Best friend's husband hit on me...

[diamondsonthesoles]

...he is also really good friends with my husband.

I don't know what to do! He has misinterpreted my behaviour as flirtatious (I have been friendly!). My husband has no notion of anything. I hope my friend hasn't either. I have told him that nothing will ever happen but nor sure I'm being taken seriously...

Should I tell or just hope it blows over?

[NameChange30]

So what if you are "a bit of a flirt"? A bit of harmless flirting is no big deal. It's certainly not an invitation for someone to sexually assault you.

FWIW, I don't think you have left it too long. I think you can still tell your DH if and when you want to.

[diamondsonthesoles]

I worried about my behaviour when drinking since...have gone through periods not drinking, excessive drinking (when early 20's) and felt that had come out the other side and was back on an even keel. This man doesn't know my history. We are back at work tomorrow. Hope all ok really. Think I've left it too long now!

[tribpot]

If you seemed like a flirt, why would the only person hitting on you be a close friend who knows perfectly well that you are married? This is entirely on him, not you. If you can easily not be around him again I don't see what the impediment is to telling your DH and your friend.

Given your history and the way a very serious sexual assault was brushed under the carpet (and, I assume, you were made to feel to blame for it in some way) it's understandable that you have had your confidence knocked but this was not your fault. He's a sleaze bag. You are far too willing to believe he is embarrassed, all he's said is that it was 'foolish'. That could mean anything. Perhaps he would expand on that to say he was foolish to respond to your (non-existent) overtures. He isn't sorry, and I bet he has form for this - why else hit on a friend who would have to face a complex social dilemma if she admitted what had happened?

[diamondsonthesoles]

So I had think after speaking to me all will be good. I think he is embarrassed and was very drunk. I can easily not be around him alone again. It's just shaken my confidence about how I have portrayed myself though. I have three small children, just lost the weight from my baby and we are in a position to socialise a little more over here so have been out more than we would in the UK. Just wondering if I just seem like a bit of a flirt now .

[AnnaMarlowe]

Ragged I merely said I thought you were wrong. How on earth does that stop you "expressing an honest opinion on MN"?

And no of course not every man groping an unwilling woman in a taxi leads to rape. My point was that women was socialised not to report because it will 'upset' everyone or because it will 'damage his career' or 'ruin his marriage'.

I intend to teach my son and daughter that those consequences are wholly the responsibility of the offender. Not the person who reports the wrong doing.

[blueshoes]

What hesterton said. Don't keep this creep's filthy secrets or be an accomplice in your dh's deception and disrespect.

You are putting yourself in the creep's power.

You don't have to make a big deal of it when you tell your dh, but tell you must.

[LeaLeander]

CuteAsaFox, bizarre isn't it?

This one I actually used to go to sporting events with him and his wife, we all had a mutual interest I thought of him as an "uncle" if anything we smoked back then and his wife used to stop and have a cigarette with me if she was passing by the office so his crazy fantasies were even more shocking. "We can go to X restaurant for dinner and you can wear that black strapless dress you wore at the office Christmas party.." etc. etc. -- I couldn't bolt from that encounter fast enough and locked my car doors as I squealed out of the parking lot.

What was weird was that whole subsequent month the office was gossiping about him "Did you know Dave got an apartment on his own?" "Dave isn't wearing his wedding ring!" etc. etc. and I just kept my mouth shut. But then one day I was very late to work due to a household emergency and he pitched a fit my supervisor was on leave so he was my de facto boss for a while and that is when I pointed to the phone and said "Fine, let's call Jay in HR on speakerphone and discuss my lateness and your sexual harrassment of me. Dial the number." He walked away, never spoke to me again and people thought it was so odd I didn't go to his leave-taking party some months later. What a weirdo. He had been married at a young age due to his wife's pregnancy they were 20 or 21, I think and apparently he felt he had missed out on something. And I was a convenient person to pin a fantasy on. He didn't even really know me.

sorry to hijack, hadn't thought of that anecdote in a long time!

[CuteAsaF0x]

I would write a letter to yourself, exactly what happened. If you won't tell your husband, then keep the letter. Just in case.

[CuteAsaF0x]

LEALander had a similar experience. AGed 28, him 44.

When I was really shocked, he spent a week really upset and then when he figured out that I was genuinely horrified, he then proceeded to go about slagging me off to all who'd listen. I left the company three years later and he was still bad-mouthing me to anybody who'd listen.

[diamondsonthesoles]

No nothing, it was complicated and dumbed down.

[NameChange30]

Lea
"Many people make drunken overtures without it rising to the level of "sexual assault."
Did you read the part where he got her into a taxi and groped her? Groping is unwanted sexual touching. That is sexual assault. It's different from "drunken overtures" which would be flirting with someone, telling them you're interested, inviting them to have sex, or even leaning in for a kiss (which the other person can refuse by stepping back). Groping is in a completely different category, it's touching without permission and it's aggressive.

[diamondsonthesoles]

I think he knows...

I have been firm when he approached me today. He was embarrassed I think. I think that is the end of it.

[NameChange30]

"I do worry a lot if it was my behaviour though"
It's not your fault. It has never been your fault. It's always the perpetrator's fault. Have you ever had counselling from Rape Crisis or similar?

[FantasticButtocks]

And nor was what happened to you in the past your fault. Just to be clear.

[FantasticButtocks]

Please don't blame yourself because of things which have happened to you in the past This wasn't your fault.

It is your self-blame that is stopping you from telling DH. Having a secret from DH will make you feel worse.

[LeaLeander]

Repugnant behavior on his part but I don't think it rises to a level that the OP has to inform others. Many people make drunken overtures without it rising to the level of "sexual assault."

I would make it clear to the man that his advances were unwelcome and that if it happens again you will inform your husband, his wife and your mutual employer. I have a feeling the matter won't be repeated. He's probably kicking himself and cringing.

I had a work colleague (him age 42, me age 24) invite me to dinner on pretext of discussing a work situation and (not drunk) proceed to inform me that he had moved out from his wife, the it was no longer necessary for us to hide our passionate love for one another behind vague workplace banter and that he just knew I was going to make a great stepmother to his daughters (who were only about five or six years younger than I.) Talk about your WTF moment. WHERE did all of that come from? He (a respected computer expert working for major high-tech firm) was delusional. I hurriedly left the restaurant.

Even at that age I was wise enough to realize it was midlife crisis time for him and that any young woman would have done. He whined and bothered me at home with phone calls for a couple of days until I told him in no uncertain terms that I would get the VP of HR on the phone right that minute unless he left me alone for good. Given that I was subordinate to his position in the company, he would have been fired the next day, and we both knew it as another person had just lost his job in similar circumstances.

Also said that I would provide his wife with recordings from my answering machine, (this was years ago) etc. to use in divorce proceedings, and that my boyfriend could corroborate hearing the unwelcome phone calls coming in. He dropped me like a hot potato. Eventually got back with his wife and they still are together. I am glad I didn't act rashly and make a spectacle of the whole thing when a few firm private words sufficed. Had I been married at the time I would have acted the same.

BUT, OP, he gets one chance to behave and after that, yes, go with the more nuclear option.

[diamondsonthesoles]

He has been in touch and said he was 'foolish'...it's something I guess.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

if you think this is fit to brush under the carpet, how far would he have to go before you changed your mind?

this is a good and worrying question! fortunately its not gone too far here.
I get what you say through, had he gone a step further (I wont say it , use our imagination) would I say the same? yes...

good luck OP, and I am sorry he did this fucking twat wanker he is

[knickernicker]

You needn't have fallout if you and your husband can handle it together. Do tell him, but if it's a case of sitting it out for 8 months for financial security, perhaps you could both agree not to broach it with 'friend' until you've moved on.

[diamondsonthesoles]

I don't feel in any danger from it progressing really. I saw him today. It was ok. I don't feel what he did was assault I just feel uncomfortable...I do have a bad history (drugged, raped and abandoned at 17 neither parent noticed I hadn't come home, found by police etc). So there have been one or two things since but as it is never as bad as that I feel I can mange it...do worry a lot if it was my behaviour though. Hopefully it was ok today and will continue to be. It is a close knit expat community. The fallout might not be worth it?

[QueenPotato]

No, no one said that. What they said was if you think this is fit to brush under the carpet, how far would he have to go before you changed your mind?

It's fine to give your honest opinion, also fine for others to disagree with it.

[ragged]

Wow, a grope = indisputable slippery slope to rape?

It's OP's decision & doesn't matter to me my husband hasn't been in a taxi with any friends lately. Thanks for reminding why honest opinions are never truly welcome on MN.

Hope it all turns out okay for you, diamonds. x

[K1mberly]

Why is it the Ops responsibility to protect Groper from the anger of his friend/ her Dh ?

Why is it not ok for her Dh to " go apeshit " ? ( assuming he's unlikely to commit an offence )

[NameChange30]

No no no no

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Tough one OP. I can see that the upset this would generate would be pretty huge and maybe not proportional.

I would actually contact HIM via email .

Draft an email, along the lines of

what happened the other night was out of order
I don't want it to happen again- clear?
Don't minimise this, and try and blame it on me for flirting either. How dare you grope me and then make out I encouraged you? disgusting
Right now I wont be upsetting DH/BF but I have diarised the incident and if it happens again I will say something
KEEP YOUR FUCKING DISTANCE


you could tell your DH, but then you run the risk it all comes out anyway as you DH might (rightfully) go apeshit