Separating but it is not mutual and have an 8 year old

[Lilfroggi1]

My husband has moved out and I'm struggling to cope as I am still in shock I think and also I can't quite think straight I'm worried about my daughter and trying to keep my emotions in check. He said he hadn't been happy for months I just thought we were in a bit of a rough patch. He has moved in to his mums and is now wanting our daughter to stay but I don't think she is ready at all as she is very quiet and hasn't asked many questions about it and the worst thing is he told her he was leaving when I had popped out so I don't know what he said to her and she has started acting out in school nothing major at the moment but I am worried any advice or just support would be greatly appreciated

He is being fine about money. He is currently paying all our mortgage and council tax which equates to about £1400 a month. He is also paying for Sky and broadband. I am paying the rest. This was how it was before he left and he has continued with this arrangement. We have agreed to continue with this arrangement until the New Year when we may have to revisit it. We are fortunate in that we have other properties too so he has told me not to worry about money as I will be alright. He is feeling guilty I think as he told his Mum he has "let us down" !
I saw a solicitor the week after he left, as we have a pre nup. She assured me the Pre nup was full of holes as there was no provision for our daughter. He doesn't know any of this or that I have I have even seen a solicitor. What's the saying "Knowledge id king" ?!

Hi thanks HaveToWearHeels, he has paid one month of the usual and has more or less said that it will be half the end of this month so I am going to see a solicitor next week and see how much he should have to pay as I have been on the maintenance calculator it says one thing and then on another it says 12% of his income I'm just gutted cos he just can't see what he has done by leaving is wrong at all and I don't want it to get nasty but it feels it will go that way we can't seem to talk without it ending in an argument

Feeling down now how long do the up and down feelings last it's been 8 weeks since husband left. Nothing feels any more sorted between us. it's as if he said he wasn't happy and it's like he has buried his head in the sand really. We started communicating about things and our daughter but then it all goes odd and he goes distant. she is also starting to think about Christmas and what will happen on Christmas Day . Just feel drained my friends and family have been great and saying I'm being really strong but I don't feel it all just feel weak and unsure and can't stop over thinking is there any way to stop doing that any ideas would be helpful

Look you are suffering a life crisis and so of course you're going to feel weak and unsure and drained - it's only natural. You are going through a bereavement (any loss is a bereavement - doesn't have to be a death) and it's a journey - and the emotions you have aren't linear, you take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Some of the emotions are denial, anger, sadness and finally acceptance but there is no time limit for this journey - it takes as long as it takes. There are no short cuts but over time things start to settle. It's only been 8 weeks which is no time at all.

And we have the C word looming when emotions become heightened, so that's going to be difficult for you. Hope your DD is doing OK.

Thanks she is ok at the moment but says that she is confused and I'm finding it hard to answer as I don't really know I'm trying to be as honest as I can with her and also without running him down as he is her dad at the end of the day. School says she is a little quieter but still doing well. But she doesn't talk about it much I'm worried that she is trying to forget about it all as if it isn't happening

Hi my husband after we have separated is going to be renting a house soon and I was wondering should I tell him to take all of his things I'm finding at the moment we have lots of misunderstanding and we tend to throw things that have been said at each other when he told me he wasn't happy I'm just feeling drained with it all any advice on how not to rise to the things that are said?. Also I have a night away coming up and it isn't his weekend to have her should I ask him to have her or arrange my mum to have her, at the moment she still doesn't want to stay with him and keeps saying she is confused and why won't he come home please any suggestions would be helpful thanks

It still sounds pretty raw so I would advocate communication when it's only strictly needed and where possible restrict it to the written form. Bag his shit up and put it in the basement/garage/attic, so it's out of the way and all in one place. If he's the petty type, I would take pictures of his shit before you bag it up to counter possible future bullshit. If he hasn't asked for his shit after a week of being in his new place, then suggest (in writing) he comes and gets it but stating that removal of communal items only happens by prior agreement.

While it is so raw and you're both not getting on, I think it better to maintain the contact schedule where possible. Ask your Mum to babysit on your night away and by being consistent, it is hoped that contact won't be another thing to argue about.

It's a very trying time for both you and your DD and even though the split wasn't of your choosing, this isn't the point to dwell on. He's gone and that's the reality that you both have to deal with, he's still her father and she deserves to have a relationship with him, so be supportive of that (whilst not acting responsible for their relationship). Naturally, her father living elsewhere, is a radical shift in their relationship dynamic and getting used to that will take time and her current sadness and confusion is to be expected. It's important that you DD has an outlet for her feelings and can talk about it with you or someone she is close to. Keep reassuring her that you love her and that you will always be there for her.

Be kind to yourself and try and give yourself space, by getting some emotional distance (detaching) between you and your STBEX.

Been doing ok for a good week but seem to have hit a wall emotionally the last 2 days and am struggling not sure whether it is because I'm tired as work has been very busy and I have to be happy and smile a lot, or that my ex husband is moving into his place this weekend. and then my daughter said that she didn't like the mum of the last two days as I have been grumpy so it made me feel awful and guilty I am trying. any advice I'm trying to be strong sorry for moaning I just find the advice you give helps me focus more

I'm sorry to hear this , it must be hard when you've been doing your best and Dd says you are grumpy . Well, you will be grumpy sometimes, all parents are, especially after what you have been through . It's easy for Daddy to be all " fun fun fun " while you have to do all the work

Have you managed to put some distance between you and your ex ? And did you sort out benefits and also your tenancy ?

I see that your ex is moving into his own place . You need to prepare yourself for the appearance of OW and also for him to start to get arsey about money

I'm trying to but seem to have to contact him for things with school and Xmas and general with the our daughter but I'm just hoping I can get passed Xmas and then put distance then. He is in his own place now so he came earlier for his clothes so at least they have gone money I think will be my next issue he has already starting to be funny about it. Got the benefits sorted but I haven't had much help with housing benefit and no help from council tax benefit but the tenancy shouldn't be a problem to sort out. Just feel exausted all the time by trying to sort everything out and all the misunderstandings that happen. And I get cross because part of me would still like to try and sort it out as I do still love him it's not as much as it was in the beginning I just think my self esteem and confidence is at an all time low

I think your DD is old enough at 8 for you to tell her that you are hurting and upset just like her and not grumpy.

I have said that I am and that I'm sorry if I come across grumpy she has been better the last few days again and also I have tried making an effort to ask her questions like before bed and end on a happy note so she goes to sleep easier I know we will get there and I'm trying to start planning things for us to do.

Can you contact your ex by email instead ? That would be more controlled and less stressful

I understand that you would like to " sort it out " but this isn't a misunderstanding . A good chat won't make this better I'm afraid . He's left and if he wanted to sort it out he would have done so by now .

You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he has someone else .

Well done on getting the benefits sorted . Have you told all your RL friend and family ? Are your colleagues supportive ?

Hi I don't mean that I think the situation is a misunderstanding it's the communicating that get misunderstood by text or when we do do talk. My family and friends have been good and so have my colleagues but feel I don't want to keep burdening them with everything and they get fed up with me I'm just trying to keep everything civil until after Christmas but I know I have to start setting boundaries and times for dropping off and picking up

Hi any tips on improving your self esteem and confidence I seem to be really struggling in the last few days I know it's the situation partly but I have been struggling before I want to make myself feel better about myself and letting go of what has happened and to move on with my life