I'm getting the silent treatment.

[CarpetDiem]

I made a bitchy comment when SIL dropped off a bag of her DDs old clothes (after she had gone) to say 'well I suppose it's easier for her to drop them off here than go straight to the charity shop!'. DH not amused by this sarcastic comment. Fair enough, I shouldn't have said it. Then an hour later as I was about to get on my new treadmill, (bought because I was informed last week I'm looking a bit Roley poley) DD said she wanted to have a go on it, 'please please just 1 minute' but I said no, you can have a go on it later when I've finished (she had already been on the day before) DH went mad at me (in front of the children) give her a go, let her on it, now now. I said no she can wait. Then he started shouting 'you bitch, you know nothing about children, let her on it, let her on it, I paid for half of it let her on it now you stupid fucking bitch- that comment you made earlier about my sister was out of order, you're a real nasty bitch' all of this was at top volume in front of DC.
So I walked out of the room. DD had her 'go' on the treadmill.
I felt very angry, went to make myself a cup of tea, spilt some sugar, threw the sugar caddy down, sugar ended up everywhere, I went straight up for a shower, DH came in WTF have you thrown sugar all over the kitchen for? I said get out the bathroom, I'm angry & I do not want to talk to you.
That was on Sunday & we haven't spoken since.
I texted him earlier to say I apologised for the bitchy comment about the clothes but I expect an apology from him re everything else.
Got text back to say no way is he apologising.
I'm now feeling anxious that this might go on & I don't know what to do for the best.

Do you see that your husband is abusive?

I can only give you my own personal reaction to this: I think you were out of order. The comment about SIL was mean, and it's good you acknowledge that.

It was quite ungenerous of you not to let your DD have a 1-minute go on the treadmill. She's a child. It would have been 1 minute of fun for her, a very brief amount of time for you to wait.

You then threw sugar all over the kitchen and left it to go and have a shower.

It sounds pretty unstable and if I were your partner I'd feel very frustrated and angry.

I don't think he did anything wrong except using vicious swear words in front of your kids which is NOT good, but reading between the lines I just get this vague feeling that you might have a habit of over-reacting and he is bottling up huge amounts of anger.

Here on mumsnet you'll likely be met with many posts dying he's abusive, not just to you but your children etc. Then there will be the case of LTB. All of which will be justified by the opening post I have to say.

I wonder, why do you put up with it? Do you think this is how a relationship should be? If your daughter was spoken to like that in your earshot, what would you think?

You feel anxious because you have experienced his control tactics before, and you know that he does not wish you well: he just wants to "win".

You have apologised to him in the hopes of appeasing him, whereas he has not apologised for his verbal abuse.

He puts you down (you are "rolly poly")

He undermines you (criticises your parenting in front of DC)

He calls you vicious names.

He refuses to admit that he was ever in the wrong.

And fwiw, if you SIL is dropping off clothes you don't want to make her own self feel better about getting rid of her unwanted, then your comment was warranted.

@ Spidergurl.
Nope, I disagree. Sil comment is slightly nasty fair enough but, if Mum says no, dad should say no. Basic parenting in my opinion.
So he undermines her on a simple thing. Flag
He calls her roly poly, there's another flag
He uses vile language directed at a childs mother in earshot of that child, flag 3.
He storms to the bathroom to have a go about spilt sugar, flag 4
Won't apologise, flag 5
Has gone silent and moody, flag 6
Even if all those flags were the palest pink, add them up and they turn red.
(Red flag seems to be a popular expression round here. Lol)

You were wrong for bitching about SIL (some things are better said in your head) and in your position I would have let DD have her quick go on the treadmill but there's no excuse for DH ranting at you like that, especially not in front of DC's. As for the sugar incident why on earth would you not just clean it up? I would be annoyed with DH if he made a mess like that and left me to find it. It does sound like there's a lot of anger flying around, is it always like this?

he's a shit.

He does not respect or like you

You don't seem to like him much either (with good reason)

This is not how a relationship is supposed to be. If you know that, then leave.

I'm sorry but shouting and swearing at you, in front of the children, is abusive towards you and the children. Does he often do that?

Your comment about SIL and clothes might have been a bit mean, but is not abusive.

Telling your DD that she cannot have a go on the treadmill is not abusive. It's a choice. Children aren't really meant to go on them anyway (I've got one too!)

His reaction was completely OTT. You were the first one to back down and apologise, despite not having actually done anyone any harm, and he cannot see that his behaviour is unreasonable!! Not to mention the roley poley comment.

What do you think might happen if this situation carries on? You say that you are worried about it. Has it happened before?

The SIL comment would have been better unsaid, I shouldn't have said it granted.
I take on board the comments about me cleaning up the sugar. I would have been angry had it been him that left a sticky mess.
I don't think he's abusive as such, but he can get angry/ bit shouty.
But he has never not spoken to me for this long.
Guess what I am asking is because I was also in the wrong, should I just apologise? I think I should but I'm still angry about the way he reacted.

My partner can be a right dick sometimes and has problem with anxiety that can make him angry, but I don't think he's ever called me a bitch and I would be horrified if he did. Even though your comment about his sister was rude it was an offhand remark, and doesn't warrant that reaction.
I think you should say 'I understand that what I said about your sister as unfair, and I shouldn't have left the sugar, but I won't be spoken to like that in front of our daughter.' How have you managed not to speak to each other? Has your daughter noticed?

You have apologised though, and YANBU to ask for an apology for his behaviour either. If I were you I'd leave it as that. The ball is in his court, its up to him whether he wants to accept your apology. The real question is whether you're happy to accept his lack of one?

I think the key in situations like this is whether both parties are willing to apologise, you both did/said things you shouldn't have but it sounds like only one of you is big enough to admit it, you shouldn't have to bear all the responsibility for what happened. Did you feel there were problems before this happened?

I would stop apologising to be honest, you have said sorry once already if he hasn't accepted that apology it has moved from being your problem to his.

I think YANBU, simply because you sound like you are being ganged up on when your DH should be there to support you. SIL has obviously spoken to your DH rather than you directly about the comment about the clothes - when if I was SIL I probably would have probably just assumed it was a 'open mouth, engage brain' moment of verbal diarrear. (I can never bloody spell that!)

As for the treadmill, he should have stood by your side about not letting DD on it - he was undermining you. Then to shout at you in front of her? This sounds EA, purely because he is normalising that behaviour as if he wants your DD to start behaving this way to you as well - again, it sounds like you are being ganged up on.

I would embrace the silent treatment at the moment, enjoy it, at least it isn't shouting.

The sugar was immature - but you know that, and when you're feeling that upset sometimes you just can't focus properly and need to get away.

Maybe take yourself out to see a friend or close family member and get away from him and the situation a bit. Your DH wants you to bring it up again so he want be the one in 'power' here - don't let him.

What a horrible way to speak to you, and in front of kids, just awful.

No you shouldn't have said that about SiL but it was hardly on the same level as he got onto, that's a disgusting way to behave esp in front of your daughter and you are wondering if you should keep apologising, really?

I certainly wouldn't, does he often punish you with silence, it's not on.

sigh - he's an abuser.
he's a dreadful husband and father.
you're minimising his behaviour and showing your kids this is how wives and women should be treated.

Well -you were rude re SIL and childish about not letting your D have a quick go on the treadmill. Also childish to leave the sugar on the floor.
He lost his cool and his reaction was abusive and OTT and much worse than what you did.

I would only acknowledge where you were in the wrong if he fully apologises to you first.
Are you under a lot of stress?
It sounds as if you are both very wound up.

Thanks for your advice mumsnetters. I took heed and think in all honesty if I hadn't have said the SIL comment then everything else wouldn't have happened.
So, we've apologised to each other (I instigated it), promised never to speak to each other like that again & are now talking.
Thanks again for the reality check!