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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thinking of another man

50 replies

Oxfordgirl2 · 27/10/2015 22:35

Desperately need some advice. I have no one to talk to about this...... I have been married for 12 years and I am 37 years old. My husband is decent and trustworthy and kind. My feelings for him are just friendship and appreciation to him for being there when I needed someone to care about me. I don't feel the way I should for a husband. There is no passion in our relationship, he doesn't 'get' me and we have no real connection. He on the other hand thinks everything is fine or at least won't acknowledge otherwise. I know if I left him he would be devastated and I would never forgive myself.
I have been travelling on business a lot recently with a married male colleague. We hit it off immediately and over the past few months have developed a real connection. Nothing has happened and I am not sure he feels the same way but I am head over heels. He seems quite flirtatious but I am not sure what the signs are to look out for. He always sits close to me and maintains eye contact until I feel like my heart will burst. He tells me he is looking forward to seeing me again next week. I am obsessing over him and cannot get him out of my mind going over and over every detail of the conversations we have had for signs he feels the same way.
Please no judgement, just need helpful advice on what to do- ignoring these feelings seems impossible.

OP posts:

Nottodaythankyouorever · 28/10/2015 13:41

I really feel for you.

An affair is a choice.

If the OP chosen to have one then my sympathy is with her DH not the OP!

Shutthatdoor · 28/10/2015 13:44

Please stop judging- I of course know that. I posted for advice and to share my thoughts that I have had to keep to myself.

Where have I said I judge you?

I actually stated a fact. If you act on your 'feelings' then you are being extremely unfair and disrespectful to your DH!

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 28/10/2015 14:02

Don't have dinner with him.
Be busy in the evenings.

Devastatedcoconut605 · 28/10/2015 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FredaMayor · 28/10/2015 16:08

OP you have let yourself fantasise about another man because your marriage is boring you. What you have described is a crush, and the first and possibly only person you should be talking to about this is your DH.

SongBird16 · 28/10/2015 16:21

Oh another bored middle-aged woman who has just been electrified by the unique special connection she has experienced with a work colleague.

No doubt she's already talking herself into it - too strong a connection to be denied, surely I deserve it, nobody has to know etc.

Being married doesn't stop you fancying the arse off someone else, but you're supposed to have the will power to walk away.

Everything you're feeling and saying to yourself is part of the same depressing script, trotted out by all adulterers everywhere.

Why not have a hard think about something bad your DH might have done years ago, exaggerate it and then use it to justify an affair? That seems to be the next act in this grubby predictable drama.

Or you could just end your marriage with a bit of dignity, save your DH any extra unnecessary pain and then look for a nice single man.

ThePonyFormerlyKnownAsTony · 28/10/2015 17:18

If you think you're going to begin an affair, avoid the situation. Don't have intimate meals, dont drink together, think about how disrespectful it would be to both of your spouses.

It seems you want the affair though so good luck to your husband and his wife; the hurt is going to be immense.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 28/10/2015 19:21

Imagine how you would feel if you were with someone you really cared about and they went and slept with a colleague in a hotel because they were both a bit bored and horny.

Would that excuse wash with you or would you think they were both a pair of self indulgent cunts.

And before you think oh well I will tell him how I feel i the hope that he will knock me back and that will put an end to ot

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 28/10/2015 19:24

And before you say I am judging

So far op you have done nothing wrong.

It's not wrong to fall out of love.
It is not wrong to fancy someone else.

It would be wrong though if you were to wreck the happiness of two people who have done nothing to deserve it because you are not brave enough to try being on your own for a bit.

The solution to not loving your own husband is not trying someone else's on for size.

PisforPeter · 28/10/2015 19:56

Very true ^^

binders1 · 28/10/2015 21:52

Perfectly worded smalllegs!

ivykaty44 · 28/10/2015 21:59

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en have a listen

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 28/10/2015 22:18

You acknowledge and accept that your marriage is over. If you have no children it makes the whole thing far more simple. Don't feel too bad for your husband - if you view him more as a friend then it's kinder in the long run to let him go and he will ultimately understand that. You're young enough to start again so get out before it's too late.

But please don't go all starry eyed over a married man. Do you really want to be part of hurting another woman (and children?) like that? Do you really want to get involved with a man capable of that? Your hormones are racing but you have to stop and think.

Let's say (at an outside stretch) you and this married man are soulmates. If so, do the decent thing and leave your spouses and do it properly. Don't try each other on for size first - because it's not worth the pain and distress of the innocent parties involved. It would be selfish, thoughtless and cruel.

AHypnotistCollector · 29/10/2015 01:52

I expect you will be back next week saying that something did in fact happen with this guy on your business trip. You're already talking yourself into it by telling yourself that your marriage is over and you don't possibly have any other option than to go for dinner and drinks with him every night

If it really is the case that you want to end your marriage then why didn't you realise before you met this other guy? It's because you are caught up in the excitement of a new possible relationship. Everyone who has ever had an affair has felt the same way, it's nothing unique to you.

You need to talk to your husband and forget about this man. No cosy meals and drinks with just the two of you, that is just inviting something to happen. See how you feel once the crush (and that's all this is) has subsided. But you won't.

spudlike1 · 29/10/2015 09:19

So what happens after the night of passion with this man .
Have you thought that far .
Pain of guilt , probably dislike your poor husband even more (eases your guilt)
This other man will go back to his marriage you will feel used, heartbroken black blah . Or you carry on having a full blown affair husband will find out marriage over you're free. Oh and ex wife and everyone at work will know and judge you ...nice
What is it that you want ?
I think you need to work that out ?

ILiveAtTheBeach · 29/10/2015 10:08

You've already checked out of your marriage. If you're in a hotel with this guy and the drinks are flowing, it's highly unlikely that you will have the willpower to refuse his advances (if he makes any). And that's because you don't love your DH anymore. I could be in a hotel with a naked Chippendale and I wouldn't be tempted. That's cos I love my DH and don't want anyone else. You are in a different position and quite honestly I don't think shagging this guy will ruin your marriage, it will just give you the resolve to check out completely. If you do it, just be aware that he is very unlikely to leave his wife. You will be a fuck buddy and nothing more. Are you able to deal with that emotionally?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 30/10/2015 00:57

ilive it might ruin his marriage though.
And make work very awkward.

Devastatedcoconut605 · 30/10/2015 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 30/10/2015 09:38

This new man is not available. It doesnt matter if he fancies you or not. Im sure he would shag you, but hes married and he would never be trustworthy. Please use this catalyst to either make changes and work on your marriage, or end it. A married guy has turned your head and is making you feel young and alive, but you cant just pop him in place of your husband. Youve got a lot to lose here.

Just remember, the grass is greener where you water it.

Isetan · 30/10/2015 13:14

In the kindest possible way, here's a slap.

Not wanting to hurt your H, is your excuse for keeping it on the DL, you're looking for an affair and there's nothing noble about your behaviour.

It's time to pull your big girl pants up and tell your H that you want out of your marriage, which incidentally, isn't a catalyst to screw someone else's H.

Only you can stop this train, there's no can't, only, don't want to.

Original poster

Oxfordgirl2 · 23/03/2016 02:16

I thought I would return to update all those who offered helpful advice (and all those who were unhelpful!) So nothing happened with the other man. However the experience of feeling so close to someone and attracted to them helped me realise my marriage was over and I am in the process of divorce. It is tough, my husband is a good man we just have nothing in common and no love between us. As for the 'other man', after talking about my divorce, he recently confessed how unhappy he was in his marriage. I finally shared my feelings for him expecting after months of closeness and flirting that he would admit he felt the same about me. He did not- he considers me a good friend only. It was mortifying! In fact he went onto tell me he was actually having an affair with someone. I feel sick about it. I cannot understand how I misread the signs, it is so unlike me. I was upset, he was upset, I'm in turmoil.

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 23/03/2016 02:25

Well done for having the courage to end things without a safety net.

HPsauciness · 23/03/2016 03:35

What you have written is painfully honest, I can only imagine what a slap in the face this felt after thinking he might feel the same. However you are moving forward here, because as you say it has made you realise your marriage is over, and soon you will be free to find someone who is really into you and it isn't all about signs and flirting, but much more upfront and honest. Sounds like your colleague isn't the great guy you thought, what with having an affair himself and flirting with you a lot. Onwards and upwards OP.

quicklydecides · 23/03/2016 05:17

You have behaved honourably.
He sounds like a fool.

Lovelydiscusfish · 23/03/2016 06:25

Do you know what, OP, maybe you didn't misread the signs. Maybe at one point he was trying to line you up for an affair - but he's now decided two affairs on the go would be too much to handle. Either way, you're better off without him.
Good luck with your divorce, and with moving forwards into a brighter future!

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