Money blues

[ThreeBeanRap]

Posted this earlier in Pregnancy but thought it should perhaps be here instead...

Feeling crap after having an argument with DH last night. We are both quite useless with money by nature but I really make an effort to be sensible and have budgets in place. We are never going to be massive savers but we do fine, mainly because we both have reasonably well paid jobs. We have a mortgage but otherwise no debt. Because we earn very similar amounts we have always kept our own current accounts – we transfer an equal amount into the joint account and savings account each month which covers all essential spending so are left with an equal amount of spending money in our current accounts.

I am 36w pregnant and came home last night to him all thrilled because he'd been to a physio about an injury and the physio had said for only £350 he might be able to sort it out. This injury doesn't cause him pain day to day, doesn't stop him driving/walking or even exercising, he just can't do as much exercise as he would like at times. It has been ongoing for MONTHS and there is no reason whatsoever that he couldn't have been to a GP and have been referred to a physio on the NHS by now.

I am going to be getting SMP so my earnings are going to take a massive hit. To counter this and give us a reasonable amount of spending money I have saved about £5k while I've been pregnant, DH has added about £1.5k to this. We were supposed to save £6k between us, half each. I have upped my efforts because it was clear he was not going to make his half. I am feeling really stressed about money in that I am suddenly not going to be earning for the first time ever, and we will be wholly reliant on his salary and need to be really controlled with our spending.

Next year is my 30th – for his 30th I took him for an expensive meal at a restaurant he loves, and took him away for a city break abroad. I know he has not saved a penny towards mine and now that I will be going on to SMP we will not have spare cash for him to put aside for it, so I won't be doing anything for my 30th. I have seen this coming for months and have been nudging him about it. When I raised it last night as part of the money argument he said 'but I've got months to sort something'…this is exactly the problem, he sees things as really far away and imagines the money will magically appear. He hasn't thought about the fact that he is not going to have any spare cash between now and my birthday.

I feel like I sound really mercenary and hate myself this morning for raining on his parade – I do want his injury to be sorted out of course, and I want it done quickly and to a good standard, but it's so frustrating that he could have gone to his GP months ago and be undergoing free treatment now. We always fight about big purchases because he gets excited and can only see the benefits, whereas I then have to come in like the strict parent and say well we can't afford that. It makes me feel horrible. In all other respects he is such a fantastic partner, he is caring, thoughtful, supportive, honest, generous, he does the majority of the cooking and at least half the housework, he is just incredibly disorganised. I end up buying all the Christmas presents every year because he doesn't put money aside for it. He just doesn't think about it at all.

I don't know how to have a conversation with him about this in a constructive way anymore because I get angry and upset, and he gets hurt and we both end up feeling shit. Sorry this is so long and pointless!!

Hi, it is scary to think about not getting paid much when you have just had a baby. This really worried me as well while I was pregnant but I have found that you manage with not as much and while SMP isn't great it's something. You sound like your In a pretty good position with some savings.
Think your main problem is your partner not been as concerned about money but that's probably quite normal, my husband doesn't worry as much and I have become more relaxed since having my baby even though we don't have much savings left and not getting paid a lot but it's enough to cover bills so could be worse.
I think you need to share all money equally when the baby arrives. If you have enough to cover everyday bills and some for food etc and then a bit extra you will be fine. just make sure your partner knows he has to pay for most bills or can you keep control of money.

Personally id keep back your extra savings for a just in case fund.
Make him see the consequences of his lack of savings (obv match his with yours).
Baling him out help bo mi ne long term.
Oh and it goes without saying you should have equal spare money once the baby arrives and going forward in your relationship.

Keep the extra 2k back, assuming he has spending money each month let him cut back on that when baby is here.

Where does he say the extra 1500 is coming from? Or does he assume you will sort it out?

You say he gets 'hurt' when you discuss it. What does that mean? How does he react?

I can't keep the extra that I have saved back, as we need it to cover bills while I'm on mat leave. I finish work in 2 weeks and have 2 weeks holiday, then on to mat leave on my due date so it's really too late for him to do anything about it. The spending money we (I) have allocated ourselves is fairly tight and I just don't think he will be able to manage on less than that while still having a bit of a life which I do want for him - also it's kind of a punishment for me anyway - if that happens for example I will suggest going out for dinner or whatever and he'll say no I can't afford it because I need to save for your birthday present.

I have already put the extra £1500 into the savings account 43percent so as far as he's concerned, we have reached our savings goal and that's fine.

We do currently (and will when I'm on mat leave) have equal spending money, everything is 50/50 on that front.

When I say he gets hurt, I mean I will get angry about a money situation which he has been excited about (for example he wanted to buy a second car and had found a really good deal) I will say we can't afford it, you are crap with money, we are about to have a baby and won't have spare cash - then he gets all deflated and I feel like I've kicked him. He says he knows he is shit with money and he will then spend time faffing about, like last night he downloaded a spending planner and looked into changing his bank account - I know neither of these things will either be used or done or actually help at all, the only thing that will help is him understanding how much things actually cost and stopping spending when he has run out of his weekly allowance. He just doesn't think like that. I find it hard to explain why I feel so guilty about having a go at him about this, I wouldn't struggle if it was anything else!

It's one thing to be bad or more laid back with money but once you have joint outgoings with someone else, partner housemate etc (and even more so with a baby on the way!) then you have step up and take responsibility. It sounds quite immature (and sorry but a little spoilt of him - do his parents spoil him?) to just think you'll make up the extra money and he can spend his on whatever. Would it help you to address it if you reframe it as not really or just about money. its about your concerns being valid, you wanting to feel relaxed and prepared, that he is mature and responsible and that he supports you and is willing to put your shared goal (saving) first. I can see it wouldn't make you feel very loved and special if someone likes spending money/having money spent on them but doesn't save up to spend it on you, and you're penalised (no meals out) because he didn't save soon enough.

I don't think he's spoilt but I think this has always been an issue for him...he has had instances as a teenager when his parents would give him money for something, he would spend it on something else 'because he thought he had more money than he did' and then they wouldn't give him the money again, he would have to work til he had earned enough to cover it. He doesn't always get bailed out but he is really bad at knowing how much money he has and how much he will need. That is baffling to me - why wouldn't you check your bank account and see how much you've got regularly? It doesn't make any sense to me.

It is immature. I find the idea of the person with the worst attitude to money being the sole earner for a year quite stressful. I guess maybe I just need to take control of the finances to save myself the headache...I just wish I could trust him to sort it out and be responsible!