Men and porn

[ambles]

Hi, I have returned to mumsnet after a long absence for your advice on a sensitive issue.

My dp and I have been together for 2yrs. I knew him for a yr or so before that and we finally got together after I split up with ex-h. I have 2 small kids from my marriage. Dp has always been fantastic with the kids and our relationship is wonderful - it has restored my faith in men after a difficult marriage and bitter divorce.

The sex has always been great and we're both uninhibited and talk freely about sex, so I've always known he uses porn. I have no problem at all with the concept of men using porn - they're visual creatures etc etc. But earlier this yr my dp started using a site where you effectively pay for a private sex show from girls on webcams. We don't live together and what he does with his money is up to him (although it is expensive if you use it as often as he does). But I have a real problem with the concept of my man, who I love dearly, engaging sexually with other women. I feel betrayed. I have talked about this with him but didn't approach the topic very well and we had a big row in which the original issue was lost.

He has said he will stop doing it, but I know his username and password and can see from the account balance that, the day after he told me he would stop, he added more credit and has been using it every day since.

My problem is, our relationship is everything I want in every other way. I can't bear the idea of losing him. But how can I bring it up with him again without him knowing that I've been "spying" on him, and without him getting angry? I think he has a sort of addiction to this and I really want to get him to view it as such and deal with it.

ask him to watch it with u (if u like that sort of thing) and then try n ask him what it is about it that he likes, maybe he would like you to give him a lapdance etc, maybe its something that he would like to share with you or something that he would like you to do be it too afraid to ask. or even suprise him with your own lapdance and see how he reacts to that.

Hmm, there is a difference between this and porn, to my eye, but obviously not to his.

Is it worth asking him how he'd feel about you paying men to strip? Or about you stripping for other men?

I'd stop spying, though, tbh. To some extent, particularly as you live separately, what he chooses to do with his penis (and his money) is his business ...

In the past, I have had "virtual" sex with him via our webcams when he was travelling. At the time (when I didn't know he was using this webiste), it felt a bit naughty and I think we both enjoyed it.

Now that I know he is doing it with anonymous strangers online, I don't feel like doing it with him. Obviously I am not enough for him, otherwise why wouldn't he just do it with me instead?

I have asked him how he would feel if I was engaging in sexual activity with a variety of other men online. He didn't really respond.

My main problem now is how to bring it up with him without issuing an ultimatum, whihc he reacts very badly to. I am desperately in love with him and would be devaasted to lose him, so I want to be loving and understanding rather than accusing and bitter. But he doesn't think there's a problem, so how can I even discuss it with him without revealing how I know the extent of his use?

If he won't engage with you on the subject, and isn't being honest, what options do you have? You could suggest relationship counselling, but from what you say, i can't imagine the response would be positive really.

I don't have a problem with porn in a happy, open relationship either, but if i found out DP was doing this too, i would see it as something more personal than 'ordinary' porn, which also excluded me.

I think your only choice is to have it out with him in a calm manner- tell him what you know and how you feel. And don't forget to let him speak and say how he feels too. As someone else has said, you don't even live together- how committed is he?