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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating husband

41 replies

Mary261078 · 25/10/2015 13:09

Hello mummies,
I am a first time mother of a gorgeous 17 months old boy and been with my husband for almost 10 years, which of whom 5 in marriage.
Throughout the years we had troubles but it was never something so big that we would break out the relationship. However, there was once in our first year of marriage that he was flirting with coworker and I caught him ( he forgot to log off his Facebook on the home computer) and confronted him. After long arguments he reassured me that nothing has happened between them it was just a silly flirt and to honest I do and did believe in that. After that our relationship got much stronger and we decided to start trying for a baby. However, after 3 years of trying nothing happens. We both had very stressful jobs and my husband worked London 14-16 hours days. After these 3 years of trying we decided to give up and if it happens great...and...it did. We were both over the moon. He was the best husband you can ask for. Always with me (we both quit our jobs in order to release the stress) carting what I'm eating, drinking all the time. When my little boy was born we had a bit of a difficulty so had to stay in hospital for 7 days. He stayed with us 25/7. He didn't shower, eat rubbish from the vending machine and slept on a arm chair the whole time. Once the baby was born, I know lots of you mummies can relate to this, I didn't think about anything else then my son. Been so caught up in the role of being a mummy, thriving to be the best as possible, that I forgot about him, my husband. Due to this we haven't been intimate for over a year, which I agree it's a long period. During all of this time he wasn't working, but when the time came for me to go back to work we decided that it may be a good thing for me. However I was missing my son so much that my husband said he will start looking for work so I can leave and stay at home with my son. All of this time he was brilliant, loving, caring. So few months ago he started a new job and things started to go down. He got back working the long days and having only one day off. I let him be in hope that once he gets established he'll sort his hours and spend time with us. The other day I was trying to move some photos from my phone onto the Mac and his I cloud account was logged in so I went through his photos, to find photos of two girls that he's working with. He stalked them and n FB and saved some sassy photos of them on his phone. The horrible thing is that one of them is a girlfriend of another coworker that works closely with my husband and the other one is only 18(my husbands 37). I went crazy, even writing this now makes my hand shake. I confronted him straight away on which at first instance he shouted back saying there's nothing happening, and then he admitted that he was sexually attracted to them and saved the photos...why? He doesn't know...but he realised straightaway that that's wrong and deleted them from his phone (I did find the pictures in deleted items). We argued for so long and he said that he wants to be with us and he thinks he needs counselling to help him out. I do love him and I agreed to the counselling but still can't forgive nor forget and asked him to leave his job on which he agreed. As he has to give 2 weeks notice I'm still taking him and picking him up from work every day and my hart tears apart. He said that he'll do everything to get us back to at least some similar relationship if he can't bring the real thing that we had back. We went for the initial assessment at the counsellor and now waiting for regular visit dates. In the mean time I am very angry and trying to get him to talk to me in order for both to understand why is this happening but he's so difficult to talk. Whenever I ask him something about these girls, he first gets upset and then he says it was just a stupidity and there was nothing there. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but the main reason I want us together is because of my son-don't want him to grow up in split relationship.
I just don't understand how is he going to work now and spending the days with these girls. Is he still attracted to them? What's on his mind when he sees them there.
Since this happened, he communicates with me more often, phone calls, texts, pictures etc. But that still doesn't prove he's forgot that he was attracted to these girls.
I don't know...I'm so confused
Please help... I'll appreciate any honest advice.
Mx

OP posts:

Rufuswetwipe · 25/10/2015 22:58

*Enoughalreadyyou
*
I'm surprised that you didn't use a comma after starting a sentence with the word 'also'.

Cringe.

Sansoora · 26/10/2015 02:15

Benefit Street?

Dear God.

Cabrinha · 26/10/2015 07:13

I find it interesting that you're focusing on a couple of photos now, when you've BOTH neglected the intimacy of your fault relationship for your child.

I think it's quite telling that you said "mummies", on that. I hate the word, but that's by the by. What it says to me though, is that that is how you are defining YOURSELF now, and I don't think that's a healthy thing. You are more than a mother. Everyone is more than one thing.

Anyway, I digress. Why are you getting her up about a photo of a recent colleague, but you've just swept away his admission that he was flirting with a coworker with a year of MARRYING you?!

That's WHY you're upset about the recent pictures. Because he has already dented your trust.

So yeah - go get counselling - but you should at least go back as far as that. You weren't even married a year and he was off chasing someone else. You've got a problem there.

differentnameforthis · 26/10/2015 07:25

If he's telling the truth he hasn't done much wrong, so far ... I'm hesitant to say you're making too much of it. Erm....

He hunted them out on fb, saved their "sassy" (sexy?) pictures to his icloud account..without them knowing, it sounds like.

He has admitted he is sexually attracted to ONE (I'd say both)..

So these private photos, that he doesn't have permission to have, is what? His private wank bank?

Urgh!! He is behaving oddly, and no, op is NOT making too much of it.

differentnameforthis · 26/10/2015 07:26

Can we stop with the debate about how op addressed us, and get to helping her with the issue at hand??

differentnameforthis · 26/10/2015 07:30

I will no doubt get flamed for saying this, but, if me and my DH hadn't had sex for a whole year, I would not be totally shocked if he got tempted by a very attractive female at work

Well I would, I didn't vow to be constantly at my dh's beck & call re sex, so if he can't understand that AFTER HAVING A BABY, with all the exhaustion that happens with that, that I am too tired for sex, he ain't worth it.

Rufuswetwipe · 26/10/2015 08:08

The OP has already advised that 'mummies' was her phone autocorrecting 'mums'. Agree with above poster either assist or get off the thread, the sniping is unnecessary. I'm also a bit surprised by the poster who insinuated that as Op hadn't had sex with her DH for a year that she should expect him to start masturbating over photos of work colleagues? Some odd responses on here.

OP yanbu to feel betrayed but I think you need to consider that your relationship with your DH has become

Axekick · 26/10/2015 08:31

different

It depends on you point of view. You say he hunted them down, I would say he looked them up on fb (something people do all the time).

The photos were public. The problem with FB is once they are up anyone can use them for any reason. Permission doesn't need to be granted.

The OP also stated that he deleted them and she found them in the deleted file.

He hasn't behaved fantastically, imo, but it's also not the situation you describe.

But that's just my take on it.

I don't agree that cheating is acceptable after a dry spell. However I would expect some sort of all out from such a lengthy one. Honestly if dh I didn't have sex for a year I would be taking care of myself too. Not with anyone else though.

Axekick · 26/10/2015 08:32

I also wouldn't be devastated if dh fancies a colleague.

Jan45 · 26/10/2015 17:14

I think you cannot trust him, he seems to have a problem crossing boundaries with females at work, these are two instances you have discovered, what else is there, he says himself that he needs counselling, pretty bold statement to make if your innocent.

Also, not having sex with a partner should in no way give them the green light to go looking elsewhere, men who this are intending to cheat if they get the chance, that's FA to do with lack of sex and all to do with them not really giving a shit about their relationship.

The two of you need to make an effort to be a couple again but I'm afraid I just wouldn't trust him.

Jux · 26/10/2015 17:25

Finding someone attractive isn't something which you can switch on and off. The photo thing is off, but it's up to you, Mary, how seriously you take it, and that also depends upon on a whole raft of priorities.

Clearly you and dh have to communicate with each other differently - intimacy can be intellectual and emotional, and that can certainly tide you over 'dry' periods. In fact, I would say that emotional and intellectaul intimacy are far more important than physical.

differentnameforthis · 27/10/2015 05:57

Axekick So just because they (might have been) public photos it means the op dh is allowed to download them & possible wank over them...no, don't agree.

I understand that this is what happens when you post stuff on fb, but you have to admit that it is bloody creepy & predatory behaviour to download photos of women he barely knows.

I bet you wouldn't take that stance if the photos were yours!!!

differentnameforthis · 27/10/2015 05:59

I also wouldn't be devastated if dh fancies a colleague. Neither would I, but I don't have trust issues with mine & feel 100% secure with him..however. the op says she caught him "flirting" with a colleague before now, so you can understand why her trust may be broken/fragile.

Axekick · 27/10/2015 06:55

different

I quite clearly said that what he did wasn't ok. I said that he did need their permission, buts it's not ok.

Tbh I would answer the rests of your post, but I don't engage with people who pick and choose parts of posts and ignore everything else, to feel superior

differentnameforthis · 27/10/2015 07:16

Nothing to do with feeling superior, just a difference of opinion.

differentnameforthis · 27/10/2015 07:19

*The photos were public. The problem with FB is once they are up anyone can use them for any reason. Permission doesn't need to be granted

It isn't picking & choosing to highlight the parts of your post that I want to discuss. Though here (which is the post I recently commented on) you quite clearly insinuate that he doesn't need permission.

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