Back with ex-husband - advice please

[oncemoreuntothebreach]

Hi All - I hope I'm not going to come across as barmy but would appreciate advice.

My husband and I split up three years ago - his decision. We had been together for 25 years (and have two grown up sons), since we were at school, but things had been a bit difficult for a while and I think he was having some sort of MLC (there was no OW). We are divorced now.

Anyway, for the past couple of years he has said he would like us to get back together and that he regrets us splitting. We've always got on well. I had got into a new relationship which lasted almost a year but then broke up earlier this year. In that time, my ex-husband had been out with a few women but nothing serious.

A few months ago on our son's birthday, we went together to see him and we had a great weekend and long story short, we have been seeing each other since and it's been going great, going on dates, he texts and rings me all the time etc. We haven't told our sons as we agreed to take things slowly (my idea after what we've been through) but we have been seeing quite a lot of each other and I have stayed at his a few times and he stays here if our youngest is out. We had decided to start telling people, started making plans for him moving back in the next few months, holidays etc.

Last night I asked him if he would like to spend Christmas here with me and our son. He was very non-committal and said he wasn't sure what his mum was doing or might spend it with our eldest (who wants to have Christmas in his place with his girlfriend). I was quite upset by this as I felt that we are 'back together' and thought he would want to be with me rather than his mum. I didn't say anything as I don't want to appear needy but he could tell something was wrong. When he'd got home, he texted me twice to say how much he likes being back with me and phoned me too.

I do think taking it slowly is a good thing but would have liked to spend Christmas Day with him as a couple. What do you think? AIBU or too needy?

I didn't say anything as I don't want to appear needy

Please always state your needs, and never feel that you have to hide them or apologise for them. You want to spend Christmas together: say that you want to spend Christmas together. His choice whether to say yes or no.

No, apart from "some sort of MLC", what can you tell us about the reasons you split up, and how those reasons have now been resolved?

*Now, not No.

Just a thought but as you have begun telling people that you are 'back togther', is there any reason why you and your (and your, presumably youngest, ds) can't spend Christmas with his mum or your eldest?

It seems to me that, regardless of why you divorced, you're best advised to tell your exh how you feel about his lack of enthusiasm for spending Christmas Day with you as, being newly reunited, it's entirely natural that you would want to spend it as a couple or, indeed, expect to do so.

I can hear alarm bells, why would he not want to spend Xmas with you, also stop giving him all the power, he ended the marriage cos he thought he could find better out there, now he realises that the grass isn't always greener but still seems to be calling the shots.

You are not being needy expecting a partner to put you first, especially at Xmas time, be careful he doesn't let you down again, take it very slowly, I don't get a good vibe about it.

he does seem to get what he wants doesn't he?

splitting up, divorcing, now getting back together as he has regrets

add to that dangling you on a string with a few calls and promises, spicing it all up by keeping secrets, BUT you want a commitment about Christmas and suddenly he's not sure.... and you are too worried about being needy to all him out on it?

Have you actually told anyone or are you just his fallback secret still??

**call him out, not all

I know a couple very well who did this, and although it was some years ago and attitudes may have changed, some people couldn't get their head around it and were rather suspicious of the couple and felt they were messing other people around. This could be a reason why your Ex is wary, particularly where his family is concerned. I think you should not rush this, OP, both for yourselves and for everyone else.

Christmas is always a minefield regarding last minute arrangements, which I think this counts as. Insisting on your own way for this year looks a little bit needy on your part to me, yes.

I'd take this very slowly. It was possibly the mundaneness of life that made him want to split in the first place. Dating etc is the fun bit. Living with someone full time is the boring bit. Don't put yourself in a position where history could repeat itself. As for Xmas, I would talk to him, that's not needy. Maybe agree a compromise.

I'd be making some bloody amazing plans for Christmas Day and not giving him the satisfaction of mentioning it again.

He doesn't get to call all the shots. You asked, he effectively said no. Don't ask again. Have a great time with DS and slow down the reconciliation now you know he's still capable of letting you down. He'll know why.

Thank you - you have all given me things to think about. I agree that when it's written down, it does look like he's calling all the shots.

We haven't actually told anybody yet but as Freda says, this has been a joint decision as so many people (not just our children) were hurt and upset when we split after such a long time (and obviously there were people who took sides) and we both need to be sure this is going to last.

I guess I am wary of confronting him about Christmas as I fear being rejected again. He has said the reason he left me was he felt I didn't appreciate him and wanted to make all the decisions in our marriage. We have talked a lot but I have tried to play it a bit cool and not let him call all the shots but it sounds like I'm not doing a very good job of it!

My ex has spent every Christmas Day with me since we were 18 (except for last year), even after we had split up. His mum always chooses to spend it with friends and I'm pretty sure my son would like to spend it just with his girlfriend as it is their first year in their new flat (he is coming down a few days before to have a Christmas meal with the rest of us). So tbh, I thought it was a no brainer!

It looks like a no-brainer to me too, so he must have his reasons for saying no.

Maybe he's not absolutely sure about the reconciliation, and is putting the brakes on.

Maybe he really did feel like you made all the decisions in your marriage, and your suggestion brought back those old feelings.

Maybe he has Christmas plans he was looking forward to but doesn't want to tell you about - at the pub with mates, watching crap telly all day by himself for example.

Personally I wouldn't ask him. Every reason can basically be summed up as 'he doesn't want to'. Plan your Christmas without him and be wary.

He should be moving heaven and earth to prove to you that he's worth another chance, he left you, and quite possibly there was OW in the background that you know nothing about.

Xmas is a time to spend with loved ones, listen to what he has told you, sounds to me like he's not entirely sure either so tell him you want to slow it right down, you have to feel secure.

i wouldn't take him back at all.
have you not wasted enough of your time and your life on him as it is?

Mmm I'd be worried too. If he'd always considered his mum at Christmas then fair enough but it doesn't seem that that is the case.
I'd have to talk to him to be honest.

You can't be honest with him, doesn't bode well for your relationship b

I'm not that sure that he actually wants to get back with you OP. I think he likes his freedom to turn you down when it suits him. I wouldn't trust him, he left you in the lurch once, he could do it again.