Haunted by uncertainty

[BagpussDearBagpuss]

I feel so stupid for writing this now as I should have tackled the issue at the time it occurred but I was too scared to do so.

About four years ago my partner of eight years now started coming home late from work every night. I'd commented on this many times before he eventually told me that it was because he was staying behind to give a new work colleague a lift home. Needless to say that this colleague was female. When I asked why he'd not told me before he said it was because I was always too busy! This was the same woman that he'd talked about almost constantly since she started telling me what a great laugh she was and that her boyfriend didn't deserve her! After several weeks of none stop raving about her he suddenly stopped mentioning her at all then stopped bringing his works phone home telling me that it made more sense to leave it there .

When I questioned him about all of this he told me that I was paranoid and that was why he hadn't told me about the lifts sooner! When I look back on this now I wish to God that I'd have left there and then but, at the time, we were having our dream house built out in the country and my DD was so excited about this and I knew that if I left me and DD would be back to finding somewhere to live. Pathetic I know!

Over the preceding years I've kind of pushed it to the back of my mind. This woman got married (to one of his work colleagues!) and went to work elsewhere. I think that he still speaks to her on the phone sometimes. My problem is that I never really had it out with him. About a year ago I got really drunk and told him outright that I thought he'd had an affair with this woman and he insists that they were just friends and that I've got a paranoia issue.

My issue is that it's eating away at me and is lurking at the back of my mind all of the time. I want to have it out with him properly (and soberly) but I feel I've left it too late and should either just leave or put up with the doubt.

Any thoughts?

There's no such thing as too late. If you are concerned about it, then you should talk to him.

You never got to the bottom of what happened, so you've never had closure.

Don't let any amount of him telling you you're being paranoid put you off.

If he didn't have actually have an affair he came very close to it and you have the right to know how close that was.

His behaviour forfeit your trust and it's for him to earn it back.

Thank-you for replying. You're right it is the lack of closure that is the issue. There were so many red flags indicating an affair but I was too scared to confront him as I knew it would be the end of my 'Happy ever after ' dream if he admitted it so I chose to ignore it.

I need to pluck up the courage to have it out with him and face the consequences. I just know that he'll accuse me of being paranoid again and probably ask why I'm still going on about it.

Thanks again.

OP, don't blame yourself for being a trusting person, but do blame your DP for brushing away your concerns with ridiculous accusations of paranoia.

It may not be too late if you want to get to the bottom of what happened/is happening, the trail has not necessarily gone cold but you must be your own detective.

Do not discuss it any further with DP or try to get closure until you are well prepared. You will get plenty of good advice here on how to do that and cope with the consequences from people who have been there themselves.

It sounds as if he was infatuated with his colleague, but this doesn't mean she returned his feelings in any way.

Assuming you're not married to your dp, is he the father of your dd and is your name on the deeds of your 'dream home'?

It is a shame that this is still an issue years later OP but I am not surprised. I think many people would be tempted to do what you did and bury their head in the sand to avoid splitting up the family and losing the house you were building. I hope that you can get to the bottom of this to find some closure, unfortunately in my experience when I have been told I am paranoid I really was not.
Does he get all wound up if you ask about her?

No he isn't my dd's dad and I'm not on the deeds as it's his parents house. They let us plan it and live in it and it will be left to my dp.

When I've tried to bring her up with him in the past he usually rolls his eyes as if to say "not this again" so I feel like I've never really said my piece. I tend to just shut up about it and feel bad that I'm having a go at him.

There's also a part of me that is afraid to find out the truth because if my gut instinct is right I will leave him and it will change mine and my daughters life completely.

You have no security in this relationship. Being in a situation where he could tell you to leave tomorrow and you'd have no right to stay must be deeply unsettling for you.

You've invested your own and your dd's welfare and wellbeing in this man. Apart from providing a roof over your head courtesy of his dps, what has he brought to the table?

That's a good question goddess. All I wanted with this relationship was to provide a stable, normal (whatever that is!) home life for my dd.

I never expected to be a single parent, as I'm sure no one does, and this relationship was my attempt at normality for me and my dd. If I leave I shatter all of that for her.

I've just realised that I'm writing all of this as if he is guilty of cheating on me and he may not be. But I guess I lost trust in him with the way he behaved with this woman and, even if nothing physical happened, he was certainly smitten with her which shows a lack of respect for me.

As you say Freda I need to prepare myself first before I confront him as I need to be prepared for the consequences.

Thank-you all for your words of wisdom as they've been a great help xxx

I don't think you're going to get to the truth, all these years later. You could perhaps have snooped at the time. But it's too late now. He won't tell you anything, no way. So, I think you have to just move on with your life tbh.