How do I deal with this?

[amiami]

The situation with the in laws has been v tense for a while. A quick summary - started at our wedding - they didn't join us for breakfast on our wedding morning (there were only 8 of us, immediate family), seemed v tense and aloof the whole day.
Deteriorated further since DD arrived a year ago. No interest in me or DH. Come to house to see her, then leave.
We have just bought a house a little further away from them and a little closer to my parents (still 50 mins drive though) They have been rude and miserable ever since we moved. Barely speaking to us when they come over.
The house has needed a lot of work -they have not helped in any way, shape or form yet have been v negative about it when they come over, culminating in them taking DD to a B&B for the afternoon (I did not know where it was, what it was like) rather than sit there, get on with it and help.
DH lost his temper finally last week and tackled them. Told them how they had been upsetting us and me in particular.
We have not heard from them since. It is DD's 1st birthday tomorrow and they are due to look after her on friday while I am in work. I want them to have a nice day with DD but how do I deal with it when I get home? I am still v angry about a lot of issues compounded by the fact they have not tried to make amends this week.
It's spoiling what should be a wonderful celebration.

Do you need them to be such a big part of your lives?

If you are not happy in each other's company, I would have thought you might be better off keeping more of a distance.

For what it's worth, my relationship with PIL was always a lot more strained in the early days of our marriage, but is much better now.

Happy 1st birthday to your dd for Friday

I want to distance myself but DH would feel guilty about DD not spending time with them. They make us feel guilty at every opportunity despite seeing her every fortnight.

I am hoping things may improve with time too but seem to have been saying that for a long time already.

Thanks - I am so excited for her!

Are they quite old ?

They will be the grandparents that they are. They cant be the grandparents that you want them to be. Its out of your control.If you want them in your lives then you need to give more and expect less perhaps ?

Maybe its not very fair of you to buy a house that needs a lot of work and expect them to muck in?

do they drive?

if so i take it no ones stopping them from seeing her more often.

sounds very arsey to me

however must say - i know its your in laws and to some extent that fact alone allows you some leeway - however remember that you can't rely on them to do things for you - then call them names - not fair

also remember you as DIL will never be good enough.

but them not sending card - would be deal breaker for me.

they are 50 and 52 and both drive.

We don't rely on them for help - I only work one day a wk and they alternate having DD with my parents. We established this routine so they could have quality time with her. DH works from home on a flexible basis and could have her if needs be.

we bought the house we could afford - the only reason we expected help is that FIL is an architect, runs a building company and promised us some help! He then didn't send the builders until 2 weeks late and called them off early to another job leaving it unfinished. Hence us expecting a little bit of assistance from him personally.

I'm virtually their age!

I think you need to get on with your lives, including them where possible/bearable.

Obviously FIL has problems/different standards to you in so far as your house in concerned, so you need to take over responsibility for getting it sorted.

Good luck!

Oh they are really young! Maybe they think they are too young to be granny and grandad , especially if she is their first grandchild.

Dont let them spoil tomorrow. You will be able to make sure its a lovely,and loving day,even without them