Please help me to calm down, so annoyed with 'D'F

[VulvaVoom]

There is a long back story to this but in brief DF is my step dad but he has been around since I was 4.

He was married to DM for 24 years and then had an emotional/physical affair (he says it was former, everyone else thinks latter)

He's now married to this woman who has been very vindictive even though she was the OW, so me and DF have a tricky relationship.

DM has cancer and was admitted to hospital on Weds. I told him as he was going to pop round with a birthday present and he didn't ask how she was, for all he knew she could have been in intensive care!

Taken on its own, I think it would seem like I'm being oversensitive but he hasn't asked how she is ONCE since she was diagnosed 6 months ago.

I feel disappointed and really angry now and I think most of it is to do with his now wife as she seems possessive. It's like he worries she could read his texts.

I guess he could just not give a shit but I'm annoyed he hasn't once enquired about her or even asked how I'm doing.

I feel so angry and have nowhere for it to go.

As an aside, the present he brought round was for DD. He asked me what to get her and I told him a specific frozen outfit and told him he could get it in 2 diff (local) supermarkets. He's turned up with something else. That sound's very precious I know and I feel bad but if he couldn't get it, he could have said and I would have done.

Even when I mentioned mum today, he said something like 'yes it was like that when I was in hospital' which was 15 years ago. I need to let go if the anger, how do I do it? I feel so grumpy and don't want to take it out on DH

Try to flip it in your mind maybe?

I would never enquire about my ex-h if he got sick as we're divorced and I don't like him

Maybe it's the same for your step father?

I think he should definitely ask you how she is! If my ExH had cancer, I would ask my children how he was, because that would be a huge thing going on in their lives, that would be affecting them on a daily basis!

And actually, having been married to their Dad for 20 years, means that I would actually give a flying shit if he was dying!

He either doesn't care, in which case he is very heartless. Or he is worried to mention your Mum (in texts or otherwise) for fear of repercussions from his W. If it's the latter, she should grow a pair and not stand for such nonsense!

But she's quite nice Jeff. He may not think so but he has no foundation for that. He's the one who lied and had an OW.

Even if he doesn't like her, to not even check how his children are coping (I have a younger brother who is his) is just odd and best and self absorbed and uncaring at worst.

Ilive, I agree and I can't understand why he doesn't appear to give a toss. I'm very sad about that. He never asks about anyone else mind you, likes the sound of his own voice, always has.

That's awful op. My parents don't like each other but when my dad was having health problems my mum still asked how he was. They were married a similar amount of time. They both ask how the other is because they have children together.

I hope your mum is as ok as she can be

Oh and if it is the ow not wanting him to ask abour her he needs to grow a pair!

Thanks Fratelli. I fear it is OW doing but then I'm blaming her because she's a bitch when I don't 100% know.

If it's him just being heartless then I have even less respect for him

I would just tell him how you feel. Better out than in. x

I am a child of divorced parents. I'm 24 now, they divorced when I was 3 after being married 15 years and together for 20 years.
Without fail, everytime I come home from seeing my father my mother will ask after him. They're both happily remarried and have been for some years and at the time it was quite a turbulent divorce. I think it's just good manners!

Agree feed. I can't believe he can be so I sensitive. ILive, I do want so say something but I feel like I can't deal with the fall out at the moment.

I also feel bad about what I said about DDs present. So ungrateful and entitled mumsnet favourite but I'm pissed off and think I focused on that as well because I feel like he doesn't care about DD, it's like he pretends.

Insensitive

It would only take a quick conversation:

Dad, I am quite upset with your lack of loving attention for DD, DB, me and mum. To be honest I feel as though we are all a bot of a chore for you. Do us all a huge favour and be really honest... if you can't be bothered then simply do not bother. Then we can all get on with our own lives.

You don't have to have him in your life. It is daft to blame his wife all the time. And if they both decide you are a total bitch, let them. You won't be losing much, will you?

I have ignored my parents a lot, am very low contact, after having been the afterthought for many years. Last year my DSis and I spoke properly for the first time in decades. It seems we had been successfully divided and conquered. It won't happen again! Sometimes you just have to open your eyes and realise just how poorly some people treat you.

I actually wouldn't expect him to spend much time focusing on her, if I'm honest, but then my parents never mention each other to me, which I prefer.

What I do think is that he should be caring to you, and ask about it because it is a major deal in your life. It does sound like he is not very good at any practical or verbal demonstration of love, which does leave me wondering what other kinds there are.

Feel free to let the anger, and the grief, out at him tbh.

Tell him how you feel but be prepared for excuses and insincerity. In the long run, if you want to continue a relationship with this man, you will need to accept him for who he is and it doesn't sound like he's someone who gives a shit about your mother's emotional or physical wellbeing. The woman he married could be a complete bitch but don't scapegoat her for his shortcomings.

It would be very sensible to not go looking for support where it's not available.

I think you're all right, thank you. I either have put up or shut up. There's very little point me wasting my energy I guess.

It's sad when someone you think you know let's you down though.