I'm at my wits end with my partners mother!

[Jelly101]

This has been going on a while now, but my partners mother is driving me crazy. She has three children and my partner is the middle child (he has a younger sister and older brother). He was the last child to leave home and is the one she is closest to. She is divorced from his father, who now lives about an hour away with his wife of 15 years and has a comfortable lifestyle. Anyway, she has always suffered from money problems and has ended up in debt several times. When she was married to my partners father he was paying off her debts and left because he got fed up of doing it. She once asked my partner to take out a £2,000 loan for her so she could pay off her debts and have some money left over to buy xmas presents (he refused). She also owes her daughter in law over a £1,000 which she borrowed to pay some debts off. As far as I'm aware she only pays her £10/£20 here and there and doesn't make regular payments. A few months ago (around the time my DS was born), she contacted his brother, and said she needed to borrow £400 off him, as bailiffs had turned up at her hour and threatened to take her car away if she didn't pay the money. It turns out, that she owed this money had received a parking fine and 'forgot' about it. Another thing that annoys me is that she works in the office of a Surestart centre and is constantly telling my what I should and shouldn't be doing with my DS, how I should be holding him, how much milk he should be having and basically telling me I'm doing everything wrong (I'm a first time mum so this makes me feel like a rubbish parent tbh). Conveniently, she always makes comments like this when my partner is not around. One comment in particular left me fuming as she once said 'you'd be surprised what SS pick up on nowadays' - I was gobsmacked and hurt that she said this! We live in a nice house which have decorated from scratch by ourselves and my parents (she never offered any help at all), my DS has everything he needs, always looks presentable, is happy and healthy, and me and his father have a very happy, stable & equal relationship together. When we first found out I was pregnant last year, we were both living with our parents to save up for a deposit on a house. When I was about 2 months pregnant, he came to live with my parents as I was extremely ill for the first 5 months of my pregnancy. Occasionally, he would go home to see his mother and stay overnight, probably about once a month. He was living at my parents house for 6 months- all the while he was paying his mother £250 a month, which she insisted on him paying for 'storage of his possessions', even though he was never there and had changed his address. Every time he tried to confront her about this, she would say that she wouldn't be able to survive without it, and she wouldn't be able to afford to eat (she is a size 20) and pay her bills. My partner only stopped paying her when DS was born. This really annoyed me as we had to have a different pushchair than the one we originally wanted because we couldn't afford the other one (we would have been able to if he wasn't paying his mother). There are many other things that she has said/done which have annoyed me. For instance, at my sons christening a few weeks ago, my partner questioned her about the bailiff incident when she was on her own (she didn't know that he or his sister knew about it) and she started crying in front of everyone and became hysterical, which then made everyone ask questions and took the focus away from my son. When we were ready to leave she asked my partner to stay behind so she could talk to him. Again, this annoyed me as me and DS had to go home alone when I wanted to go home together as a family and open the gifts we had received. My partner returned home THREE hours later and told me that she was still upset and for some bizarre reason, had decided to tell him that she was seeing two guys at the same time (one who she has had a relationship with in the past and is married) which she was really enjoying because she found it 'exciting'. This baffled me & why she felt the need to tell him this on his sons christening day I really don't know. Oh, and to top it off she 'ran out of money' so he paid for the rest of her drinks whilst they were there. Sorry for the extremely long post, I just needed to vent! It just annoys me that she has so much control over my partner and she knows it.

Thank you for all of your replies!
I really don't want his mum to come in between our relationship. If she still expects my partner to drop everything for her when he's got a family of his own to think about, I'm going to have to confront her. I feel like I can't talk to my partner about my own problems (nothing too serious, just general moaning really) because I don't want to put anymore pressure on him.

If she still expects him to drop everything for her when he's got a family of his own to think about, then he's going to have to confront her.

You can intervene if you want, but she'll still whistle and he'll still come running. It's their relationship, and only he can change his own behaviour in it. (She has no incentive to change so will ignore you - or rather, cry to him about it.)

Yeah, I was worried that if I intervene and I will be portrayed as the 'bad guy' to everyone else in his family. Especially if she turns on the waterworks over it, which could make things even worse. DP basically needs to grow a pair and tell her enough is enough.

Your MIL does sound like a nightmare OP but I also think you sound like it's your way or the highway. Threatening your DP that if he doesn't say anything you will end the relationship is at best immature at worst emotionally manipulative. Has it not occurred to you that your DP might have wanted to see his mum alone and had a few drinks on your sons christening day because of the pressure and tension?

I've been in your DP's position where my H was pulling me in one direction and my parents in another and me and the dc's were stuck firmly in the middle of their power battle. It's a horrible place to be and I'm no longer married or have much to do with parents. I was sick of being a pawn in their power games. There are other ways of asserting yourself than basically putting your foot down and issuing ultimatums to your DP. Be kind to him, he's having it rough too.

It wasn't necessarily an ultimatum, it was more of a worst case scenario situation. If this whole situation became bigger and he started to neglect us in favour of her - then yes it's something I'd consider.

I have seen her tonight actually, we went out for a meal (she doesn't like having us at her house, we haven't been there in over 6 months) and she handed me a few parenting leaflets. I told her I that I was alright thank you, and she just said 'well I think you would do well to read them' .

I am now doubting myself as a mother, even though I know I shouldn't. I love my DS and I would do anything for him. He is my priority and I know that he is well looked after. Yet I can't help but feel a little embarrassed and upset that she obviously thinks I'm not doing a good enough job.

I

Excuse the typos, my baby thought it would be a good idea to grab my phone

Isetan is spot on.

I've heard the same re responsibility and it's not healthy. If DP is not going to deal with it, run.

Ps ignore the DS comments, a woman like that will always have something to say! I'm sure you are doing great!

why don't you get her some debt problem leaflets and hand them back then. Stand up to her yourself if she is really that bad, you don't need your partner to do that or when she says you would do well to read them say whys that then?

Challenge her if she says things that make you uncomfortable.

Is this about you playing second fiddle to her or her unkind remarks to you. You can separate them and deal with them separately.

It was an error to actually meet her even in a meal setting; bad behaviour should never be rewarded by you actually seeing her.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different.

What did your man say when these leaflets were handed over to you?.

This was a pre-arranged meal as it was my partners birthday last week and she wanted to see him, to give him his present and card. I didn't want to go really, but it was either that or DP would have offered to take DS with him to 'give me a break'.

I'd rather go myself than give her the satisfaction of seeing them alone so she can say/do what she wants. The only time DS and DP have ever met her without me was a few weeks after he was born. DP came home and said that she had said we needed to take our son the doctors.

Basically, she had changed his nappy and noticed that there was a red mark on one of his toes and she said we needed to get it looked at right away. DP has explained to her that we had already asked the MW and HV about it and they said it was a birthmark and nothing to worry about. She insisted that we booked an appointment at the doctors as it definitely was not a birthmark, she even asked for the number to ring the GP herself. Anyway, I waited until DS's 6 week check up, and mentioned it to the doctor (which I intended on doing anyway, just to be on the safe side) who said it was indeed a birthmark.

She hasn't been involved with her other grandchildren at all, and has only seen them occasionally. I think that because she is closest to DP, she feels as though she has the right to intervene with DS.

Anyway, when she gave me the leaflets and refused to back down, I told her that I was doing the best job that I possibly can, and that quite frankly, she just seems hell-bent on knocking my confidence as a FTM. I then gave DP the money for my share of the meal, and said that me and DS were making our own way home (he was asleep in his pushchair, luckily). I'd had enough at this point and decided to take myself away from the situation rather than cause a scene. DP arrived about 20 minutes after I got home and apologised for his mothers behaviour.

I seriously am wondering whether he will ever manage to break free of his mother's control. He may well never do so and that is a possibility you need to face.

He still seems to be kowtowing to her and is still very much under her control (her behaviour still screams that). Theirs is still a very dysfunctional relationship.