Is this too harsh?

[hellowinter]

My emotionally and verbally narcissistic parents have sent me into a depression again. This time because they are not happy with arrangements that have been made for my son's birthday. They want to know what I am 'playing at'. We haven't organised a big party (still very young age) but the various grandparents are coming to visit on separate occasions around the date. His abusive father is now my ex so no big happy families. They say I am a bully and have upset my mother (again) and I am pushing them out because they are not being invited to the 'party' which has been organised by myself for my ex's family. Which is bollocks. They shout and swear and accuse and guilt trip and belittle and generally call me an aggressive bully when the irony is I have barely said a word because I am being sworn and shouted at as soon as I try to explain.they are awful people. My upbringing was horrendous I would be happy to cut them out of my life. I just don't know what to do... I know they will guilt trip and headwork me to make me feel I am the unstable one..they think me breaking up with my ex is just another example of my hysterical and unstable character. Please help I just don't know how to handle this anymore ??

Do get the Toxic Parents book op.

Have you started looking at FOG? Easy to find on tinternet. There is a site called Out of the FOG that is helpful.
You need to (urgently) do this work, or you are such in the immense pain and wailing and fear of 'Hooow cooould they doooo this?!?'
They do it bcs they're sick, poisonous people. Nothing to do with you! All them!

You've mentioned the drinking a few times. Alcoholic? There a good support community called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Have you been to Al-anon?

You're going to need to do this work to counterbalance the shedload of shit that has been dumped on you from the year dot

Hello, and thanks Springdaffs for the recommendations. It's been beneficial to look at this again - I have read stuff like this is the past, but I need reminding, badly! Especially now...

My parents have been badmouthing to others as if I was the most despicable nastiest person on the planet. All because I said I would under no circumstances accept their shouting and swearing.
The thing is they keep harping on about things I did wrong at school! I mean, I won't say my age but that was a good few years ago to say the very least. They keep using examples from when I was a child to prove how innately bad I am as a person. And even then they are outright lies. They are looking for sympathy for what they have to put up with I am told, for my 'vicious' treatment of them.

I am now, predictably, getting the silent treatment, haven't heard from them for days. I am DREADING seeing them for the birthday. It's like inviting people into your home who actually passionately don't like you.

I just can't imagine what it's going to be like no doubt my mother will come laden with presents and the look of a poor wounded soldier.

It would be really bad if I told them not to come, I would get much more of the same. Or maybe I could come up with an excuse/pretend that I am ill?
I'm finding it hard to just get on with things, it's like a brewing unrest and I'm just nervously waiting for the next episode.

Why? Why are you involved in their lives?

You say you need to do the work recommended bcs you need 'reminding'. It's rather more than reminding like a background option, it has to be the main and overriding focus. Literally reprogramming - which takes a LOT of work.

But at the moment your overriding focus is them, what they've done, what they're going to do next. News flash: they will carry on doing this for 10, 20, 30 years. They will drag you around and fling you about, it will never stop. Think about that: this will NEVER stop.

So get your focus off them and get your focus on your recovery. You have a lot of work to do - just like all of us in your position once.

Yes definitely I know this has to stop. Haven't heard from them for days now and it's hurting me, actually maybe it's just making me feel angry and unfairly treated to the extreme.
I'm booked in for some therapy at the end of the year so at least that's some progress.

Springydaffs do you mind if I asked what sort of therapy you had? I'm booked in for CBT, but wonder if this is the right thing...

CBT is a good bedrock , especially in your situation, where anxiety is high. By therapy I mean psychotherapy, where you can look in depth at your family dynamics.

You appear to be extremely enmeshed with them psychologically (which is entirely their work btw: they have groomed you for this) so I'd again ask if you have read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Also research all you can about toxic parents/families and immerse yourself in that world - commonly referred to as recovery. You are far from alone with this but it is up to you to step into that world and start on your recovery from your extremely toxic parents and childhood.

In short, you are addicted to them - to their manipulations - and, as with any addiction, it takes work to break the grip of that addiction. That means working down through the layers to break the hold - and that takes time.

Hello, just resurrecting this thread as I have just had another run in with my parents.
It's like walking into a propeller.

I can't even begin to explain as it's all so nonsensical and nothing they say makes sense. I think my mother has mental health issues.

I am really trying to use the techniques recommended by Susan Forward in her book (staying calm, collected, creating boundaries and not getting sucked in) but it doesn't seem to get me anywhere.

In a nutshell, they have been very unsupportive of my walking away from my abusive ex. Every time I speak to them they are cold with me and ask if we are back together yet.

Then at some stage my mother starts weeping dramatically because I say I don't confide in her, and also weeps because I have split from my abusive ex. I try to explain that I don't confide in them because it usually ends with them being accusatory of me, and it is unpleasant.
(it's much more than that, they swear shout, bitch, give me the cold shoulder, slag me off to others, emotionally blackmail me, make me feel guilty, treat me as if I am a hysterical out of control little problem that causes them so much pain)

Examples of things she says:
'how could you do this to me'
'I will be dead one day and you will regret this'
'I am ill don't you know'
'why don't you think of me for a change. you never think of me'
' you are always busy when I call you never have time for me' (she ALWAYS calls at the worst possible time when I am getting ds to bed. Also they are always 'too busy'!)
'Did you know that someone even recommended I see a counsellor for this?'
'we give you so much love and support, how could you do this to us? It's like a knife in the heart' (big sobs and Oscar winning performance)

This is all said with very dramatic crying a weeping and an extremely 'hurt' demeanor.
Anyone who was on the other end of the phone at her end would think that I must be some evil witch.

I am really, really struggling with the guilt that she imposes on me.

Then I have my abusive father in the background rubbing his hands at the fodder that this is giving him in his campaign against me.

'look at how you have upset your mother, your behaviour is appauling'

Then they go and call someone and slag me off saying how cruel vicious and nasty I am.

I am sorry this is utter rambling I know but I just can't take the emotions that this causes any more, I really can't

I guess what I am trying to get to grips with is that perhaps the only way I can deal with this issue is by going NC, and that low contact is not going to work.

The low contact and boundary thing doesn't seem to be working.
I just need to get my head around that.

Or maybe I am being to harsh a part of me thinks I am I just need to be better at handling it.

I don't think you'll be able to go NC without support from a therapist. You chose someone exactly like them in your ex husband, didn't you?

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? You should look into it; I think it would really help you.

Thanks imperial

Yes I have done the freedom programme, it was enormously helpful, and helped me through leaving my ex.
And it uncovered truths about my childhood aswell and I realise I ended up with someone who treated me the way I thought I deserved (ie' like s**)

You would think I would be better at handling it but I think the issues are so ingrained I keep doubting myself. And my parents are so hard to content with they are really explosive and unpredictable and getting worse.

From what you've written, I think you're right and NC is going to be the answer. It'll be hard but get easier. Concentrate on building yourself and your life independently of them.