't pretend or lie well!

It's a shit situation to be in. I suggest you consider your dh's reaction and pick your time carefully but tell him soon. The longer you leave it the worse it gets. I left it to long and it became more complicated than it needed to.

FredaMayor · 29/10/2015 07:34

OP, are you concerned that if you tell DH he would think you should not be going out and/or drinking?

You can be as assertive as you like with flirts and gropers, you know, nobody will stop liking you for that reason.

hesterton · 29/10/2015 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellyjiggles · 29/10/2015 07:44

Hesterton has a very good point! I ignored for too long and it got very uncomfortable. I

Cloppysow · 29/10/2015 07:57

He didn't hit on you. He sexually assaulted you and blamed it on you by saying you'd been flirting. Fucking sleazy creep.

CuteAsaF0x · 29/10/2015 07:59

sleazy creep.

I lost a friend out of similar circumstances years ago. I didn't set out to lose her of course but I think you have to 'absorb' that loss. You can't let him away with that.

CuteAsaF0x · 29/10/2015 08:05

ps, if you had been "flirting for months" then I don't think your husband wouldn't have noticed. He's not blind is he? Your husband happily left you with people you were friendly with. He is definitely trying to blame you.

waitingforcalpoltowork · 29/10/2015 08:09

tell your DH tell him this is why you want to detach from this friendship the guys behaviour is unquestionably wrong

Isetan · 29/10/2015 09:32

Tell your H. You have done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed off, don't let this poor excuse for a man make you feel otherwise. Not telling your H protects the perpetrator.

ineedabodytransplant · 29/10/2015 11:11

When I was married, if a 'friend' had groped my OH I'd have wanted to know. I would know he was no friend and someone not to be trusted or have around my family. Tell your OH. He's assaulted you once, who's to say what he'll do if he ever manages to get you alone again. Or even knows you're alone. Not trying to frighten you, but if he's sleazy enough to grab you once...

ragged · 29/10/2015 11:57

I think my next move would be to meet up with the Groper somewhere neutral in day time (cafe) & then tear a strip off him about how he should be ashamed of himself & if anything like that ever happened again I'd tell the world All & Sundry. But for sake of both your marriages & his friendship with OP's DH it could stay between us provisionally because I'd be hoping it was just a drunken moment of madness. And in future Do Not Assume anything about me.

QueenPotato · 29/10/2015 12:14

I don't agree with any of the people who are saying keep it quiet for the sake of relationships and friendships. No way! That makes it seem like you have something to hide yourself, or should have some sense of shame. This man deserves to be shamed and for everyone to know what he's like. If you brush it under the carpet he'll think he can carry on doing it, to you or others. It's like saying "OK you molested me but I'll protect you." That is what men like this want – they think they can get away with this shit.

ragged · 29/10/2015 12:19

I think we all agree the bloke should be punished & shamed, QP.

The Question is whether lots of other people need to be upset in the process (OP's DH, OP's mate, mutual friends, their children who may be mates, etc). All because of the stupidity of one bloke. Revenge on him or calling him to account shouldn't be a selfish act that pointlessly hurts other people, too.

AnnaMarlowe · 29/10/2015 12:22

Women brushing this kind of thing off as trivial and 'not worth losing a friend over' is why some men continue to think it's ok.

This isn't trivial. It's sexual assault.
From your OP this man deliberately manoeuvred you into a situation where he could do this to you.

And then he blamed you.

And now you feel guilty about the potential impact on your friendship group.

And he has impacted your relationship with your DH by causing you to lie (by omission) to your husband.

This is in no way trivial.

Any consequences as a result of his actions belong to him. And him alone.

Please stop worrying about it and TELL YOUR HUSBAND.

Cocolepew · 29/10/2015 12:24

A man who assaults you and then tries to blame it on you isn't a friend of either you or your DH.
You need to tell your DH.

AnnaMarlowe · 29/10/2015 12:26

Ragged I think you are wrong.

How far does this man have to go to make it acceptable for the OP to tell? To make it acceptable to "upset" people?

Multiple sexual assaults?
Attempted rape?

jaxswagger · 29/10/2015 12:31

Midlife crisis?
He sounds like the type of idiot who thinks that just because a younger woman is being friendly, that it must mean she is flirting with him and fancies him.
What a moron.
Tell your husband.

nauticant · 29/10/2015 12:36

I think my next move would be to meet up with the Groper somewhere neutral in day time (cafe) & then tear a strip off him

Absolutely bonkers advice. DH finds out "something" and the OP says "well, after being sexually assaulted I thought I'd meet up with the man for a chat".

QueenPotato · 29/10/2015 12:37

Exactly Anna. The message to a victim of assault should NEVER be "Oh, don't rock the boat. You might upset people if you talk about this." Haven't we had enough centuries of that?

If you were punched in the street or had your bag snatched, would you keep it quiet because it might upset the perpetrator's family? No. You were subjected to this and that is what matters. Nit his feelings or anyone else's. Yours.

He's upset you, he is the guilty one and the one who is to blame for people being upset.

diamondsonthesoles · 29/10/2015 12:47

Thank you for all the advice. As the three of us work together it is so complicated...nothing has happened since. I know my husband will support/believe/help/care we have a good relationship but not seeing these people again is just not an option for at least 8 months. And I love my friend...but I would want to know if I were her...

OP posts:

diamondsonthesoles · 29/10/2015 12:47

Think there may be something in the midlife crisis idea...I'm 30 he is nearly 50?

OP posts:

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NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 12:58

"As the three of us work together it is so complicated...nothing has happened since. I know my husband will support/believe/help/care we have a good relationship but not seeing these people again is just not an option for at least 8 months. And I love my friend...but I would want to know if I were her..."

In that case you should definitely tell them both.

AnnaMarlowe · 29/10/2015 12:59

Personally I think it is minimising to describe predatory behaviour as 'a midlife crisis'.

Your respective ages are irrelevant.

It doesn't matter why he behaved that way - only that he did.

He hasn't apologised has he? He doesn't regret it.

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 13:03

As you work together, things are going to be awkward, but it would be so much worse if your DH and friend didn't know why. It would be a dirty secret between you and her husband.

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