My mum, my pregnancy and me

[DimlowChips]

I have never had a particularly great or close relationship with my mum, and that has certainly had an effect on me over the years. When my parents split up about 5-6 years ago I ended up getting myself counselling because of panic attacks and borderline anxiety. All of my issues boiled down to problems with my mum never showing me any affection at all, and making feel an outsider compared to my sister.

I'm now pregnant with our first child, which is fantastic, and he is due in December No one in my family thought I would ever have children because I always said I hated them. This stemmed from her attitude towards me when I was little: I thought children were horrible because that's the impression I got from her.

Other than two brief text conversations, I have had zero contact from my mum (apart from when I have sent her copies of my scans). Not one phonecall, email or FaceTime. She lives a ten minute walk from my sister and devotes here time to helping sis and bil with their family. None of them are hard up for money, this is simply where mum wants to be since splitting with my dad. This puts her several hours drive away from us, but there are other ways of getting in contact!

My husband thinks I'm letting her off too lightly by not challenging her over the lack of interest she has shown during my pregnancy. But I did tell her during my counselling how she made me feel and that I wanted her to be the same mum to me that she is to my sister, but it made no difference. I don't honestly recall her phoning me since I left home 15 years years ago, and she has stayed with us once (which didn't end well and my husband basically removed her and my dad from our house).

Am I wrong to just write her off, and accept that my little one isn't going to have any kind of relationship with her? I certainly wouldn't hide her existence from him, but neither would I want to make excuses for her.

If anyone has been in this situation, what did you do, or what did you wish you had done?

I think you are doing the right thing.

Your mother has made it perfectly clear where you are in her priorities.

You could waste many more years trying to get her to care. Better to accept she won't and protect yourself and DC from hurt.

Should have added I have virtually no contact with my father.

I made an effort as my mum said I should when DS was born. Did all the driving to see him etc.

One of his other DD (second marriage) had a son and my DS was surplus.

Now I think it would have been better if I never introduced this man into DS's life. He has enough loving family he doesn't need someone who can't be bothered.

You are on the right track, although its not a particularly nice one.

I think that it is very true that becoming a parent makes us re evaluate our own childhood and our relationship with our parents.

You are right to face facts. You have tried in the past to tell your mother how you feel. It did not have the desired impact.

Your best bet now is self preservation. Expect very little of her and you won't be disappointed. Protect your ds from the inevitable favouritism towards his cousins.

I found a book called The Emotionally Absent Mother very, very helpful.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Time to make a new family.

Thank you both, it took quite a lot to write that down.

It is a very difficult situation to deal with. I am the youngest of 3 and even from a young age, was always low down on my mum's list of priorities.

Through counselling and a lot of soul searching, I began to look much further back and look at my mum's relationship with her own biological mother. And her step mother. I won't bore you with the details but my mum was removed from her own mother and spent her formative years in a Banardos home. I can understand why she always made sure that we were clean, well fed and went to school. I can also understand why the emotional nurturing side was very different. I can understand but this does not excuse.

In your situation, you may never know why your mother behaves in the way she does. Or in time, there may be things that reveal themselves to you. I think it is unfortunately all too common that a parent thinks that one child needs them more than another child. This can continue into adulthood.

I too have to stop myself. I sometimes think my ds needs me more than my DD. But it isn't more, just in a slightly different way. Looking back, was your sibling always the more needy of the two of you? Such patterns can start very young and last a lifetime.

So you've spent 15 years trying to get your mother to act lovingly towards you and it hasn't worked .

You told her how you feel and what you want and it's made no difference .

You're now pregnant , you've told her about it, sent her photos and it's made no difference .

I think you'll find that it's her who has " written you off " , and not the other way around . How much more of your life are you going to spend trying to change this woman. She will NEVER be the mother you deserve , or the grandmother your baby derserves .

I'm sorry, I know this is deeply painful . But you need to accept who she is and how she treats you and let this go .

This should be a happy time in your life - please focus on your baby, your self and your new family and your future . Let your mother go - don't contact her any more .