I don't know what to do.

[SmogAndSunshine]

I usually post under a different name, but decided to change incase I am recognisable by any chance.

My husband of 15 years just up and left us last week, two kids (11,12) the reason being it's just too stressful for him, he has never mentioned stress before, I reckon it's just an excuse.
I suggested a break, but he just wants out.

Apart from being emotionally and physically shattered, I have been awake most of the week worrying about money, debts, etc.
I have tried to phone/text him about it but he is evasive, doesn't reply and shrugs it off with an 'I'll sort it' I don't even know where he is living.

I haven't worked for years due to either him supporting us, illness, caring for the children and so on, so I don't even know where to start with the job centre.

We have council tax debts with a collection agency in his name, old rent arrears in his name, we claimed housing benefit at the minute, also in his name I think, and child tax credits are joint name.

I have suffered anxiety for a long time, not diagnosed by a gp, I'm too scared incase social services get involved.
he used to deal with the finances, I dealt with the day to day care of kids/house but even that's a complete mess.

I have no friends, and no supportive family. No money. I have no job skills. I can't even drive. I am useless.
I don't know what to do. Please help.

I'm not even sure if I have posted this in the correct topic.

OP I really feel for you....report this post and ask it to be moved to relationships. They're really brilliantly lovely over there and can offer you all the advice you need.

In the meantime I'll just offer you some immediate advice.

Is your house your own or is it a rental?

Whose on the tenancy?

Do you have a joint bank account?

Will report my post thanks for replying to me

The house is rented from the council, I think it's joint tenancy, but all letters come in his name, I'm not sure, I can't find the tenancy agreement.

We have separate bank accounts.

Hi there,

We're going to move this thread over to our Relationships topic now - we're sure you'll get plenty more advice and support there.

for you, Smog.

Thanks. I hope some one can come along and give me some advice on where to start.

Don't worry about the debts that are solely in his name.

You do need to talk to the council and to benefits. They're there to help you, just tell them your situation. Also your husband is obliged to support the children financially and you can chase him through the csm if he won't do the right thing off his own bat.

There's no reason the ss will get involved at the moment. You're capable of caring for your dc. You're not useless.

You have a steep learning curve ahead and I'm so sorry he's done this. You might want to see your gp and get support there.

Your not useless and you can survive with out him.

You need to sort out what you are entitled too, housing benefit ( will need to be be reassessed and put into your name ), is the house/tenancy in his name or joint? You can get child tax credits put into your name ( it's quite easy, just give tax credits a call, they are always very helpful and understanding ), I had to go to the job centre to claim income support but I don't think you will be entitled to this unless you are signed off sick or someone in your household is registered disabled. You could also visit CAB for advice.

It's very scary to begin with but once everything is sorted out its pretty easy. I split with my dh 6 months ago and things are pretty settled now and I am proud of myself for being able to survive without a man .

And don't worry about as, I suffer from anxiety, almost had a breakdown 2 weeks after splitting ( had to go to out of hours as I was close to self harming ) and so have never contacted me. Don't be scared of going to the go if you need too, mine was very understanding.

yes make sure you tell the council you are there alone now, and get council tax informed you are alone too.

If he won't give a forwarding address then can you give his work address? And what about maintenance, you may need to organise a claim for that too?

Do you think he has met someone else?

And if you do see your GP that does not mean SS will get involved. You need support not judgement, and that is all out there for you if you ask for it.

I'd start by contacting the Council saying he moved out and how to proceed with this.

Do contact CAB for further advice on how to get benefits and general support.
Report your change in situation to the tax credits people.

Do get help for your anxiety. Start with your GP and, if possible, ask for one with an interest in mental health.

Certainly tell him to start contributing towards the children by X time or you will pursue through the maintenance agency.

Assume the worst (my guess would be that he has moved in with someone else)

Hi Smog, know it must all seem really daunting atm but let's get the practical stuff sorted out first and then at least you won't have finances etc to worry about on top of everything else. Benefits wise you would be entitled to Jobseekers Allowance but I suspect with what you're going through just now and your existing anxiety looking for a job might be a bit much for the time being so you need to see your GP, explain you were already suffering with anxiety and what's happened with your husband and that you now need to claim benefits but don't feel you're up to working at the moment. Your GP should give you a sick note and some medication to help you cope, it doesn't have to be long term but might just make things a bit more manageable for now. Once you have your note go online and fill in a claim for ESA, again it doesn't have to be long term but you need some money coming in while you're getting everything else sorted, that's number one priority atm. Once you've done that contact your landlord or council if you're a council tenant, explain that H has moved out and that you don't know where he's living but will supply them with his new address if and when you get it, that should sort the rent arrears for now. Ask if they can send you a claim form for housing benefit and council tax reduction based on the fact you will be claiming ESA. Also ring council tax regarding the arrears and tell them he has moved out, assuming the rent and council tax are in his name (if that's who letters come addressed to) you won't be liable for the debts and if it's in both names they're usually pretty amenable to accepting a small amount weekly to pay them off so don't worry. Also ring tax credits and report your change in circumstances. I know it seems a lot to contend with but its really important you do these things so you don't end up in more of a mess, feel free to message me if you need help with any of the forms. I'm really sorry this is happening to you Smog, get yourself to your GP asap, you really will feel better if you can manage to take control of the practical stuff. We're here for hand holding and any advice you need

Thanks for everyone's advice,

If he would just reply to my texts about meeting up to sort through the debts and paperwork, I wouldn't be feeling so scared about things. He says there is no one else, but I'm not so sure, a few things made me doubt these last few weeks.

I will go to CAB on Monday morning, get some advice there. I didn't even think of that.
Is there anything else I haven't thought of financially? that's my biggest worry.

Council benefit
Job seekers
Child tax credit / benefit
Child maintenance

Can't believe I relied on him for so much, and that him leaving has left me clueless about everything.

Cross-post with Fern. Just reading your finance advice now

Thanks everyone everyone's being so nice, will make a GP appointment on Monday hopefully, that will put me on the road to recovery.
I just feel so alone.

I know we're only on the other end of a screen but you're not alone, this community is incredibly supportive, lean on us

Check the 'what I'm entitled to' website.
Also check out what maintenance payments you should be receiving from him HERE
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
Has he been in contact at all regarding access to his kids?
You've had good advice - CAB etc....
for you.

I had to get sleeping pills in the end to get my body into some kind of routine. The GP can certainly help you with that.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh but you cant rely on his help with sorting the finances out, he has effectively left the lot behind and potentially has no intention of helping you sort it out. All you can do is inform everyone necessary of your new circumstances and let them guide you through what you need to do, they will have seen this situation a million times before and will know what needs to be done so don't feel it's all on you. It feel overwhelming to begin with but most of it can be done with a simple phone call or filling in a form and once it's done it's done iyswim. Just tackle one thing at a time and try not to think about the rest till that one thing is done so you're breaking it down into manageable chunks rather than looking at the big picture. You can do this

And yy check out what maintenance you're entitled to from him and pass on any contact details you have (work address if you have nothing else) to CMS.

I would advise not contacting him any more too - it will only hurt you. Tell the debtors you don't know where he is and let them take up the problem. It is no longer yours. Sorry if that is harsh, but now you must protect and take care of yourself above anyone else x

My first thought when I read your OP in OW - sorry. And him buggering off like this, is nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. His behaviour towards you is utterly despicable. And call Child Maintenance asap - they don't backdate so do it v soon. Does he work btw?

How are your children?
Do they know he left?
Has he talked to them?

He works, part time atm, and our initial housing benefit claim didn't come through properly at first, that's why we got into debt with the rent and council tax. There another debt, joint name. I don't have a clue where any paperwork is, spent all week turning the house upside down with fret.

They kids seem surprisingly fine, they know he has left for good now and won't be back living with us, he has sent them an email saying he's going to see them and speak to them soon, he won't reply to mine. I've stopped contacting him for now.
His stress was to do with my nagging on and on at him apparently. I don't think I ever nagged, maybe had to keep reminding him over and over about things he had forgotten about is constituted as nagging..?

Anyway,
Made an appointment at the GP for my anxiety its in Nov, but that's one thing off my check list, still worried about being judged and reported to SS, but that's probably be just being anxious!

Going to CAB Monday morning for some advise.

I feel a lot less stressed and upset after posting here, thank you so much as I said, I have no IRL support and I feel I'm rambling, but you have all gave me a clearer outlook on things moving forward

I think I would have struggled without being able to talk on here. I suffer from anxiety, when I was with dh it was quite bad, after I got through the first month after the split my anxiety almost vanished, I now feel much stronger knowing that I can cope without him, my kids are happy ( I have managed to keep them alive ) , I am in control of money and in control of my life. Things will get better for you too, the first month or so is hard but you will get everything sorted and begin to feel better.