I have become socially awkward

[Sociallyawks]

I've NC for this as I am a regular poster.

I didn't know where to post this so I decided to pop it in here as you ladies seem less scary than AIBU.

I don't really know where to start so sorry if I begin to ramble.

Basically, a few years ago I was a social butterfly, I could talk to anyone, I had lots of friendship groups, people seemed genuinely interested in me as a person.

Now, I don't really have any friends other than my DP, my two best friends live the other side of the world, it can be weeks before I even talk to a friend. I'm always the one to initiate a conversation or make plans which 90% of the time, people cancel. When I do go out, I'm spoken over or ignored, when I do manage to strike up a conversation people seem uncomfortable and desperate to get away. Even when I reply to threads on here, I very rarely get any response.

I don't know where I am going wrong, I always show interest in other people's lives and I think I am a nice person, I'm not nasty and always treat people well.

Where am I going wrong? I really miss my social life and I'm terribly lonely.

Also this has made me incredibly anxious abound people so it's like a catch 22 situation.

I think people are just busy
I know I don't get around to replying to people's texts and emails a lot
Social media and work are often substitutes for friends now
Have you tried the WI?
Sorry not much help but did want to reply

I second you are doing nothing wrong. A shift in friend based dynamics can however dent the self esteem. I have learned to accept I'm on the peripheral of most people's lives and that unless I make contact there is no contact. The other day I actually thought I could move to the other side of the world and probably no one would notice. I too have 2 close friends who are miles away. Right now it doesn't bother me at all. People have their own agendas and that's up to them. I go out with my dog exploring different places, I dont pay heed to Facebook and I feel pretty good in my own company. If my friends invited me out in a group I would probably say no as I would be anxious however I will go on my work Xmas do.
Because my friendships were predominantly based on me supporting them or me visiting them, me asking them for coffee: it feels quite liberating now.
I also think if they don't contact me or enquire about me then they don't warrant my time either.

First of all for you

Firstly I hope I don't come across as rude or hurtful with what I'm about to say, that is v much NOT my intention.

This is all down to your self-esteem. Your giving off 'anxious' vibes, which probably doesn't make talking to you a particularly 'pleasant' experience, and so as you have already figured, this is a catch 22 situation; you try and engage with people, they don't want to engage, you feel rejected, thus resulting in chipping away at your already fragile SE.

It's not 'you' that is making people feel 'uncomfortable or desperate to get away', but your 'energy'; the vibes you are giving off. The 'real' you is clearly engaging and great to be around, but this person has become overshadowed by your increasingly low SE, and it's just created this vicious circle.

Essentially once you have sorted your self-esteem issue (I make this sounds so easy don't I, I don't mean to sound trite).

I know myself that when my confidence is good, people flock to me, I'm engaging, I can tell by their reaction to me. However, when I'm low and feeling down on myself, I know that I turn people off with my 'neg' energy, I can just tell when I talk to them that they don't have that much interest in talking to me when I'm low on self-esteem.

Be kind to yourself and make sorting your self esteem out a priority.

hot Thank you for your post, you have not come across as rude or hurtful at all. You have very much spoken to truth and summed up my situation very well.

I'm aware that I'm not particularly enjoyable to be around and haven't been for the past year or so due to my circumstances, I can't go into this further as it would undoubtedly "out" me.

I really need to work on myself esteem and get back to being ME! I have an appointment to speak with someone about this later on so hopefully this is the beginning of brighter things for me.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me.

fastcar I can relate to everything you have said. I have this urge to move away and start afresh somewhere because no one here would notice.

Unfortunately, I lost my dog a couple of months ago. He was like my best friend, I miss our walks together so much x

You are so welcome.

And just doing something like making an appointment to talk to someone can have a positive effect on your self esteem. I'm seeing a therapist every week myself at the moment as I have issues with my self esteem dwindling when I'm in a relationship, which sabotages my chance of things working, again, it's a vicious circle that I v much want to break out of! And I will, and so will you

Good luck x

And I just saw that you lost your dog, I'm so sorry, I love dogs myself and know how devastating it is when lose one x

Agree with everything Hot has said and also can empathise with you. People's live change all the time and at some points of my life I've felt like I have no friends, but then things move on and new friends come and old ones may reappear.

Body language seems to make a big difference: look cheerful, head up, shoulders back, I always have my phone close by so I can busy myself if need be rather than feeling like Billy-no-mates in a crowd!

I could have written fastcar's post. Although I do not have a dog but am thinking of getting another one.

People, I have found, are not interested in any problems I [or anyone else] may have, so I have learnt to shut up and pretend I'm fine when I am not. It means I am being a bit false but don't seem to have any choice. So no real friends here. But I'm ok with my own company, have learnt to use my own resources and coping mechanisms.

People are too busy, too self absorbed most of the time. Fair enough, but I therefore am not there for them as I used to be mostly the one doing all the running, and making the effort.

"I always show interest in other people's lives"

That's great, BUT: do you have things you put out there yourself? I only say this because I have a friend who sounds similar, and don't get me wrong, she's lovely, a great listener, etc., but she very rarely has much to say about her own life. Even when directly questioned, she'll just say "oh, you know, same old...". It makes it difficult when you feel like the other person just wants to be used as a sounding board, if you get my point.