Do you know anyone happily married, who doesn't live with their spouse?

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

I'm in a new (6 months) relationship with a wonderful man who I love to pieces. We are ridiculously happy together.

We're both in our 40s, with plenty of relationship experience. I know, I know, I know that 6 months is crazily early to be thinking like this, but we've both felt like we've hit the jackpot pretty much since day 1.

We want to get married. I've said no to getting engaged because I've been engaged twice before and I feel like a bit of a twat doing it a third time. Thing is, for practical reasons (teenage children, elderly parent, geography) we wouldn't be able to live together full-time for four years at least.

Would it be ridiculous to marry and continue our current living arrangement (pretty much 50/50 his and mine)?

It would, wouldn't it? Please tell me I'm as daft as a brush and need a head wobble

Imperial, you've handed me an excellent grip there

You're caught up in the romance. If you were 18 that might be more understandable, but if you've been engaged twice (married twice?) and he's been involved with others, you HAVE to know that some relationships don't last.

What you are wanting to do is to legally bind a really new relationship. That is madness! And yes, it works for the odd person, but that is down to luck as much as judgement.

We're so lucky nowadays that we don't have to marry to prove our love for someone. Don't make decisions that could affect the rest of your life while you're still on cloud nine.

Absolutely agree with this. DP and I have been together a year, live an hour apart, could and would marry him tomorrow but hold off living together until my DD has moved onto to uni etc (around 4 years) so that any home we have we buy together and its hours from fresh. But yes would very much like to be married to him now ??

Can't you tie a banner to a motorway bridge that says in red capitals "I love my man!" Or have it transmitted at Wembley stadium on a huge billboard? Would that do the trick?

What you are wanting to do is to legally bind a really new relationship. That is madness! It is, isn't it

A les risky grand gesture would be far more appropriate, I agree. I've never actually married, whereas he has. That's probably got something to do with it.

This thread is immensely helpful, thank you . < non-bridal

Delighted to see this thread. I created a v similar one last week! My partner and I are about to start this - we own flats in the same street and moved in together (into one of the flats, rented the other out) when our son was born. He is now 2 and we believe our lives would all be happier if we lived separately in the two flats. Our son will have a bedroom in each flat, and we will continue to be a family. I'm excited about it, and couldn't care less if anyone thinks it's odd. Go for it if you think it will work for you! Good luck !

Pounding, totally hear you about the piles of stuff!!!

yes my godmother and her husband have been married for 50 years and have always kept separate houses.

My FIL and his partner have happily lived apart for 3 years and have no intention of changing. They spend 3 days a week at his 3 at hers and the other day they both spend alone at their own homes. If it works why does it matter?

Posted too soon. There is no need to rush into marriage though. If you want to commit engagement is a good alternative and marry when you are sure it's going to work long term.

Why marry and then not live together? For me it would smack of lack of commitment somewhere, because logistical compromise is part of marriage IMO.

The 4 years will fly by. I've been with my dp for 3 years (but known him 6 so could have easily moved in straight away), but wanted to hold off moving in together until my children left for uni.
We're planning on doing it very soon, but these 3 years have been nice. Lots of times we've both wished we lived together but in reality it's been good having two separate homes.
Its kept our relationship fresh, like dating and still pretty honeymoon periodish, I still have butterflies when we see each other :-)

Oh peas - that's so lovely to hear

Freda, the logistics are mainly around our children. We could move in together and just expect them to suck it up, but why should they? I wouldn't want any of them to have to travel hours each day to college, to have to compromise on their study choices, or to have to sacrifice the time they spend with either parent, so that two forty-somethings can live together. They've all had enough disruption in their teenage years as it is. The elderly parent wouldn't cope well with being uprooted, either.

I could easily do this.

Looking back to previous relationships, I think separate wings of a large house would do

Im exactly the same Loveleopardprint!! But only been back here for 2 years. It works well if you trust each other

This thread has been tremendously helpful, in calming me down about the marriage thing. Particularly Imperial's sensible yet sensitive slap around the chops with a wet fish advice and peas' assurance that the next few years will fly by. I'm loving the butterflies thing, peas. I really ought not to be rushing towards the 'ffs, is he back already?' phase.

I've realised that a lot of it is about proving to everyone (including to each other) that this is the 'real thing'. We can do that over time, every time we're together and in the ways we think about each other when we're apart. No need for a wedding yet

Have to say I'm quite relieved to read your latest post OP! No harm in looking forward to a wedding one day, with the "one day" being a bit further off yet! As you say, you don't have to prove anything to anyone.

I know a married couple that live in another country. They live at opposite ends of said country. He has his own business so is committed to stay there, she has young kids that she shares 50/50 custody with their father and won't move away from that area until the kids have finished schooling. They (said married couple) are extremely happy and commute every weekend, day off, holiday etc to be together with or without her kids depending on wether it's her week or not.

It can work very well. I, otoh, could not bear the thought of living apart from my DH.. Except maybe when he's snoring.. Like now!

What you're suggesting isn't really any different to say being in the forces and your partner being stationed away. Plenty manage it alright. Dboyfriend works with a woman in her mid-30's who's stationed a flight away from her DH (still in the UK) and their property. They don't see each other that often, maybe every month or so, and there are no children involved. I wouldn't want to do it but she seems to spend a lot of time in the gym and keeps herself busy. They have no 'end game'; you know, "I only have to do two more years then we'll be together". That's what would be the killer for me, but she speaks very positively of the arrangement.

My uncle and his partner have been together since they were 15 and 16 (now 59 and 60 respectively) and they've never lived together. For the last ten years they've been building a house to share but they won't install a shower, ostensibly because they can't agree on tiles But the reality is they've got used to living on their own since their remaining elderly parents died (part of the reason they've waited so long to do it) and they both seem terrified of taking the plunge. So they're in this ridiculous position where they live together five nights a week, then on the others they return to their respective houses. Hers is a bloody three bed council house too, a family would be crying out for that! She's also a hoarder who is attempting to adopt the neighbour's cat by stealth.

TLDR- it's alright short term but don't be leaving it too long otherwise your neighbour will hate you for trying to steal their cat.

I'm not allowed pets in my rented flat, Craic. The neighbourhood cats are safe