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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have you ever taken heed of someone's criticism of you and changed as a result?

45 replies

Mintyy · 25/10/2015 23:09

You know, those times when you secretly know deep down that someone is speaking the truth about you, no matter how painful it is.

Have you managed to change as a result?

OP posts:

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 26/10/2015 16:06

Seriously, that must sting!

My mother has started shouting and booming at people in her old age for some reason, even when they are a foot and half away from her. I've tried to mention it gently but she's just not getting it.

I used to know a really nice lady whose voice was so loud I flinched in her presence, so I know what your mum means.

Seriouslyffs · 26/10/2015 16:17

There are lots of loud women in my family- my mum isn't and has often told me to stop gabbling, not unkindly but when I'm on a roll!
Most memorably I became aware of a parent and teacher absolutely glaring at me at a Parents' Evening. I was catching up with a friend I hadn't seen for 5 years. I think there was air kissing and screeching.

RedRosie · 26/10/2015 16:19

Yes... one of those worrk-related things that also spills into life. I have been on a programme where I've had a lot of assessment, psychometrics and one-to-one/group coaching.

One thing identiified has been my 'briskness' and potential impatience/air of unavailability in the work context. Since this was pointed out I've been making much more effort to be approachable and adopt a listening approach.

I think DH has also benefited.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 26/10/2015 16:20

If it's any consolation i think we all mellow a bit and learn to temper ourselves with age. i am 50 and not nearly as insufferable as I was at 25.

ShatnersBassoon · 26/10/2015 16:32

Yes, a few times. People have pointed out my bad habits or unpleasant tendencies, and I've tried really hard to stop doing those things.

One that stuck with me was a friend saying "I won't tell this story because I just know Shatners will have done it bigger and better than me," when we were about 18. I've since bitten my tongue when I feel one-upmanship creeping into my thoughts.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 26/10/2015 19:02

Leave... Hope your ds does grow out of it...if he is an angry young man I am not sure what my excuse is

pocketsaviour · 26/10/2015 19:15

I have changed a lot of things as a result of feedback at work. My worst one (and hardest to change) was that I used to waffle. I used to say something and then rephrase it about 2-3 different ways.

"What I need you to do, Steve, is to complete the orders report for me next week... So next week, I need you to complete the orders report... I'm asking you to complete the orders report for me next week, as I'm not here... As I'm not here, you'll need to complete the report every day."

LITERALLY like that. I'm amazed nobody ever said "Yeah I got you the first time " but until it was pointed out in a review I had no idea I did it.

One thing I've also changed is on advice from my son's psychiatrist. When he comes to me with a problem, even if it's just "I'm feeling shit mum" I used to try to fix it. Then we would both get frustrated because he would say that my solutions weren't workable and I'd say he wasn't trying. But he doesn't need me to fix it (he's an adult now) he just needs me to listen and let him know that I love him.

pocketsaviour · 26/10/2015 19:16

There are a lot of other shit behaviours I used to have but I addressed those in therapy and worked to change. I am now a lot more direct and assertive. I'm not a people pleaser any more.

stoppingbywoods · 26/10/2015 19:23

Yes, more than once.

A friend told me she was hurt by the way I moved on to other friends. I hadn't realised and changed.

HoggleHoggle · 26/10/2015 19:35

Pocket my sis does the waffling thing, drives me insane! Well done for changing it.

I too need to stop being a people pleaser.

daisychain01 · 26/10/2015 20:51

What a lovely bunch of people just reading about everyone's ahaa moments and what they changed for the better is brilliant!!!

daisychain01 · 26/10/2015 20:51

I don't think I can ever stop being a people pleaser it's sooo hard.

Ethylred · 26/10/2015 21:08

"Is that the person you want to be?"

That made me realize that being irritated, like so much else, is a matter of choice.

PuellaEstCornelia · 27/10/2015 08:00

Ooh, Pocketsaviour, I definitely do the fixing everyone's problems when they want to vent! So much so that my DH started saying 'I'll tell you this, but just say nod and say poor sweet baby........'

PuellaEstCornelia · 27/10/2015 08:01

Actually, I do that do much now, my DD complains I'm not really listening. No pleasing some!

Dogzeyes · 27/10/2015 08:11

My DH told me I was too intense and controlling.

I was struggling with panic attacks at the same time, I did CBT and found all this behaviour was routed in anxiety linked to my upbringing.

I'd love to say I have completely changed but it's a process and I have improved dramatically as a result, I feel so much more at peace with myself

Vagabond · 27/10/2015 14:51

I've been repeatedly told that my pointing out other people's awful tattoos "how could they do that to themselves!" is clear evidence that I am too scared to get one myself.

That could be true.

something2say · 27/10/2015 18:06

It's been pointed out to me by several unrelated people over the past two years or so that I am too heavy. This is the worst thing I think of myself and it has hurt each and every time someone has said it. But the fact that they are unrelated has to mean something, so I am taking the lesson on the chin and working to address it.

I've also been told that I'm a bit unapproachable at times at work lately. We have had this new database in, much more work to it, same workload behind it and I feel like a database worker now!! But I went right back to basics with my clients and have had some lovely feedback since. And my boss tells me to work less. Take lunch, write less yp, just focus on the clients.

So it's hard but it has to be done. And the ego can shove off!!!

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 28/10/2015 05:02

I remember when I was about 21 or 22 I worked in a very small branch office of four or five people. My manager who I got along great with left and we were expecting a new manager, but she never arrived so we soldiered on alone for a few weeks with occasional visits from someone from Head Office. During this period I was rooting around in the manager's office looking for something and came across some notes that the she had left as a handover for the new woman. There was a little bit of blurb about each of us, what our roles were, etc. It said something like 'Leave is a lovely girl, very warm and enthusiastic, the clients love her but she can be a bit too big for her boots sometimes so you just need to make sure you keep her in her place from time to time.'

I was affronted. But I thought about it a lot, and to be honest she was absolutely right. I did speak out of turn, perhaps overstep professional boundaries and make decisions that were not always mine to make. I think I definitely grew up a bit after reading that, and became better for it.

JessicaTreuhaft · 28/10/2015 07:08

Puella, my best friend and I when having those types of conversations we will listen and then the other will say 'Solutions or sympathy?' Would that work with dd ?

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