I'm looking for advice for my friend. I've name changed in case someone recognises me, but my friend has asked me for advice and she won't mind me posting here if it can help her.
Summary on her relationship with ex: They were married for 2 yrs, but he was controlling and emotionally abusive so they split before their ds's first birthday. He often tries to manipulate situations where he ensures my friends plans for when she doesn't have son, don't work out. The boy is six. 3 years ago they had a disagreement about how ex-h would often change plans - she finally spoke up and said she wasn't pleased. He then didn't see the boy for a year! This was his choice, but of course, he blamed it on her. He also has an older son from another relationship. My friend remembers him 'being hard on him' and the boy have no contact with him for years because he no longer wanted to be bullied by him.
So things have ticked along not too badly the past two years, with the ex being nice to her one week, then not talking to her for weeks on end for no particular reason. I guess you could say he is moody. She's doesn't rise to it now, doesn't talk about him to the boy and tries to shield him from any unpleasantness.
Now to recently. The little boy has been saying to mum he doesn't like Mondays (ex gets him for 4 hrs) and Fridays (he gets him every second weekend). He's said dad is bossy and grumpy. She felt she couldn't act on it because ex would say she's made it up. However yesterday he told his gran the same and said he doesn't want his dad to pick him up, does he have to go? My own ds (his friend) told me out of the blue last night that the boy said he wants a new dad. His dad is bossy and he hates going. he also shouted at my ds, mimicking his dad. he wasn't upset telling my ds. I told my friend this.
She's isn't sure how to handle it. Her initial reaction is to just not to send him tonight. Going on past record, if she spoke to ex about how the boy is feeling, he could fly off the handle and refuse to see him again. Or he could take him and manipulate a way of the boy being afraid to tell anyone how he's feeling. My friend has agreed that she won't mention my ds knowing, as it's good he has a friend he talks to and she doesn't want ex to put him off. I suppose you could say the ex is well-meaning. He thinks that bossing and controlling is encouraging the boy to do better. Little boy is not competitive in any way. I just remember the hellish life my friend had with him and we don't want the boy to hurt in any way.
I was struggling for advice to give her. I suggested she send him this weekend without speaking to the ex in case he gives the boy a harder time. Find a support group for advice at the weekend, get a childs book all about emotional abuse and boundaries. But then again I've also said he's old enough now to decide for himself, tell him he doesn't need to go. I'm clueless!
Oh jeez I don't half ramble on. So anyone with knowledge of this have any advice, books for children, how to deal with the ex? A way forward? This guy isn't for changing, I think that's a given.