I feel so alone

[ARV1981]

I'm so tired.

My son was born in mid-september. He's wonderful, and I love him unconditionally. He's a normal baby - so waking regularly during the night.

My husband is not being very supportive (in my opinion). He obviously has to go to work, but seems to use this as an excuse not to do much with the baby.

He has to have a bath every night. He sleeps in the spare room because he's on heavy medication which makes him drowsy (he's worried he will roll onto the baby in the night if I have the baby in the bed - which I have been doing as it's the only way to get him to sleep). He goes out at weekends.

When the baby is inconsolable (like he's been tonight) I feel completely unsupported. My husband will do anything not to help with the baby - tonight it was the washing up, then bath...and eventually bed. While I've had a baby screaming in my ear for over an hour going red in the face and giving me a headache!

I just feel like I'm at breaking point. How do I get through this?

How about tomorrow, this weekend and each night next week you go,
"Here you go DH, I'm off out, see you in an hour or 2"
No arguments, no letting him dodge it etc, just "bye"

How would he react?

I'd just add, I despair at men like this. Theyre missing out on so much bonding time. Yes he has to work, but he has to be a dad too gosh dang diddly darn it.

Selfish guy. Sod the work, get real with what you have made.He will regret his behaviour.

Have you talked to him about this? If so, what are his excuses for not helping with the baby? I understand he's 'explained away' his need for a separate room, but what about the rest? Is he doing housework instead of doing for the baby or are you stuck with everything? Depending on the work he does, he may very well need a bath (no shower?) every night. Mine certainly needed one, but he still managed to find enough time to help with the housework and the baby. And the going out at weekends is just selfish, unless you're given equal time.

Obviously he should be helping out more, but until we know what his 'reasons' are for not doing it, it's hard to offer counter arguments.

You are alone.

Expect nothing and no help with the baby and you will never be disappointed.

When my children were younger I spent a lot of time looking after them on my own. This was tiring but ok as DH was away most of the time.

When he was home more it wS worse and it took me a little time to realise that I expected him to do more now he was home. Then when he did do more I wanted him to do even more. Then I started to begrudge him that he wasn't helping a lot more. He wasn't that into babies. He was ok at doing bits of shopping and washing up.

In the end I had to literally change my mental attitude and a Expect NOTHING. This was so much better. I was back in charge of the babies, they went to bed when I said etc as I did everything. I found it easier and it was nicer for both of us,... He didn't get nagged. If he helped and joined in it was nice. Loads of my friends seemed to be constantly on their husbands cases and I didn't want that for the next few years. So he got to play golf and all that shit and I basically did the kids. I did usually take a night out a week with friends and I usually have at least one girls weekend during the year but the rest of the time the kids are my full time job. Now the kids are older it is pay back. He is still working hard but my workload has easily halved. I dnot tell him what to do and he doesn't tell me what to do.

Your day will come. Having little babies is really hard work but using up a lot of energy wishing your husband was a nanny/housekeeper/super Dad will just make you miserable.

Now if you are both working fully ice and you can't afford outside help he will have to just get stuck in or the baby won't get looked after.

BTW I looked after the babies ok but my house looked like shit and very often the question of 'What's for dinner?' Got my reply. 'I dunno what's for your dinner I'm having a bowl of coco pops and watching Holby City. So Take your selfish moments when you can get them and then you grudge less. He was crap at helping with the kids and I was crap at being a housewife. But, he never nagged me about that so I TRIED not to nag him.

I'm going to try leaving them together tonight.

Even if I only go to the supermarket, it's getting out of the house and getting them to spend time together.

I got some sleep last night, which makes everything seem a bit easier.

Cross posts...

In answer to the question of what he does in the house... I think not enough. He probably thinks just enough.

I'm not great at being a housewife either. I can just about manage to do the laundry, but have stopped putting his clothes away, so there's piles and piles of clothes everywhere. I put ds's and mine away, and periodically put away the sheets and towels in the airing cupboard but at the moment they're piled up in the spare room (I put them there in the hope that he'd do it... that was at the weekend).

Last week, ds had to stay overnight in the hospital (he had viral meningitis, is ok now) so I stayed with him. From what I can tell, nothing got done around the house. The bathroom was filthy, the kitchen needed a good old clean and there are still dead flowers in vases, which are depressing me. I will sort it out, but it's difficult when there's a baby vying for my attention constantly.

Honestly, it's as much as I can do to do the little bit of laundry and cook dinner. I'm breastfeeding on demand, and this week he's been demanding it every hour or so... he's obviously having a growth spurt!

Because of the meningitis, we're quarantined. I've been told not to let him get close to other children or older people, and to go out as little as possible. So I haven't seen anyone all week. Both my sisters are pregnant so they've stayed away (rightly so). My mum's put her back out so I wouldn't see her anyway (but I might have visited)... my MiL has reduced immunity so is definitely staying away. I don't have any friends who could pop in during the day (everyone works, or has small children) so have been completely on my own this week. Perhaps this is why I'm getting at the end of my tether?

My mum just messaged me... she's popping in this afternoon

Glad your mum is coming round. Talk to her, she knows both of you. And don't be afraid to ask her to help. It must be very isolating and if you feel your house isn't up to your own standards, it can really bring you down.

You still haven't said if you've sat him down and said 'I need your help'. You may be in a cycle of silence with you thinking 'You need to help more. I'm exhausted. I'm not going to do any housework until you offer to help' and him thinking 'This place looks like a tip, I'm not helping until she gets this cleaned up, she's home all day'. The key is communicating.

I was never the world's greatest housekeeper. My house was always of the 'clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy' variety. But if DH thought things were getting out of hand or if I was feeling overwhelmed, we'd talk about it.