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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being controlled?

21 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 26/10/2015 11:44

DH and I are going through a bad patch. We have 3 month old DS and I think I am less tolerant to DH behaviour since his birth. But I am also much better at saying what i think (not in a bad way but used to just put up and shut up for the easy life)
DH can be negative and anxious, also critical. He knows this but wont accept it at the time. We had issues with my family years ago whivh I have moved on from but he wont/hasnt.

I went out with his mum last week, to a shopping centre he doesnt like to get some essentials I couldnt get anywhere closer. He was in a foul mood when i got home after him (4.30) Said we are in different places in life, want different things. Was fine the next day but no apology (had raised his voice and been forthcoming with his negative critical view of me) Says I have lost confidence. I think this is down to him.

We have agreed that i need to be more up front with him (had got into the habit of not telling him stuff for an easy life) and he needs to be more reasonable about my family as he makes a negative comment and often a lengthy character assassination every time i mention them.

I want to go out with mum sis and her kids this week. Half term. He will get the hump over it. If i mention it in advance he wont want me to go, if i go anyway he will say i take no notice of him, do what i want anyway etc. He will be in a mood after. I do not want to be controlled like this but equally i dont want to cause a problem so soon after the last one.

I also have concerns over how his general attitude will affect DS as he grows up but thats another thread.....

OP posts:
Icanseeclearly · 26/10/2015 11:49

Yes you are. Massively. He needs to stop and stay stopped (unlikely) or you need to leave. That is a huge amount of control - not wanting you shopping, not wanting you out with family, wanting you to only do what he wants, wanting you home before him (?? Not out at all??).

It sounds like a situation that will escalate if you try to stand your ground imo.

iloverunning36 · 26/10/2015 12:01

I've had this and imo it's controlling. When I have thought about it I didn't criticise his family and when he criticised mine it was his way of making it difficult for me to see them/punishing me for seeing them. He also made out it was all my fault for not speaking up.

Threefishys · 26/10/2015 12:09

He is crippingly insecure.

sparechange · 26/10/2015 12:12

What are the reasons he doesn't want you to go?
Is it related to his anxiety and being left alone? Is that also why he doesn't like going to shopping centres?

Does he acknowledge his anxiety to be a real problem? Would be seek treatment for it?

Sparrowlegs248 · 26/10/2015 12:12

He is three very anxious too. I just don't know what to do. In the long term not just this weeks decision.

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 26/10/2015 12:14

It comes in stages. He was fine last year when i had a weekend away with a friend and has been fine about stuff with my family too. He knows he is unreasonable about my family.

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 26/10/2015 12:16

Tell him to shut his damn mouth or shut the door on the way out.

It seems, in my experience at least, men are children (hi I'm a man too) they will only act in a fashion they are allowed to act in.

Eg: You do something he doesn't like so he sulks or gets mad, you placate for peace, he wins.

I think tell him straight what you're doing and if he sulks, ignore him, take all impact of his actions away. If ypu react and arfue, he still wins. Like a puppy, reward good behaviour, ignore bad.Grin
He's an adult and you don't need his permission to do whatever you want.

Sparrowlegs248 · 26/10/2015 12:16

He's very critical of people spare and quite judgmental at times. Doesn't like consumerism. Doesn't like shopping. I've always had days out shopping with friends/family. I don't expect him to go if he doesn't like it. He would not consider any treatment at all.

He was at work when i was out and got in just before me.

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 26/10/2015 12:18

^ obviously if he suffers anxiety and has mental issues then that is what needs addressing. I'd still not give intonit though, it sounds like emotional blackmail.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 26/10/2015 12:29

my OH also has anxiety, he has had it 20 years, i had 2 choices let his anxiety ruin 2 lives or 1.
Only this morning i asked him to get counceslling, once again he has refused.

I decided to only let it ruin his life. i just go and do what i want, he is free to come if he ever wants to. I am sure some of my work collegues think he is imaginary as he always feels ill ("no this isn't a panic attack I really am ill") the day of stuff.
I leave him at home feeling sick, and take the kids and enjoy myself.

Sparrowlegs248 · 26/10/2015 12:31

It feels like it see

I do try to ignore it but then it comes across as if i don't care.

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 26/10/2015 12:41

We have 3 month old DS and I think I am less tolerant to DH behaviour since his birth.

Could it be that he has stepped up his controlling behaviour since the birth of your son? This is a very common pattern as the abuser sees you as more vulnerable (well you are, just after giving birth and in those first few months - no two ways about it).

I would guess that you are not 'less tolerant' - you are probably merely trying to resist his ludicrous controlling demands in just the same way as before, but I think it is likely that he has recently got worse.

I have full sympathy OP. I had this with XH. The real kicker is that since you have had the baby, he considers that the power in the relationship has and should go his way. He is using your vulnerability and supposed 'dependence' on him as great new levers to make you do what he wants - all the time.

Your post is incredibly telling. That idea that you went to a shopping centre that 'he doesn't like'. It's amazing - he doesn't like it, there is no suggestion that you have a perfect right to go anywhere you like and to like things that he doesn't like. I got that - I was criticised for liking something and he would keep having a go at my liking for someone or something as if it was a crime. It is very confusing and undermining. And it is often easier to concede or smooth things over, just to get him off your back.

The good thing in your post, from my point of view, is that you are very aware of when he does this to you. Yes, he is controlling. And it you know in your bones it is absolutely wrong and unacceptable behaviour. Unfortunately it does not show him in a good light at all. And even more unfortunately I don't think he is going to change what he is doing. He is a bully. I asked myself time and again 'Who would start a campaign of criticism and nastiness against the mother of his child, the person he is supposed to hold dear, protect and admire??'. I never got to answer that question, apart from the obvious one 'Yes, my husband is that person'. And the only solution was divorce - only sussed that after another child and a few more years living in fear.

Good luck OP. You sound mentally very together. Don't let him drive a wedge between you and your support network. These are the people that will keep you sane. You are right to be concerned about the future. I bet your H believes deep down that men deserve to order women around and that he is essentially a woman-hater. This guy is bad for your wellbeing, truly, and won't be a good relationship role model for your son.

Good luck OP. Please tell your mum/sis/friends about what he is like. Do NOT be ashamed of telling people. And watch out for him going back on ANY agreements about his behaviour. I've had 'negative, anxious and critical' - funny that it was all directed at me, not his friends, colleagues, people he played sport with. Have a think about why he makes YOU the problem.

You sound great OP. Congratulations on your DS and keep your head high.

Sparrowlegs248 · 26/10/2015 14:34

Passive does he sulk about it though or make you life a misery? DH has done the same as yours, to the point of getting to the event in the car and then him saying 'you go in i'm going home' The next time i just told him i was going. He dropped me off and when he picked me up said 'I should have come with you shouldn't i?'

hill I know it standard for behaviour to escalate in pregnancy but i don't think it has. I think I really am less tolerant and I have more time to think.things over. I usually work full time in quite a demanding role, lots of colleagues etc whereas now i am how alone (with DS) a lot. Thank you for your post, it made me well up.

Silly thing is i am not that close to family but i do want to see them without a fuss.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 26/10/2015 15:51

yeah - he's truly controlling.
people like him only get worse. they never improve.
i would be cashing in my chips on this whole relationship. i really would.

can i come round and give him a swift hard kick in the anus, please?

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 26/10/2015 16:13

mine doesn't sulk about it.

Sparrowlegs248 · 27/10/2015 21:28

I don't think I can do this anymore. Yesterday he was lovely. Today fine but then changed in the click of a finger. Apparently because the throw was training on the floor answer I never straighten it.

I realise I am only posting the bad stuff here. It is just so wearing.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/10/2015 22:30

He can straighten the throw if he likes it straight.

Why should it be your problem that he likes the throw straighter than you do?

No wonder you are worn down if he gets in a sulk over less than nothing like this.

Sparrowlegs248 · 28/10/2015 02:37

Its like a black cloud of doom descends. I'm anxious, I never used to be. I'm worrying about tomorrow visit from a friend. About another friends wedding that I am seriously considering not going to. Because it won't be enjoyable, or he will decide he doesn't want to go on the day. I don't know how to go forward from how i am feeling. I will try to talk but it will end up with him getting angry, saying i always blame him, he's such an unreasonable bastard etcetc.
i need him to realise how serious this is.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/10/2015 02:50

I bet he doesnt mind consumerism when its something he wants to buy.

Sparrowlegs248 · 28/10/2015 05:02

Not really Helena He will deliberate for hours/days/weeks over whether to buy something. To the point where i want to shout 'just bloody buy iy will you?!'

He does grocery shopping and buys himself magazines but that's about it. Will often not buy food/drink if he is out for longer than expected.

OP posts:
K1mberly · 28/10/2015 05:27

It's very concerning that you are thinking of not going to a friends wedding because of his reaction .

If he doesn't like weddings, why don't you leave the baby with him and go yourself ?

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