We are making a real mess of this

[RachaelPapers]

I'm in such a mess here, please can someone tell me what they would do.

I've come through three relationships in the last couple of years where the man was an absolute nightmare. First one was cheating, second one was a potential sociopath or at very least a narcissist, third one was emotionally unavailable. In all three cases I did my usual thing of giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, trying to work through it and all I got for my trouble was a load of stress and heartache.

I did a heap of reading on baggage reclaim and mumsnet and red all the self help books and decided to smarten up and make bettr decisions to weed out the arseholes much better.

Met someone new and he was coming off the bat of a similar history of being hurt and mistreated, but he seemed really fine and healed and positive and we were friends a few months first which helped me get some trust for him in place.

We started dating and it was pretty obvious the first few dates we were getting on like a house on fire and I was thinking that this was completely diferrent to the others (or anyone else actually) and it felt great. I felt relaxed like I could be myself and not confused or up and down and we just get on SO well and laugh and smile all the time and have fun. Hes a fantastic person, really lovely with such a kind nature.

Then he started pulling away a bit! Here and there, just little things that set me on edge and I started to panic a bit.

My reaction to being hurt so badly is to need a fair bit of consistency and reassurance...I really panic when people blow cold or act in contradictory or unexpected ways and I start to get all my walls up and then dump them to spare myself. I am also working off all the rules of what to expect and all the mantras about men and so his behavior is often interpreted completely wrong by me.

We have talked about this and he has explained that he really likes me, is actually falling in love, but that this is also quite scary for him - so he admits he pulls back and shuts down because he's worried if he let's himself go with it that I will hurt him.

We are both as bad as each other, and we re now trapped in a cycle of craziness which I really want to break. I have dumped him four times in a panic, and each time he has eventually come back to me and THEN we have talked about it and he's explained I have misread and we have gotten back together. We really like each other, we are both really good people, but our walls and barriers are ruinng what could be a wonderful thing.

Normally I would just walk away, but being honest, I am probably already in love with this fantstic man and I just wish he would put his walls down and let me in and trust me without the push and pull that makes me feel so panicked that I run the other direction.

We are not volatile...we don't fight and even when we are splitting or not tlaking we both care about the other one and miss each other but I don't know what to do.

Do I need to find the emotional strength to just listen to him when he tells me he wants to be with me and accept those times that he goes quiet or seems cold and be patient with him? Or should I walk away if he is not prepared to be consistent and communicate better?

My gut tells me we are right together, he is so special and so kind and smart and when we are together it feels like everything is as it should be. But the demons in my head have me bolting at the slightest worry.

Having just come out of a relationship where we were both quite similar to you two (but with a few added issues - but basically walls galore), I'm not sure I would cope or want to try.

Breaking down those walls in a way that would work for you both could be tough - if you're both prepared to work at it & are emotionally intelligent enough, you could get there. It's a risk that you have to weigh up.

Personally, I wouldn't - this comes from someone who always sees the best in people & tries to believe in them. I intend to have firm boundaries in place next time, which may mean I'm too harsh - I just don't want to go through what I've been through again.

Easy for me to say now though - not sure I'd implement it well if I really liked someone a lot?

Hope you find a solution that suits you...

I know I am prepared to work at it and am emotionally intelligent (I see it happenned pretty clearly!)

I think I just came into this with my boundaries sooooo firm that they made no allowances that the other person might also have insecurities and need a gentle hand to lead him. I am pretty strong, and would liek to do that / be that or even to just start by telling him what I have been through (not done that in much detail at all understandably) and explaining why I panic react the way I do; and maybe letting him know how much I like him and feelfor him (have not done that either).

I was toying with perhaps going to him and telling him the truth - which is that he's the first man in 11 years I have introduced to my friends, the first one I have told my family about in 2 years and that I like him ever so much and feel like I am falling for him and I am just so scared he's going to hurt me or turn out to be something bad.

To do that would take a heck of a lot from me, but maybe worth it.

Reading your OP I was left wondering if he really is that fantastic or mostly an image you have constructed.
Is the pull and push really due to his insecurities or does he enjoy the game of breaking up and getting back together?

It is possible that you do like him, and you want to believe the best in him, but do you really want to embark on a journey of trying to fix him? As well as you?
Why shouldn't you let go and stick only to a man who makes you feel safe and wanted?

Oh no definitely not he hates he game of breaking up. He's a normal nie guy and no honestly...the last thing I want to do is fix anyone. I just like him genuinely.

But the last sentence is the exact reason I keep doing the dumping.

God it sounds exhausting. This bit is supposed to be fun and easy. What are these metaphorical walls? If you like someone you want to spend time with them.

I would give up he sounds like he likes you but you're probably not the one in his mind so he's keeping it on the back burner.

Actions count if he goes cool at this stage imagine how it will be after 10 years?

If you've dumped him four times already, then in all honesty, no matter the reason, it's unlikely this relationship will have longevity: sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but even splitting up once whilst dating dramatically increases the chances you'll divorce when married (can't remember the stats off hand, but google will know).

Also, if he knows you have issues, and are - sorry to be blunt - a bit needy, then it's not very kind to do the going cool thing, because he knows that that will push your buttons. Once is bad enough, but it sounds as though this happens, you break up, then you talk, then you resolve, then you get back - and it happens again. It doesn't sound very healthy or very positive - are you sure just because he's not an abusive arse in the conventional sense that you haven't fallen for what you want him to be, rather than what he is?

It's not working. He's better than the others so you've made loads of progress but he's being unavailable too, like the last guy.

You can't make this work, I don't think, however emotionally intelligent you are. He may be a fantastic man in many ways but totally unable to do anything other than put you through this painful process time and again.

Your urge to end the relationship isn't a 'panic', it's your instincts telling you he will hurt you and you need to get out. Him going cold and becoming detached is a very clear sign that he is not right for you. It's what hurts you most and he's done it multiple times.

Sorry but I think it sounds best to move on.