Not sure what to do

[MerryMegandSnowySoph]

Myself and Dp are in a long distance relationship. He lives in near Colchester whilst I live near Blackpool. I am pregnant with his baby but also have two dd's from my ex marriage. We have only been together since the beginning of September although have known each other for 8 years.

Well the thing is we had a big row last night, as he mentioned me moving down there to be near him. The issue is I DON'T want to move down there.

I moved here in May after living in Lincolnshire for a horrible 3 years of being lonely, to live closer to my family, mainly my parents who I adore, which I haven't done since the age of 17, due to joining the army then marrying a squaddie.

Anyway I have never been happier since moving here, nipping round to my parents with DD's for sunday lunch every sunday, going for coffee with my mum when possible and the girls are finally settled with a loving family around them. This guy is expecting me to just up and leave everything, just because i'm havin his baby. He sent me a text last night after the argument saying " I just expected us to live together as we are having a family" Well what about the family I have already? meaning my daughters. He seems to disregard them. It makes me laugh how he thinks I will just up root everything for him but he would never consider leaving the army to be with his child. Just like my daughters dad wouldn't. Also there are so many other things like I want to go to college next year, I fought hard to get this house and also are relationship is really not strong, I would have no friends or any support down there whilst he's off to afgan or iraq again.

Well I just can't even talk to him right now but when I do how do I make him see why I don't want to be down there with him??

I have wrote a list of pros for moving and cons and the list of cons is huge compared to the pros.

not sure what to do.

I am a bit astonished that you are having a baby with someone when you haven't even sorted out how you are going to live together, and your relationship 'isn't strong'. It's hardly suprising that he expected you to live together as a family once you had a baby - was this never in your plan? or did you expect him to give up the army to live with you? Or did you never expect to live together as a family, in which case how did you plan for him to do his fathering? You do need to explain to him why you won't move down there - and you had better do some thinking about how you are going to be a family if you don't. Or don't you want to be a family at all? If so, you have got to tell him that sooner than later.

Well, don't go then, but don't expect him to move either; I doubt if leaving the army and getting another job would be a piece of cake for him.Looks like you're going to be a single Mum of three.

I think you have very good reasons for not moving down there.

However, you should have considered that before getting involved with him, and definitely before getting pregnant.

I guess you should seriously consider if being a single mum of three is something you can do, and if not look at your options (presumably you are still in the early months of pregnancy).

Sorry to sound harsh - but it is time for you to take some serious decisions.

Me personally am going to be a little harsh.

You KNEW what his job was before getting involved, and obviously getting pregnant.

You cannot expect a man to leave his job, give up his pension and risk not getting further employment just because you dont want to move.

Army life is tough - I am an army wife, but it is also the most secure job a man will have (unless he is my DH of course in which case he is a walking medical nightmare) and the benefits of being in the army are much better than the options on civvy street.

I also think it was silly to get involved with someone in the Army when you had no intention of leaving your home.

Im sorry, but I dont think you will be able to make him leave, and even if you did, there is a 12 month "getting out" period.

Welcome to single mum of 3 life.

Sounds like you don't want to move & why should you. Massive assumption here from the other posters that you should be the one to do the moving & that your quality of life comes second to his job!
In all honesty, I like to think that I would have thrashed this out before I got pregnant - but sometimes life throws us unexpected situations.
Do you think he will support his child financially?

Tc what so was I supposed to abort my baby because I fell pregnant. We only got together when I found out I was pregnant. I have just recently got divorced after a nasty 3 year seperation. Sorry but no I wasn't planning on moving down the country to be with someone. I made that mistake before.

Haven't read any other replys yet

Also I would never ask him to give up his career that isn't what I was saying what I am saying is that he is expecting me to give up my life here to move down there.

I think you will have to prepare yourself to give up on your unborn baby's dad as a family relationship where you all live together. It is along way from Blackpool to Colchester as you know, I don't know anything about army leave or accommodation but I guess he doesn't have anywhere you can stay with him so you are reliant on him coming up to stay with you as and when. It doesn't sound as though your relationship has the strength to make this easy and you may have to make some difficult choices.

You and he have made a commitment to each other which is lifelong by having a child as partners so you now have to work out a way to give that child the best possible life as well as your own two children. An unenviable position but I think you will have to put your own feelings on the backburner and discuss the future with your boyfriend.

Good luck.

Thankyou bugsy that is exactlly what my point is. Its not only my life that would be turned upside down but my main fear is my daughters that are here already. DD1 has been to two different schools already and she is only in reception.

I apologise for being so abrupt TC I should of made it clearer in my first post re the pregnancy. Again Sorry.

We met up again, haven't seen eachother for six years. Got caught out whilst using cileste pill the weekend we met up and got pregnant. So we decided to start a relationship from the two weeks later when I found out. We weren't together when I conceived.

I think you have good reasons for not moving down there - but you have to face the fact that adding another child to the equation is making it much tougher to live your life the way you want to now.

There is no easy road from here - just make your decision and stick to it.

IMO - i think he is expecting a little too much of you! You have your kids to think of.

I was in a long distance relationship with my DP, he gave up his Job he loved to take a job near me to move in with me and my DS! It was alot for him to do and I think he obviously loves me alot to do that!

However, I fell pregnant not long after, an opportunity arose where we could get on the housingmarket which we would not have been able to afford otherwise. So we made the move back down to south wales, he went back to the job he loves and we are happy! Although my nearest family member is a little over 100 miles away and my mum is 200 miles away, we still see them alot and I have made new friends. DS is very happy in his new school!

But (big but) I would not have made the move had he not comeup to live with me for the first 6 months, i think you are right to not want to go, you would haveto uproot your kids and move to somewhere where you know no one - what if the relationship failed. Try explaning to him that you need to keep life as stable as possible for your kids and hope that he understands, if he doesnt then if if was me I would tell him to naff off - sorry your in this position hun.

You would be very, very miserable if you moved.

VERY.

So would your daughters.

College would be next to impossible b/c where you are now, you have the help of your family.

They give you hope and confidence, too.

Don't move!

I would treat it as, 'I'm a single mum of 3, what's going to work best for us'.

Would NOT expect him to leave his job, but also wouldn't move down there, either.

Mistakes happen. I've been there before.

I can understand why you don?t want to move ? moving to a strange place is a daunting prospect. But ?

It sounds to me as if you are in this relationship for the wrong reasons. Would you still be with this man if you were not pregnant with his child? Because from your posts it doesn?t sound as if there Is really a lot of love lost between the two of you.

From his perspective, at least he is sticking by you and actually wants to make a go of a relationship with you and his child, if nothing else, that makes him a decent man ? I don?t think many men would agree to stay with someone on the basis of them falling pregnant after a one night stand. But you can?t expect him to move to be with you ? giving up a career in the army is not an option for him any more than you should be expected to leave your friends and family.

IMO you need to have a discussion as to where the relationship really is going and whether you really have a future together. You are bound together now because you are expecting his child, and he has rights with regards to that child, but if you don?t love him, then it is best to end the relationship as amicably as possible. If you do love him, and you ultimately want to be with him, then you need to decide what you want to do,because at some point one of you is going to have to move to be with the other, and you really cannot expect him to give up his career as opposed to you giving up your social life. His career is what will support you both, if he left the army he may never find a comparible job, but you will make new friends.

Glenn,

The army doesn't make it easy and to get a quarter we would have to get married Have been involved with the army since the day I was born
(dad is now ex forces).

You are right at this moment I don't feel that are relationship is strong enough maybe in time it will be. Also been a single mum for 3 years so this living as a family is almost alien and very scary.

Anyway thanks for comments

Expat you describe what my fears are exactally.

The more I think about it, the more I think moving would be madness. Even if he is not willing to support the baby, it will be easy to get him via the CSA because he is employed by the Army.
I take my hat off to you for keeping the baby & thinking about this so logically & putting yourself & your girls first.

Thanks Bugsy It's just explaining it to him. Another comment he threw to me last night was
"ahh I knew I was just a sperm doner" how he worked this one out I don't know. I was certainly not planning on raising 3 children just for the sake of it, that would be just madness. When I stated that my children were more important than anyone or anything he said "I come last then?". I have no worries at all that he will be a great dad to his baby, but when it comes to my daughters I'm just not sure and this is what I cannot risk.

Bugsy you just made me feel alot better thankyou again.

If the baby was a surprise then I agree with everyone else - don't move. In fact, I'd go further - if you hadn't fallen pregnant would you have a relationship at all? Is it really a relationship that's worth maintaining or should you both face facts and prepare for single parenthood? It might be a different relationship if you didn't already have children but you do, and you are quite right to put them before him. He may have a nasty shock coming when he finds out your new baby goes ahead of him too! How does he feel about the baby? can you make long-distance separate parenthood work so the new baby has the benefit of a loving dad?

TC I really hope we can make it work. The two weeks in between finding out about the pregnancy he said he would like to stay friends and see what happens. We spoke each day and things were progressing how they normally do with "I miss yous" ect.. Maybe if I hadn't got pregnant the relationship would of progressed at a nice staedy pace into something wonderfull but I feel now it is falling apart. I don't want it all my own way at all but, I have to do what is right by the children that are here already aswell as his baby.

Unless he is willing to listen to my points and come to a possible compremise (sp?) then it looks like the relationship will have to be over.

He said at first when I told him about being PG that, he won't leave the army (fine), he won't get married (fine) and he isn't prepared to apply for a posting to a regt up here, all of which I was fine about. He said that he will fly up most weekends, which is an hour from Stanstead to Blackpool cheaper than fuel also. So yes we could quite easily make it work but I think now it's his way or nothing Which I am not prepared to do.

I have no problem being a single mum to 3 as I have been one to my daughters of 3 years.

I will try and have a talk tonight about it with him.

Thanks everyone for your advice, much appreciated