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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I help DH ??? He says he doesn't like being with his dcs.

17 replies

Amaretto · 05/12/2006 12:52

I have a wonderfull DH, hands on dad who is telling me he doesn't like to be with his dcs
Don't really know what else to say except that he is completely involved with them, puts them in bed, bath, stories, take them to the park (with me but still), will not think twice about going to give a hand to do the cooking, tying up, etc... instead of watching TV. The dcs love him, actually dc2 just wants daddy at the moment (mummy is obvioulsy not good enough when he is around).
But still he was saying yesterday that he doesn't enjoy being with them. I would guess he is finding it hard because since dc1 birth we have stopped doing what we liked to do together before (wild camping, hill walking, caving...) as this is not suitble for young children (dc1 over 3yo, dc2 about 18 months old). We also don't have any GP around to take over on a regular basis so we have had about 3 nights out together every year and that's about it.
How can I help him enjoying himself when he is with them? He is playing with them, makes them laughs but doesn't seem to find that enjoyable
I would love being able to have a day out with him (and wo the dcs) too but impossible because we don't have someone to look after them.
I think it is starting to have some effect on how he relates to them as the 'telling of' mode seems to be prevalent now when he is with them. I would really like to be able to do something to cheer him up as I think he is starting to get depressed over it but I can't see what..... HELP!

OP posts:

MerryChristmasfromQV · 05/12/2006 12:54

Sounds very conflicting.

Sure there arent other issues afoot here?

nearlythree · 05/12/2006 13:00

Could it be that depression is that cause of his feelings, rather than the dcs causing the depression?

nearlythree · 05/12/2006 13:00

Most nanny agencies also do babysitting.

LIZS · 05/12/2006 13:06

Do your dc's go to a nursery where one of the staff might babysit at a weekend for you ? I remember that age group as being pretty restrictive as far as mutually satisfying family activities were concerned but it does get easier. By the time your youngest is 3 or 4 and you are generally less encumbered by baby paraphenalia and can more spontaneously go off for a day somewhere, even if just a local nature trail or forest walk.

In the meantime would he find it easier to take one out at a time , say swimming or to the park, while you occupy the other.

Bugsy2 · 05/12/2006 13:14

You are very nice & kind to be so concerned about how your DH relates to his children. I often don't find being with my children very enjoyable - but I sort of think, well tough luck for me.
A day out for the two of you sounds like a very good idea, although I don't think it will solve the issues your DH has. You can easily find a nanny or aupair who'll do a Saturday for you for cash. Ask at nursery, another mum or one of the nursery workers themselves might even do it for you.

mumblechum · 05/12/2006 13:15

OK, your marriage is the most important thing here. If you and your dh have time together without the kids, it'll strengthen your relationship, you'll stay together and your kids will be happy.

He'll also feel happier in himself and enjoy them more.

Book them into a nursery one day a week and go out together somewhere.

If the GPs live a long way away, take the kids to them for a weekend and you and dh go off by yourselves in their area.

I think it's absolutely crucial to still do stuff as a couple and it's good for the kids in the long run.

poppynic · 05/12/2006 13:18

My dp never wanted children - partly because he knew that that would mean a lot of involvement from him, and like your dh he has been very involved. We had one accidentally (well he got slack and I got lucky!) and it is really only now that ds is 4 that he admits he enjoys him. In fact I discovered in an email he wrote to someone else that the second (forthcoming) baby will cut down his social life but he is happy to complete the family!!!

I could tell before that he did enjoy ds but he didn't seem able to admit it to himself or anyone else and would readily put his hand up to preferring not to have had a child. If your dh likes outdoor pursuits (as mine does) then your chldren are still very young for him to enjoy them on his ground but it won't be long.

To tell you the truth, even though I was desperate to have a child, and love him more than anything else, I find entertaining him often more of a chore than personally fun. It doesn't mean I don't love him to bits.

We too had no GPs around and very little "us" time. I think that's the best thing you can do - try and arrange some more time just for the two of you. And my dp always cheers up with more sex!

I think it also helped my dp to go out with his mates either drinking or biking etc. - helped him to feel a little less "trapped".

StNicholas · 05/12/2006 13:24

As a SAHM, also no babysitter/family nearby, I completely understand where your DH is coming from. Sounds to me like your DH loves your children (and this is the key thing) but is BORED with being with them and having little contact with people of his own age or time for his own interests. Is this so surprising?

Sounds to me like he needs a break, a day out on his own/with friends doing something he enjoys. Organise something for a Christmas present! Also get a babysitter, 2 hours out at the local pub on a regular basis could be enough...

Original poster

Amaretto · 05/12/2006 13:48

Didn't except so many answers so quickly! Thanks you all.

I agree that there must be something else bothering him but he won't say what it is...
I think you are right poppynic. He is feeling trapped even though I have always said he could go out with his friends (walking etc..) but hasn't seem to get his act together recently on that front. Left it too late or felt guilty because he is also travelling a lot for work so meant we would hardly have seen him for 2 weeks (Well I probably have contributed to that one as at some point, I felt he was the only adult I was talking to all week. So was quite protective of that time together as a family).
I also like the idea of leaving the children at nursery and go out for the day.
Re the week end, unfortunatly, the girls at nursery are not allowed to do any babysitting (by contract) so no chance there for a saturday babysitter. and the PIL are farmers so no break for them during the week end and no help for us .
I might revive our calendar so that we can plan our week ends better and that DH actually has some 'time off' even if this is wo me. It just feels a shame that DH isn't able to 'make do' with a trip to a forest walk or one of the big NT gardens we have around at least until they are able to follow us on some longer walks. I did love going hill walking too but I have learnt to enjoy these outings (even if not as much). DH hasn't
I also have found that he doesn't want to get out of his 'confort zone' ie he doesn't want to try somewhere different (It won't work, won't be enjoyable etc...) but then is getting bored to always go to the same places .... Arrrrrg

OP posts:

Original poster

Amaretto · 05/12/2006 13:55

StNicholas, you made me think.
I think the word bored is probably the right one here. But how can we make it less boring when he is already going out with his friends (I mean going walking for the whole day wo the dc - and myself) once or twice a month?

OP posts:

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 05/12/2006 14:45

Amaretto you could try one of the babysitting agencies for an evening, I think sitters advertises a discount on here. I know some people have concerns about leaving their children with strangers but the baby sitters are thoroughly vetted and if you find one you like I think you can request them on a repeat basis.

I really think it would do you and your DH good to go out a bit more for an evening, also the nursery idea is great too.

Tortington · 05/12/2006 14:47

doesn't he have his own social life?

why can't you take turns in going out? being seperate - regaining your sense of self?

Original poster

Amaretto · 05/12/2006 15:36

custardo, he has his own social life. At least, that's how it looks to me. But it gives me the impression that it is not as much social life he would like to have.... Yes it si reduced compared to before the dcs, but that's you would expect no?

Reading again all your posts, I think the problem is not that he doesn't love the dcs (and I was probably in some ways worried about it). The idea that he is bored is spot on along side finding all the baby/toddler stuff like changing nappies, tantrums very hard work.

I have also realized that the fact that he doesn't like the time he is spending with the dcs now is perhaps not such a big issue as we all have times when looking after 2 pre schoolers feels too much. Or is it?
If I was a mum saying that I don't enjoy being with my dcs, lots of people would come back saying that I should use positive parenting, look at the good sides, find things that I like doing with them etc... Does it apply also to dads? Or should I just say 'They will grow up eventually, will be able to do things that we all enjoy and everything will be fine'.

Re the social life, I will have a chat with him to see how often he feels he needs to go out with his friends (have a social life/ go hill walking/ get out of the house wo the dcs) and take it from there. Obviously, even if he is going out, it's not sufficent for him to be happy.
I will also see if I can organize an evening out together. Just feels that everything is resting on my shoulders and I wouldn't mind a bit of help tbh.

OP posts:

octobermum · 05/12/2006 17:05

Amaretto

Just a thought can you not get two of those backpack thingy's the ones with the metal frame which go on your back, so you can take your dc out walking with you, i know this may not be ideal but at least you could both go hill walking at weekends.

i can't do links but kiddicare have some that go upto 4years for about £80.00

cholas · 05/12/2006 21:11

Amaretto, you know you are not responsible for your DHs happiness.. it seems you are doing everything you can to help and have been more than generous towards him. Remember you should also have your own time to yourself.

LIke earlier posters, I´m starting to think that your DH has other issues. You need time together to talk.

LIZS · 05/12/2006 21:12

Perhaps for the timebeing he is better not trying to replicate his cherished adult activities, which would be likely to be doomed to failure and dissatisfaction, but instead to find a alternative way of sharing the outdoor fun with the kids - may be using a bike trailer or kiddie seat, 3 wheeler pushchair or backpack and finding destinations at which they may be entertained as a reward.

Original poster

Amaretto · 06/12/2006 08:02

Thanks you all for your suggestions. It has helped me to clarify a lot of things including the fact that he loves our dcs even he doesn't like to be with them and that what he means is actually that he doesn't like to always be with them.

We have been doing some of your suggestions in the past like using a backpack carrier and going on easier walks with a pushchair. We also had an agreement that he was to do his own things every other week end but that doesn't seem to have happened recently. That was in return of a day off for me on a similar (ish) basis (and he did look after the dcs during that time)

I had a chat with him yesterday and I am not sure that I have fully understood what he is finding difficult atm. However, I have repeated that I was OK with our previous arrangemnt for the week end. I suppose it's up to him to organize himself now.
I suppose too that the reason why I don't realy understand what is the problem is that I am finding looking after them easy now. dc1 is over 3 and has gone out of the tantrum period, dc2 hasn't enter that period yet. They are able to both play on their own for a long time so I can actually get on doing things (or going on MN ). For me it feels like a bit of paradise!

Anyway, thanks you to have listen to me. That was great.

OP posts:

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