If you do give up on love, what happens to you?

[zas1]

I am beginning to wonder. Not meant to be over dramatic or anything. I had a pretty horrible 8 year marriage which ended 17 years ago. A couple of dates buy nothing more since really.I had some offers but frankly once bitten etc. I have got some lovely friends and a lovely DS who is now 23 and working. Most of my friends in relationships aren't blissfully happy. I saw a programme yesterday about couples and properties one set were 69/64 and had just met. I wonder what it feels like once you just accept it won't happen for you. Maybe it is liberating I don't know.

I shrug now and say to myself what will be will be. I still feel sa i probably won't attract a man because of how i look, my age and DS is severely disabled, i don't go where there are men to meet either.

Hindsight tells me I'm better off single.

I do not feel i could ever trust a man ever again anyway so men are better off without me.

As for what happens..nothing, no drama, no risk, no hurt, no lies. I'm too caring, loving and honest for men, they do not deserve that.

I'm kind of there, zas, I've been single for most of the 20 years since exH left. I had a couple of brief relationships early on, and one 'meaningful' relationship that ended several years ago. I have friends, i 'hobby socialise', I see same-age women meeting men and pairing off, but I just don't seem to catch mens' eye so there it is. Dabbled in online dating but didn't get anywhere and found it just added to the sense of invisibility.

So, I've just accepted that its singledom from now on for me. I do smile wryly when people say the well-meaning 'never know what's around the corner' stuff, and just KOKO.

I don't know.

I've been single slightly longer than you, OP and haven't had a single date (couple of completely unsuitable men have made passes at me).

I haven't done OLD properly - haven't put any pics up on any of my profiles. In convinced I'm too hideous and old for anyone to see a photo and fancy - or see in RL and fancy.

Hence I'll be alone forever.

Maybe it is liberating I don't know.

I think that there's something very liberating in accepting things for what they are. That's the basic tenement of Buddhism isn't it? We shouldn't try to eliminate suffering, pain, loss etc; we should accept that they are there and learn how to live alongside them.
Perhaps you'd be interested in learning a bit more about Buddhism and/or Mindfulness?

I wonder what it feels like once you just accept it won't happen for you.

Well, I'm not sure about the logic of this. How can you be certain it won't happen for you?
Unless you specifically decide to make yourself as unattractive and unavailable as possible in a tailored way for every person you meet(!) you are likely to be found attractive by some of them.

I don't know, OP. I'm 40, single and I don't think it will ever happen for me now. For many reasons, I've never been loved and I wouldn't recognise it if it bit me on the bum now...

Besides, when I do go out, the behaviour of men convinces me I'm better off single.

Last night I went out for a drink to a quiet, backstreet real ale pub. A couple came in and I noticed them straight away because she was like a younger, more attractive version of me and he was my type. I caught him looking at me a few times and on the way back from the bar, I looked to see if he were looking and he was. And rather than turn away he held eye contact until I'd passed.

Whilst he was sitting opposite his very lovely girlfriend. And I certainly wasn't smiling or being flirty.

That's the reality of being in a relationship for me. Feeling like like I have to compete with every other woman on the planet when I'm sitting there with them. And I'm just not that good. So I won't bother. I have found that I'm 'enough' to attract someone initially, but not 'enough' to sustain their interest long term.

And every time I think it would be nice... something like that happens to remind me of the reality.

I think that's sometimes easy to slip in to a bit of a negative, pessimistic attitude if we're feeling lonely. We might ascribe negative motives to someone's behaviour and see only the negative possible outcomes of a situation.

If you feel positive and open to a range of possibilities (good as well as bad) you will get a more realistic experience of life.

I'm 42, came out of a bad long-term relationship 18 months ago. I've never been happier. Single life means freedom, it means getting to know myself all over again, it means building the life I want. I spend a lot of time with friends and family but I can't imagine wanting to be back in a couple.

FolkGirl, that's something that always puzzles me but otoh I admire the women who can deal with it (their partner's interest in/noticing other women and not even being bothered about how it affects the GF. I genuinely want to know if you and I are over reacting - as it's been my pattern too. I wantr to know how women deal with it in a happy way and the relationship is fine, even good. To me the whole point of love is exlcusivity but I know that it's impossible not to be attracted to anyone else for years (I'm the same with men - though if I met mr.right I wouldn't pay attention to others with any intention). I think Buddhism is very helpful to anxious people like us - it's sort of gliding over any situation observing but not reacting and then it passes (the negative emotion) - not easy to learn but I'm getting better I think, so if the rioght man turns up I will give it a go, I don't feel ready to give up on my chances (similar age).
But I agree also that it's not some tragedy if you stay single, OP. If it does depress then you haev to be very proactive with dating, but otherwise don't feel you have to do it because it's the norm/pressure of others opinions.

noclueses I know what you mean but, tbh, I don't care if I'm over reacting!

We all find other people attractive, of course we do. Me included. Relationships are about acknowledging that and thinkibg "yes, but the whole relationship I have with my partner/gf/bf/spouse is worth more to me than indulging this fleeting physical attraction to this stranger".

The problem is that a) I don't think you should 'look' when you are with your partner/gf/bf/spouse. That's just a respect thing. And b) I haven't met a man yet who shares the view I stated above. The problem is that I'm not worth more than that. So I'm not doing it again.

Tge gf last night was aware he was doing it and she kept looking over at me. It wasn't very nice. I've been her.

Is it not possible that you were jumping to conclusions? Perhaps they were both wondering why you were staring at them? Perhaps they were wondering if they knew you? Perhaps he was looking at you but in absent-mindedly because he was actually thinking about what his partner was saying?

Red I can tell when a man is looking at me. I wasn't staring either. I was out for a drink with my friend. She might well have been wondering that. He had a wandering eye. They're all the same. It said nothing about me and everything about him.

Well, I don't think that there is enough evidence to convince me that "they're all the same" and the only reason you think they were staring at you is because you could see them looking at you, i.e. you were looking at them!
They may well have been wondering why you were staring at them.

"gf last night was aware he was doing it and she kept looking over at me."

He probably said to his girlfriend, "That woman keeps looking at me, I don't think I know her, do you know her?" and then the girlfriend looks round at you to check if she knows you.

Sometimes I've caught people staring and it makes you wonder whether you know them and then you're kind of waiting for them to say hello.

Well I wasn't staring... I was there, I know what it looked like. It might not have been, but that's what it looked like.

But having been the woman sitting there whilst her bf is looking at every vaguely attractive woman under 45, I know what it looks like.

It doesn't really matter anyway. The OP was asking about what happens when you give up on love. I was just saying that I have and cited the reason as my experience that they are always on the look out for something else. Just in case.

I can't compete with every other woman, so I'm taking myself out of it altogether.

I gave up on love and met my life partner six months later... we have two children now and are getting married next year.

I always thought that 'it happens when you are not looking for it' cliche was a crock, but it turned true for me

It's true that sometimes people find love when they are not looking for it; people also sometimes find love when they are looking for it and some people just don't find love.

I don't know what happens, is the honest answer. It's very hard as I had a thread the other day about friends not wanting to do things at the weekend as it is 'family time' and at least now my children are young and are company of sorts. I have an uncomfortable feeling I'll be lonely as they grow.

OP I think it depends what you mean by "giving up on love".

If you mean taking the attitude that you're never going to find anyone and that its a sign of your inherent inadequacy and wallow in self-loathing and self-pity you probably won't meet anyone. (I'm not suggesting that's what you're doing, btw, but I've observed this attitude in quite a lot of people who have been on their own for a while.) People who project that vibe see confirmation of it in any interaction they have and its a massive turn-off to anyone they do meet.

If, on the other hand, you mean detaching from the never ending "search" for love which we as women are constantly brainwashed into having to do, making peace with yourself as you are, single but free, and fill your life with other forms of fulfilment then a) you will start to enjoy life regardless of whether you have a partner or not and b) you will project a far more confident feeling and the odds are you will attract someone who is right for you.

I certainly think that giving up on the idea that you need the validation of person to make you "whole" is liberating and I think everyone who is single or in an inadequate relationship should do it...