The love has dissapered again from the relationship

[Mrsbattleaxe]

Sorry this is so long just having a massive vent.

Been together 13 years 10 years married 9 yr old child.

Up and down relationship over the years. First 2 years were tough as he worked away with his job and it was long distance for those two years, when he moved it properly it was hard to adjust as he didn't have a job (quit to be closer) but we worked through it and he got a job and started contributing.

Got married, and had a child (unplanned) after I had the DC he did confide in me he never wanted children but never spoke about it beforehand. He is quite a closed book and doesn't talk much about his feelings.

After finding out I was pregnant he started rejecting all affection towards me and started turning to porn. Well not mainstream porn but real soft core stuff filmed off late night tv like babe station free view stuff. We had a dvd recorder and he used to set up it to record and didn't know I knew. He waited until I went out and used to record it onto discs. It became more frequent.

We started drifting further and further away hardly spoke or did anything together when we did he made me miserable went through the motions of sex.

3 years ago he had a very short lived affair of a month. I found out as he was acting so strange and all the signs were there. Just before this happened I had confided in a friend that I felt I wasn't in love with him anymore and couldn't stand the tension between us as it was always there.
When I found out about the OW I flipped out and did the pick me dance when he told me he was unhappy and thought it was time to end it.
He left but shortly came back with no remorse. The remorse came a few months later as he would speak about it. He opened up and told me everything and we started a fresh and things were great we both tried so hard.

After a year he started with the soft core porn and romantic films and I told him how I felt. I wasn't getting anything like that from him yet he was craving it he promised to try harder with me and sex and affection. The affection was short lived but he stopped with the soft core porn.

Over the last few months he has become very distant and spending most of his free time on the pc.
Barely speaks to me face to face but texts me all day when he goes to work.

Yesterday I went to collect DC from school and he was at home as he works early morning and finishes early at 2:30. On my way to school DCs friends mum texted to say she will collect my DC and go for ice cream so I turned back and got home 20 mins earlier than normal and when I got closer to the house I could see he was watching porn not soft core but normal stuff as we have a large TV and he didn't drop the blind.

I really want to talk to him about the issues were having but he never admits we have problems and to him comes across as a character assassination as I do focus on the negatives. Recently we needed a bit more of his own time to relax so I have backed off completely and hardly see him. Stupidly I want to make this work even tho it seems to be coming to a end. If he was deeply unhappy he wouldn't say and would just bury his head in the sand.

I don't know what to do, in a way it would be easier to call it a day but I don't want to. Also our financial situation is quite complicated and wouldn't be that easy just to separate.
How can I approach this with him.. Again.

Venting is all very well but what good does it do you?

What would it actually take for you to call it a day with this individual?. Quite apart from the continuous up and down nature of your relationship, his porn use, the affair, the lack of remorse following said affair, he not really talking to you much if at all now why is it that given all that you have stayed?. What do you get out of this?. By doing that he really does think he can get away with it and he does. You let him get away with it.

What sort of a relationship are you as parents modelling to your child?. What do you think he is learning about relationships here?.

when I got closer to the house I could see he was watching porn not soft core but normal stuff as we have a large TV and he didn't drop the blind.

How on earth did you manage not to knock on the window?! and film the reaction?

Joking aside, from what you've said this man is not emotionally available, and won't do anything about it. He refuses to talk about feelings, he refuses to talk about/to have sex, he has recently become even more distant (another affair?), he says he needs more me time on top of all the me time he already has.

Is this the type of marriage you want to set as an example for your DC?

If physical separation isn't possible due to financial constraints, I would rather houseshare but make it plain that you aren't a couple any more. I could not live with that level of dishonesty about feelings.

Pocket your totaly correct! He is unavailable.
Pisses me off him saying oh I watch that for the romance but we have 0. He's not kissed me in a year possibly more.

I think the house share idea might work. In reality it's no different to how we are now. Minus sex once a week / two weeks.

Sounds awful. This man is happy to plod along with you but it sounds like he's totally checked out of the relationship.

If he's off having affairs it means he does have desire for sex, but perhaps not with you. Don't mean to sound so blunt but it sounds like this man views you more as a friend, hence the affairs and porn addiction. I'd get out now as it's only a matter of time before he has another affair, if he hasn't already!

Jeepers, not even dropping the blind? What if parents see that on the way back from the school run? I do hope he's not pleasuring himself with the blinds up?! You'll get complaints! I would leave, tbh, if you can find a way to split the finances.

He is a waste of space!! Why keep going through this shit?

Jesus, I am all for working at a relationship but you really are flogging a dead horse, this man has zero respect for you, in fact I don't think he even likes you but yet you continue to accept him treating you like a nobody and still you want it to work, I think if you had time apart you would maybe realise that this is not even remotely like a normal healthy relationship and maybe spend that time building up your self esteem and self worth and getting to know you and loving yourself first and foremost.

You might as well walk about in the house with doorman slapped on your forehead, he's done everything possible so far to let you know he's not interested, sorry but I think you really need a wake up call.

I'd bet my life on it it's only a matter of time before he drops another bombshell at your feet, please give yourself permission to get to fuck away from him, he's not in the slightest bit worthy of any companion.