I feel like we've lost our way as a family

[tactum]

This has been creeping up on me for a while. Have DD 13 and DS 11, DH and me. From the outside I am sure we look like the ideal family - great house, healthy, sociable, solvent etc. For the last year or so we seem to be drifting. Everything just feels bleuh. We never seem to do anything fun together or enjoy being with eachother.

We have a v traditional set up - DH works, I work PT from home in a v minor job and do all chores etc apart from the garden and money matters. Kids hardly ever do anything to help around the house and have to be nagged to do so, including picking up towels and tidying bedrooms.

I cant think of many instances that demonstrate that we are kind to eachother - the kids bicker constantly and whilst they are really lovely kids I can't honestly say they are kind/helpful/caring etc.

Weekends seem screen based by default and getting them out and about seems a chore. They don't seem to want to play games together or go for walks etc.

Me and DH are in a bit of a rut and sometimes I worry about the long term once kids have left.

I get the feeling sometimes we are more like 4 individuals who live together than a family. As Christmas approaches I find myself looking at pics of them when they were tiny and wishing I could go back to then and do things differently. I am crying now writing this.

I don't even really know what I'm looking for with this. The whole of my focus since having the kids has been my family and I feel now as if I've failed. I worry that when they are grown they won't be close to eachother or us.

I don't know what to do. Oh God this all sounds so self pitying but at least I've got it out there.

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions, and for letting me have a little wallow!

I will start thinking of some purpose outside of the home
I will start to involve them in chores more
I will remember that in years to come I'll wish I could turn the clock back to now!! So therefore appreciate the stage they are at now and the funny, independant, shining people they are today
I will try and do more stuff together that they would enjoy
I will make sure me and DH go ahead and do stuff we enjoy which may or may not involve them.

I am very grateful to you all - I see the logic in the dog suggestion but we really are NOT doggy people!!!!!

We do have some common tv likes now they are that bit older - masterchef, the apprentice, i'm a celeb etc and even though that is screen time it is also together time - it all counts!!!

How about trying some sports together? Parkrun, cycling, canoeing, paddleboarding, sailing, tennis - gives you a common purpose, gets you all out, and endures together

I have older kids too. Stuff that they enjoy includes bowling, ice-skating, very occasional visit to snowdome, these activities seem to go down well. Richer friends than me say that long weekends in centerparks seem to work well as great family breaks.

I have a rule that after a meal all of us leave the kitchen or none. No way am I preparing, cooking, clearing washing etc. I try to appeal to their sense of fairness that when the meal mess is cleared away by all of of those who ate then all of us can go and sit at the same time! Often works. if not then I just tell them that they don't live in a democracy! LOL. my house, my rules!!!

There are lots of things you can do to get the closeness back. You've had some good suggestions here. Working together is one of the best ways. Cooking, gardening any kind of housework really.
Perhaps start having 'dates' with mum and dad. Mum takes one child for a milkshake or a walk or bowling, dad takes the other. Then swop. Then both of you take one child in turn.
Get everyone on board. Have a family meeting and talk about how worried you are about your family. Get their suggestions.
Don't give up. The 4 of you together can and should have the most fun and good times together.

One of my friends has a system where they put aside two weekends a year - one for DC1/DH and DC2/her to spend together, the other for DC1/her and DC2/DH. You could also add a weekend for all four of you to do something together if you like, and maybe a weekend for you and DH to have a night away for just the two of you.

The DC have lots of input into how and where the weekends are spent, eg my friend and her DC1 went rock climbing in the peak district recently. They stayed in a youth hostel so it wasn't hugely expensive.

Tactum- I could have written this post as I am in exactly the same situation, with kids the same age and living in a village with crap tranport

Will read the replies with interest

oh, any sending you some as well in sympathy/empathy etc

Nobody wants to spend time with boring people. If even you don't find yourself interesting...

I therefore disagree with the advice to do more stuff together. They find you boring and take you for granted. I say do more stuff without them. More stuff where they have to manage their own dinner and washing and time they get home from work because you are busy with your own busy important stuff.

A career would be good. You used to have one. It is still there somewhere....

It's a phase for the kids and for you. We have 3 kids 3 years apart and when the oldest reached teenage years it was harder work. We had film night on Fridays ( DVD) with everybody taking turns to choose and I did things with her as well - like a class at the gym and I made an effort to do something nice with the others too. We let them be as they wanted in the week and did a family thing on a Saturday or Sunday. DH played badminton or swam with them each week too. You just have to think harder. You need to join a hockey team/take up archery or join a book group!

Uff, just throwing this out there, but when my dd was young we kept a pony in a local stables. I was impressed at how great looking after and riding a horse was for family life, not just ours, but all the different families involved and one horse between a family of four would not be a major expense.

My Ds and I bond over gaming together, I guess that is more inusual but it keeps communication channels open.

Do they have any pets? We bought an aqarium and all got involved with care and feeding. Planning the set up and doing research on what to buy took a few weeks, plus visiting the actual aqarium suppliers.