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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's like something out of bloody Bridget Jones' Diary

20 replies

Bakerooney · 26/10/2015 09:34

I have a real-life Mark and Daniel situation going on! I know what the right answer is, but it's so difficult.

Please someone give me a grip.

I've been seeing a younger man for the last few weeks who I'm having a lot of fun with. He's probably not long term relationship material though and he's not in a place to commit right now. Fine...the sex is bloody amazing

For years I was in love with my best friend from childhood but for one reason or another we never got it properly together. He's recently moved back to my area and we've had some conversations which suggest he'd like to make a proper go of it with me. He's like an ideal man on paper but I got very hurt over the years and sort of trained myself not to long after him anymore. There's a lot more complicated feelings there and while part of me wants to settle down ...I should start thinking about kids soon etc...I also am having so much fun with the first guy that I don't know what to do.

I don't think my friend will hang around forever. He's really lovely and always used to have girlfriends no problem...what if I change my mind in 6 months and he's already attached to someone else again? Help!!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 26/10/2015 09:37

How old are you?
How soon do you want kids?
Do you actually have strong feelings for your friend?
Could you date him for a bit to see how it goes?
It's great having some fun, but if you do want to settle and this man ticks all the boxes then you might need to act.
Like you say, he'll be snapped up by someone else if you don't go for it!

RiceCrispieTreats · 26/10/2015 09:43

Looking at it unemotionally: It makes more sense to break it off with younger man and give a proper relationship a go with friend. Even if it doesn't work out with your friend, young men who want no-strings sex are easy to find, so your younger paramour will be easier to replace (gosh this is a terrible way to speak about human beings...). Mature men who want commitment are less easy to find. You have more to gain by trying to see if things with friend work, than you have things to lose if you break it off with younger man: he doesn't want long-term commitment anyway.

DOES friend want commitment, though? If he failed to step up and ask you out in the past, is he going to be just as dithery now? Are you just fantasising that he is a credible long-term partner and co-parent, or is this really the kind of man he is?

Original poster

Bakerooney · 26/10/2015 09:44

I'm 30. The ideal scenario is to have kids within the next few years. My feelings for the younger guy are pretty strong - and we're exclusive so I can't date my friend at the same time - but he's a riskier prospect long-term.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bakerooney · 26/10/2015 09:46

That's interesting ricecrispie. Sorry to drip-feed nut the main reason why we never really got it together is he used to travel about a lot for work and I didn't want a LDR although we dated as teenagers. Now he wants to settle and try things properly and it's messing with my head!

OP posts:

Lweji · 26/10/2015 09:48

I'd say you need to clarify it with your older friend.
Could you be jumping to conclusions regarding his intentions?

Joysmum · 26/10/2015 09:51

Are things exclusive with fun guy?

fourquenelles · 26/10/2015 09:52

for one reason or another we never got it properly together
I got very hurt over the years and sort of trained myself not to long after him anymore.
always used to have girlfriends no problem

I think you may be in love with the fantasy of your childhood friend rather than the reality. I think that, if there was a connection, you and he would have found a way to be together by now. My view, for what it's worth, is live for the here and now, enjoy life with your current beau. (btw I was 34 when I had my DC, there is still plenty of time for you).

Original poster

Bakerooney · 26/10/2015 09:53

Yes...and he says he 'really likes me' and calls me all sorts of wonderful things. The feeling is mutual...

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 26/10/2015 09:53

The 'Daniel' relationship you have seems essentially a FWB arrangement, and as others have said is peripheral to you. Your relationship with 'Mark' didn't last the first time and for that reason IIWM I would not put all my eggs in that basket either. How about a new, uncluttered relationship with someone who wants the same things as you?

RiceCrispieTreats · 26/10/2015 10:29

If he says he really likes you, and the feeling is mutual, what is it that's still making you hesitate?

Original poster

Bakerooney · 26/10/2015 10:31

He's only 22. He is still at uni for 3 more years. He's quite immature in some ways...somewhat more selfish than the 'Mark' - but only in small ways.

OP posts:

Pandora97 · 26/10/2015 12:47

To me it reads as though you've moved on from your friend and have stronger feelings for the younger guy. But if he's at uni for the next 3 years then is he likely to want children any time soon? I think most guys would want to have been earning for a while before having a family so you could be looking at another 5+ years, that's if your relationship even lasts that long. Interested that you say you're exclusive but he can't commit - well if you're exclusive, you are committed in a sense aren't you? If he doesn't want to commit, why does it matter if you date your friend at the same time? If he's bothered by you dating someone else, that suggests he has feelings for you and as you're already in an exclusive relationship I don't see how being 'official' would make much difference.

FredaMayor · 26/10/2015 12:48

22? That's little more than a child for a male. You are 30 and female. You and he are in very different places IMO. Look at it this way - the woman he might expect to end up with will be 18-20 right now. If you think the 'Daniel' relationship is what you need I fear heartache lies ahead, OP.

Destinysdaughter · 26/10/2015 16:29

Difference between men and women is that men can have kids at practically any age. We can't! If you seriously want kids, I'd give it a go with Mark, as Daniel won't be wanting kids till you're about 40 and it could well be too late by then...

GingerIvy · 26/10/2015 17:03

Keep in mind that the "Mark" may not be the same person he used to be, either. People have a way of changing, and sometimes we don't see it right away as we "see" them as the person we used to know. I'm curious though. Is "Mark" telling you he wants to be with you, even though he knows you're exclusive with "Daniel?" Because you know, they could both be "Daniels" in some ways. It happens.

Original poster

Bakerooney · 26/10/2015 17:56

"Mark" doesn't know about "Daniel"...yet.

Perhaps I'm being unfair calling the younger man "Daniel"! He's very sweet, sees a future with us, doesn't think he's too young for me, has even talked about wanting children at some point (!) and is fantastic fun. We get on very well.

My family are complicating things as well. They adore "Mark" and always wanted us to be together. They would not approve of the younger guy as he's not as stable a prospect.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 26/10/2015 18:05

I really disagree with the general consensus that always seems to be on these threads that men at 22 ish are generally immature and not more than children ....! Imagine if someone said that about a woman ?!

I was 31 when I met my now dh, he was 22 and I had a 7 year old dd. He is and always has been far more grounded and sensible than I ever was and many years on now we have a nearly 4 year old together and are happily married.

I think people can be immature and daft at any age really. I had the most stupid and wildest times of my life as a divorcee aged 29 ish when my dd spent weekends at her dads and I worked in a hotel.

Op if you like the younger man and he makes you happy don't let his age put you off. If you were a man and he was the woman people wouldn't even be worried, at 30 you have a while yet when it comes to having dc etc.

Original poster

Bakerooney · 26/10/2015 18:43

The thought of having a similar relationship with the younger man, Fairylea, makes my heart leap.

The thought of having that with the Mark guy doesn't...but it leaves a sort of warm cosy glow IYSWIM?

I heard it's the glow that lasts? Not infatuation?

Bloody hell this is hard.

OP posts:

Destinysdaughter · 27/10/2015 00:32

Only you can decide, but remember people do change as they get older and Daniel is really just starting out in life and may turn out very different as he gets older. Think about how much you've changed since that age...

Garlick · 27/10/2015 01:27

Umm, sorry to throw another spanner in the works and that ... but are you financially sorted, or likely to be so in the next few years? Reason I'm asking is the third scenario: you carry on being in love & lust with your younger man, have child with few expectations of the father and just see how that pans out. There isn't any rule book saying you must be joined at the wrist to your child's father. If he's a decent chap, he'll be a decent father whether you're coupled up with him, someone else entirely, or nobody much.

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