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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is Fabphee

58 replies

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 08:07

I often think about her (Ive name changed since her threads were started) and Im wondering how she's doing.

Does anyone know?

Phee, if you are reading this can you let us know how life is for you and the wee ones.

xxxx

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 23/10/2015 14:14

phee

How are you today?

OpheliaRose · 23/10/2015 14:53

I'm doing ok today. I was quite emotional yesterday because of the amazing support from people here. It really means a lot to me.

I've been having a hard time because although my parents are very supportive I worry that they think I should be getting over it by now and moving on. It's nothing they've said or done just a feeing I get.

Trying to think of activities to do this weekend with the twins. I'm ashamed to admit some times I'm struggling to know what to do with them because the weeks feel very long and the weekends are often non stop so I get very tired

Mama1980 · 23/10/2015 15:15

It's good to hear from you phee. ThanksCake

LucySnow12 · 23/10/2015 15:20

Maybe it's not so much that your parents think you should be 'moving on' but that they want to see you happy. That's what all parents want for their kids and I'm sure they're worried about you.

And don't feel bad about struggling with twins. There are many days when I wake up thinking about when I can put my kids back to bed!

WorzelsCornyBrows · 23/10/2015 17:07

Phee I posted numerous times on your threads under a different name and I'm glad you're still hanging on in there.

Your ex is unbelievable, I think it's so distasteful to get engaged when you're already married, it's further evidence that neither of them understands the sanctity of marriage. That said, they are hell bent on steamrolling everyone into accepting their relationship and you would be wise to block him again and concentrate on you, getting yourself to a place where you can be happy.

You will be forever changed by this experience, but there will be a time when you will be happy. I doubt anyone expects you to be happy now, it's too soon, but have you considered counselling so you can work through the millions of thoughts you must have and find strategies to overcome this?

laughingatweather · 23/10/2015 17:59

Good to hear from you Phee. I stopped following your threads before the accusations and was surprised to hear people suggest you were a troll on a previous 'where is Phee?' thread. I hadn't thought that at all.

I'm sorry you had that experience but even more sorry to read your update about your STBExH. He really is beyond description.

I echo a PP who said you will be happy again even if it seems very far away.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have no advice other than to take one day at a time as you already are and know it will start hurting less at some point.

Best of luck to you.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 23/10/2015 18:30

Hi Ophelia, sorry to read about the developments. Take it one day at a time. Don't feel guilty about enjoying a tv filled weekend. I think parents really feel guilty about occasionally letting the TV "babysit". I remember years ago when my now 21 year old would watch back to back Disney videos, he watched, I slept, as I was always very tired. Don't be forcing yourself to pack the weekends with loads of activities.

The things your Ex does, baffling!?!?!?! Their relationship foundations are based on deceit no matter how much they pretend it isn't. A house built on rubbish foundations eventually comes tumbling down!

KOKO

FellOutOfBedTwice · 23/10/2015 18:39

Hi Phee

Another name changed who was on your original threads. Often think of you too.

Cannot believe he's proposed. What an absolute, weapons grade wanker. Well done for not killing him, the fucking absolute prick.

manandbeast · 23/10/2015 18:55

Hey Phee,
I lurked on your last thread and if I'm honest found it profoundly upsetting.
The very idea that you should be over this by now beggars belief. I'm sure your parents don't feel like that. Your ex says that only to assuage his guilt.

You will get over this, you will get better. Life is long and sometimes painful but believe me, you will heal.

I'm sending you so, so, so much love. As much love as can be sent from one stranger to another via the internets.

And if you're in SE London and ever need a friend, PM me.

ThanksThanksThanks

Phoenix0x0 · 23/10/2015 19:48

phee

I'm sorry to hear that you are finding things tough still. Listen, this has only been what 4 or so months since this all happened maybe more or less?, so please be gentle with yourself!

Have you had or having any counselling/therapy? If not then I cannot recommend CBT enough. I am four sessions into eight and I have seen a difference in myself, I know friends who have had it after a split with a partner and it also helped them. I know that you work, but I know that they offer online courses in this.

In regards to the DT, could you enrol them in swimming lessons on the weekend? This would fill up sometime and also give you a little breathing space. Also, there is nothing wrong with letting them watch a film, potter in the garden or even just play....at three I found my DD would often amuse herself or even if I started her off she would carry on by herself. Maybe, also try having some play dates?

Flowers
WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 23/10/2015 19:51

OpheliaRose

mulberrybag · 23/10/2015 20:00

Also an avid supporter from your previous thread, I often think of you and send you positive vibes. I am going through break up trauma and have re read your threads for strength. It will never cease to amaze me how you can know someone for so long and so well but not actually know them at all. Keep your chin up, we'll get there in the end lovely Flowers

Findingthissohard · 23/10/2015 20:38

Hi Phee

I'm another lurker from your previous threads and I'm pleased to hear that you are doing really well.
Your thread struck a chord with me as it was at exactly the same time my DH was diagnosed with cancer. I know it's completely different but your shock, disbelief and anger all echoed my own.
I'm in no way over the diagnosis and everything since so I can't see how you can be either.
Take care of yourself Flowers

Christinayangstwistedsista · 23/10/2015 20:56

Phee

It is so nice to hear from you, I have often wondered how you are doing and am pleased that Sansoora started this post

I see their behaviour is still as selfish and insensitive as always, I'm sorry

I can understand why you are exhausted but you have done so well Phee

We are all still here for you when you need us xx

MotherOfFlagons · 24/10/2015 22:17

I also followed Phee's threads and I'm pleased that she's getting on with life and wish her every happiness.

BUT. I'm not 100% sure how to phrase this but there are certain threads on MN which take off and become MN supporting the OP (see also the current 'his friend is not just a friend' thread). I've seen it happen on s number of occasions and it becomes almost a competition about who is seen to be posting or PMing to support the OP along with daily 'I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of of you OP' type updates. Or worse, 'OP, update?'.

I know these threads are consuming, but I think some of us need to take a step back and remember that they aren't being posted for our entertainment, and that somewhere, someone is going through hell and might not have the opportunity to update MN.

Original poster
Sansoora · 25/10/2015 05:13

I've been having a hard time because although my parents are very supportive I worry that they think I should be getting over it by now and moving on. It's nothing they've said or done just a feeing I get.

Phee, people are under so much pressure to 'move on' and I think its very easy for those with a broken heart to think - mhhmmmm I really should have moved on by now. You are a handful of months into this, a mere handful, and I would put money on your mum and dad thinking to themselves - its going to take our girl a long time for her to get over this. And it should take you a long time! Just let your mum and dad be there for you - its what mums and dads are for.

I bloody hate that 'moving on' malarkey. Its such a simple thing to say but we have to remember that whilst we are quite clued up on the academics of betrayal and loss etc there is an invisible string connecting our head to our heart and whilst our head may get the message - our heart can lag a long way behind.

My daughter in law made these bags for my grandson last week. They're great fun and you can adapt them for kids who are a bit older. She used blue hair gel and did an underwater theme. Could you maybe do something like this or are they a bit too old for them.

pagingfunmums.com/2013/08/02/diy-gel-sensory-bag/

OP posts:
dinkywinky · 25/10/2015 22:19

I think it's time to get grateful for what you do have and if I remember correctly you have a lot to be grateful too. Concentrate on that and change your mindset.
This man would have done this eventually anyway, it's who he is. You may have wanted the perfect marriage with husband there for the children but don't most women want this? This happens to many women day in day out unfortunately.
Accept what you can't change and get tough.

Why do you think people are judging you all the time while you're having conversations with them. Most people worry about there own lives and won't be obsessing with yours, as much as you seem to think they are. And anyway it's helpful to be stronger than that and make the decision not to give a rats arsh what random thinks about you.
What have you learnt about yourself from the curveball life has sent you? There's always some benefit in even the most painful scenarios. Life isn't perfect and you are finding this out now. It's what you learn from the disappointments and difficulties that matters and they help you grows as a person if you don't succumb to to them.
Concentrate on yourself instead of watching what the weasel and his OW are doing. What happened to you was awful but letting go of it will set you on the path to a better life and keep learning from the lessons life is sending you. It will upgrade you to your best self for you and your children. Good luck xx

StompyFreckles · 26/10/2015 08:21

Hi Phee, I remember your threads and still think of you often. Thank you for popping back to let us know how you're doing Thanks.

Joysmum · 26/10/2015 08:29

I've been having a hard time because although my parents are very supportive I worry that they think I should be getting over it by now and moving on. It's nothing they've said or done just a feeing I get

I bet they don't and it's you projecting your wish to be iver it onto them.

I'd advise you opening dialogue on this to squash it.

derxa · 26/10/2015 08:43

Good Luck OpheliaRose. I don't know why you feel you should be 'getting over it'. You've had so many hellish shocks and now this 'engagement'. I love how proudly your ex proclaims his awful actions. Don't know what to say to help.

dangerrabbit · 26/10/2015 09:54

OpheliaRose, I followed your previous threads and was disgusted to hear of your exes behaviour. Thank you for updating, it doesn't look like he's changed at all, I suppose he thinks he needs to make some big gesture with the OW in order to justify his horrendous actions against you and the twins. Keep on keeping on Flowers

Rufuswetwipe · 26/10/2015 11:46

I also followed your threads ophelia and would just like to say ThanksThanksbig hugs. Your ex is a dick and I hope you continue to feel a little bit stronger day by day, despite the engagement setback. You deserve to meet someone with the same morals and loyalty you appear to have xx

Rufuswetwipe · 26/10/2015 11:54

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Original poster
Sansoora · 26/10/2015 12:15

This obsession with "getting over it and quick " can be damaging.

Hear Hear.

That and the bloody 'move on'

I sodding well hate it.

OP posts:
99percentchocolate · 26/10/2015 12:41

Phee Flowers, another one who has been thinking of you. So sorry that he is still parading around - he really doesn't get it at all, does he? I can't believe he is engaged to her after everything else he has done, but trust me, your mutual friends will be quietly judging him.
I hope things improve for you soon x