my version of a mid life crisis!

[LemonTart]

On a recent thread there was talk about how we feel when we find out something new about people we have known for years. I commented on how my dad surprises me all the time with his incredible life.
It has got me thinking just how amazing his life has and is. As a child through ww2 he experienced quite extraordinary risk and adventure and has lived all over the world. His father was a very serious and respected scientist who wrote numerous pioneering books etc and he and his family ended up travelling far and wide to be with him. He has ridden bare back horses on beaches, been on safari adventures, got outstanding scholarships and academic quals himself. But even as an academic he still was "cool" getting up to wild uni pranks and motorbiking all over Europe. Ended up in a top job that involved the Govt. (not as a politician!) and advised Nasa on several projects. As a child I remember the phone often ringing in the middle of the night as he was called into London to advise diff people during the Cold War. It was all very exciting having cars arrive and whisk him off..Even in retirement he is doing amazing stuff like a couple of years ago he rescued a man out at sea and was asked if he would take part on a 999 episode - which he turned down as he is too modest and didn?t want people to think he was showing off!! So...
How come he can be so bright, so bold and extraordinary - make a real difference in the bigger picture and yet have such a boring, average and very normal daughter like me??
I only got a 2:2 at Uni (he never said he was disappointed but I know he was shocked at how badly I did). I never really got promoted that far up the ladder at work in teaching (unlike my sister who was HoD within two years and now Deputy Head after only 5 years).. Ok so I have a good husband and two lovely kiddies and am happy with my little terraced 3 bed too small house and modest income -- but i have never ever done anything that stood out, made a difference.
is this it? Is he secretly disappointed with me? As a child he used to tell me I would be a great woman, walk in space/be a pioneering scientist/own my own company etc etc - and I believed him. Truth is, I am only averagely birght, rather short and dumpy with two very normal (and gorgeous) kiddies.
He loves his grandchildren and he loves me..But can?t help feeling that I have come this far and there is no turning back now - there is no longer any opportunity to do really wild stuff. I am doomed to normality! I can?t run off and save the world or help starving children in Africa or design a new space centre. i can?t find a cure for cancer or write a book about quantom physics. i am just forgettable little me with a normal life. Totally irrelevant to the big picture. A miniscule and rather irrelevent appendix to society.
Even on mumsnet on those "who would you liek to meet"threads or "where has so and so gone?" threads - no-one even thinks of me. I am so unbelievably invisible!

Ok - rant over, total "me me me"ness finished. just wanted to share how invisible and irrelevent I feel. Even if I died tomorrow, DH would be fine after a little while and the kids adore him - he would make a fantastic single dad. I am simply not required. I know they would miss me and it would be very sad, but ultimately it wouldn?t be a disaster if i wasn?t here. That is pretty hard thing to face up to really.

Wow Lemontart. You don't really believe that do you? If the whole world was running around saving everyone and inventing things, that would be a ridiculously manic place to live in; and it would become the new boring! It's people like you who keep the manic ones grounded. So stop with the poor little me () line and start celebrating what you do do well. You've probably affected so many little people's lives through your teaching and you don't have to be top dog to make a difference. SO, take a deep breath and hold your head up high and stop the sadness. Because remember... "you're worth it..." x

I bet your father isn't disappointed in you - if you think of what you say to your own children regarding careers and ambitions - you try to offer them all the options, and not to limit their ambitions, but in reality, all you really want is for them to be happy with whatever life they choose to lead.

I skimmed this and the last paragraph made me stop and read it properly. How can you think it wouldnt be a disaster if you werent around for your children?!?! I bet they dont think that.

you dont have to do something exciting and amazing to make a contribution. Stop and ask the old lady if hse wants help across the road, volunteer in a charity shop, raise your children to be good people - all of these things contribute to society and can make someones day.

Not everyone can have a high flying life, and Im sure you dad is proud of you. You are bringing up your children, have a good marriage and obviously love your father, what more could any parent ask for.

My dh sent me a quote that he found partiuarly relevant when he a had a crisis of confidence some time ago. I really like it:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know. Sensible version of me knows all of that just sometimes when you start thinking about stuff I shock myself by how irrelevent I am. In a way it is a bit embarrassing to admit that really it is about my own hurt pride that I am not "better".
Don?t panic though - I am not suicidal, just a bit disappointed that I haven?t turned out better!!
Sorry if my post was a bit OTT, just needed to rant and then get back to a more realistic stance! Feel a lot better for posting it tbh and can stop going around as if I have PMT..

Like that quote, KezzaG.

KezzaG - that last sentence has just made me cry. Thank you. Your husband is right

I don?t know what I need at the minute. It isn?t really sympathy i am looking for, and I don?t need anyone to tell me I am amazing or anything. I jsut can?t help my stupid pride making me feel, well, just plain, irrelevent and a bit of a let down. God, I wish I didn?t feel so pointless or needing to be "great" to be worthwhile. It isn?t very nice or easy to accept and be happy with being mediocre and unimportant, thats all.

Thanks to those that have bothered to read my rather selfish wallowing. I will shut up now and get on with beng a little less self centred

Keep talking if it helps, LemonTart . I do know what you mean. I was a bright child and did very well at school, then somehow at university found it all a lot harder, and ended up with a 2:2. And although I've never been particularly ambitious, I always thought I'd have a 'career', whereas now that I've got children, I just have a job. So I do understand the way you feel.

I am not going to tell him that, he will be very smug for days

Don't focus on what you haven't done, think about what you have done. You have a lovely marriage, great kids, have taught other children, have a nice house.....

Are you happy? That's the most important question. If you are happy then I'm sure your dad will be happy too.

Parting of growing older is learning that we can just be ourselves and we don't have to try and live up to other people's expectations of who/what we should be.

You are rhight, Yuletides. I guess that is the mid life crisis bit. Accepting who we are, our failings and our successes with equal grace.
Not feeling very graceful atm!! Will try harder!

Oh, Lemontart I do feel for you. Your post could have been written by me a few years ago.

I am the eldest daughter of an extremely high-achieving father, and have had the same thoughts as you. I pushed myself beyond my natural limits to achieve, to prove to dad and to everyone, anyone in fact even the man on the street, that I was amazing, talented and utterly capable. I worked my socks off and kept all my doubts and fears (and my god, there were plenty) to myself, not even DH really knew how fragile I felt. I kept thinking any minute, someone will find me out and see me for the fraud I am.

In the end I had a nervous breakdown, followed by severe depression. (I have to add that a) there were other things which triggered it, and b) I am in no way suggesting that this is the way you are going!)

Several years later, I am no longer working and if I'm honest, probably not capable of working now - certainly not in my old career, but probably not at all. In my low moments I feel that I have let everyone down - DH, my children, my family esp my father who had such high hopes. But you know what? It's not true. Just because we haven't achieved what we thought we should achieve, it doesn't mean we are not worthwhile people. We can't all set the world on fire. The fact that you are who you are, you are happily married with two children, you are happy - that is all any of us can ask for. And that is all any of us would want for our children - to be happy in their skin.

It has taken me a long time to accept that I am ordinary, not extraordinary. I'm never going to be a director in some FTSE100 company. I'm never going to speak umpteen different languages. Yes, I read a lot of what would be considered fairly challenging books, but I am equally happy flicking through a Hello magazine. I am happy with looking after my children, happy when I cook a meal that they both like. And my dad, bless him, has been so unbelievably supportive throughout the last few years, has done nothing but show his pride in my survival and joy that I know what happiness is again.

So hold your head up high, you are a good person and I bet if you asked your dad, he would say so too.

Big hugs

Where did your mum figure in all of this?
I must admit that I would find it exhausting living like a man like your dad .
I cant imagine he could have achieved all of this without some kind of support.
Are you more like your mum??

sorry should have said "living WITH a man like your dad"

Oh God! You know most of us go through this thought process quite regularly! Boy, that father/daughter thing has a lot to answer for. Fathers really can define the lifelong parameters that = success. But you know, sometimes they are just WRONG!

You get to understand the parent the thing a bit better once you become one, don't you? And what I realised about my dad was that he was trying to 'fill the gaps' in his own life ("I'd have been so much happier if...").

If I'd followed my father's ambitions, I'd have studied all sciences (no point, apparently ,in studying the arts or social sciences!), struggled and have probably killed myself trying to succeed in a profession that didn't suit me. I've seen it happen to other people...it isn't pretty and certainly doesn't lead to happiness.

Personally I'm a bit of a hedonist these days after chasing the career buck (another externally imposed definition of 'success'). Now having a great time making spontaneous mildly irrational decisions in the interest of my family's happiness. We're moving to the seaside next month! Having to stick out the boring stuff too in the interest of the 'grand happiness plan'). It certainly won't match my dad's expectations, but we'll be having a laugh.

Follow your own instincts and find your own way to happiness...be it doing day-to-day things that make you laugh or feel bloody satisfied, and/or having a slightly more long term plan if it's a bigger ambition.

Legacies beyond that left to your family are totally over-rated!

thank you all. I think I wasn?t really looking for sympathy or to be told to pull myself together, count my blessing etc so much as a bit of understanding and even knowing someone else out there had felt these types of things. Thank you all for caring enough to post.
My mum is lovely. Very together lady who does loads for the community, organises endless village things, fab mum, fab granny etc and very supportive wife. We have a good relationship. It is my dad and I that have this slightly strained relationship - I think too much and care too much about his opinion and yet we don?t "talk" about it!! AAAGGGH!.
Honestly, I feel a lot better for sharing. I still feel fairly trivial atm but feel a bit easier about it al. Thanks for reading and being therel

From a totally selfish perspective it's good to have people posting threads like yours.
It makes you consider your own situation and feelings and whether you're addressing them yourself. So thanks!

Can I say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a 2.2, a job that you enjoy alongside caring for 2 lovely kids, and keeping your marriage going? Plenty of threads on mumsnet to show you're making a great success of things others sometimes find very hard to do.
I've got a couple of friends who got a 3rd, then a PhD. Then became a SAHM with several kids. I'd never dare call their lives unsuccessful!
You can save lives, help medical research or help kids in Africa by getting involved in a charity from home. You can use your teaching contacts to mentor a child in your local community, become a community governor in a failing school, etc., etc.