Don't really know where to start so sorry if this is rambling but so tired and upset feeling like the house skivvy and not feeling like a real person anymore.
DH is, genuinely, a lovely person (I know lots of people say that though!) but has suffered with depression since he was a boy and is very slowly getting on top of it but it's going to take years not weeks. It means how ever much he cares about me he doesn't seem that able to do what he really should to show it because he doesn't even value himself that highly. It's like he's selfish but on the depression' behalf, not on his own.
For instance we were both ill a few weeks ago and dinner needed doing and he wasn't up to so I ended up doing it even though I was feeling worse - but it wasn't him being a twat, if it was up to him and he was on his own he'd have gone without so it's not as though he only cares about himself, the problem is that he doesn't even care about himself so no-one else gets a look in.
If I feel ill/tired/bad about something he'll be genuinely interested/empathise but will have forgotten about it 5 minutes later and will just feel worse if I bring it up again. If the washing up needs doing he'll wait for me to do it or beat himself up about not having done it rather than grit his teeth and summon up the energy to do it. If someone (MIL) forces him to consider their feelings (ie, throws a strop) he'll put the effort in through fear but when I calmly say something and expect him to provide the effort he'll take the easy way out and not bother.
I do understand that's what depression does to you, I suffer from anxiety too but I can't live like this - I don't want everything to go to pieces because neither of us are looking after things but I don't want to be the housekeeper fading into the background either but those feel like the only choices I have.
DD(11) seems to have taken it on board as well and although we get on really well, acts like I'm one of her teachers - orders given will be followed but no further thought given to me as a person beyond that. Ie, if I say I've got a raging headache she'll just rabbit on and ask for things as normal as if my feelings don't exist but if I tell her off she'll finally listen and it's making me shouty almost every day.
I just want both of them to see and appreciate me as a person, not as the teacher/housekeeper/manager. If for instance I didn't wash or brush my teeth for a month DH wouldn't ask what was wrong and why I wasn't washing, he'd just accept that was how I'd decided things would be and he was to put up with it which is slowly driving me mad, it's like I don't exist.
We can't afford counselling but I'm determined to change things, I just don't know where to start? Should I just become ultra bossy and dictate what everyone does, including dictating acceptable responses to my feelings, virtually forcing DH to do what I want like he's a child? I feel like that's what DH would prefer (he's used to it from his mum) but it's really not me.