sister in law never includes me in family emails. Any insights?

[Dref]

I'd really appreciate insights on this. My SIL includes everyone in the immediate inlaw family on my husbands side except me. Her family live some distance from us and her parents so when they plan a visit everyone knows what the upcoming ideas are and dates except me. I am mainly a SAHM and have a toddler. It does matter to me to know and plan so I can be at family events with my son and husband. She also doesn't include me in the emails about presents ideas. I find this irritating as my husband and I buy presents jointly from us to them. We have less money and it works out we get better presents that way. Her family custom is usually (not always) to send individual presents, certainly cards from her and her husband are kept separate.

My mother keeps telling me to just ask my husband to ask her to include me, or resend the group email with me included. One item was cuddling our son as much as possible. He said he would but yesterday didn't. He read it out to me instead. That is him being forgetful.

I must also give this example. After my huabnd and I got married she arranged cupcakes and her side of the family to see him for a birthday treat at an exhibition he was holding but didn't tell me or invite me along. This was only a month after we got married. Other than that it's all pleasantries at family events mainly.

Any thoughts would be welcome.
Thanks

Mega rude to organise a surprise birthday celebration for your husband without even telling you!

I do think this is deliberate, having been in a similar situation myself. The best thing you can do is to confront her - not in an aggressive way, but by asking to be included in any future emails. (Assuming that's what you want.) If she doesn't then you know she has an issue. Not inviting you to your own husband's party is pretty awful. I'll never understand why some women have to be so horrible!

Why is it a H issue? Why must OPs Hubby address it with his sister?

OP, send her an email, asking her to add you to invites. If she continues to not include you, you could simply discuss it with her when you see her next and ask her why, so that you're able to get down to the route of the problem IF there is one and resolve it?!?!?!?

I prefer the direct approach to dealing with issues and as a family it is not a case of "it's his sister/family so he deals with it", you are a FAMILY, a UNIT it's about time you started acting like one!

I'm going to just send an email and show it to dh to make sure it sounds non aggressive. I do think she wants to maintain control in some kind of way. I'm sure lots of family comms that don't include inlaws mean nothing but something just feels passive aggressive about this.

Patti mayonnaise what happened on your situation after emailing?

thx for advice everyone.

I would just send an email stating that as (dh name) is rather hit and miss at passing information on, that if she "wishes to arrange something to do with dh and MY dc then I will have to be included in the emails and arrangements or it won't be happening"

I don't give a shit about keeping in-laws happy I don't give a shit about keeping my own family happy either though

"wishes to arrange something to do with dh and MY dc then I will have to be included in the emails and arrangements or it won't be happening"

Felicity, there is really no need to go in guns blazing. OP don't use Felicity's example at first. Just ask politely, non aggressive, it's only when you've addressed it and given her the benefit of doubt and she continues to ignore you that you send Felicity's email.

Normally I would try polite first, but I don't think a woman who deliberately excluded a newlywed from her own husbands celebration is going to bend over a polite email, some SIL' s like mine do need to be told point blank that their brother is actually part of a family unit of their own now.

I'll try polite first although the reason I haven't done it is because I'm not hopeful it will have an impact. I've wanted my dh to set the tone. I think it's really rude personally and yes birthday thing was a real snub hence I fail to forget about it.

I don't see anything wrong with this set up. If my family is organising something then the siblings will be informed then it's up to them to discuss and organise with their own families.
The relationship with in laws is sometines quite fragile so I think it works better this way.

I don't see anything wrong with it being done the opposite way either. I think its passive aggressive in this instance which is designed to look fine on the surface making it hard to confront.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here because you don't like her.

You've heard that in some families it is normal to just email siblings and let them communicate with their partners.

So there is no indication that this is a deliberate snub.

You've not yet asked her to include you.

So there is no reason to believe that she would not include you if you asked.

OP, send her an email, asking her to add you to invites.

Why would the OP do this?

If the SIL isn't including her, it's because she doesn't want to. Sending an email isn't going to achieve anything.

OP - if you want to take it up with the SIL do it in person and privately - when it is just the two of you. Absolutely DO NOT do this by email or over the phone - you need to see her to gauge her reaction and respond appropriately. Be calm and matter of fact. Just state facts without any comment from you "I've noticed you never include me in group invites with DH family and I was wondering why that is"

But if you are going to do that be prepared for either untrue flannelling (gosh sorry I hadn't noticed) OR something that you don't want to hear (I don't like you and would prefer it if you didn't come.)

My guess is that the SIL doesn't like you and doesn't want to communicate with you directly. She's entitled to do that if she wants to. She has not chosen to have you in her life, that was your DH's choice. She probably has to tolerate you for the sake of a relationship with your DH.

Personally, I would just forget about it and ask your DH to continue forwarding the emails to you or adopt a strategy of "replying all" on some pretext and copying you in - so you then get included in any other group replies.

But if you want to address it with her for god's sake, do it face to face and do it yourself (not via your DH).

thanks CheersMedea that's very good advice.