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Original poster

General whinge-fest

12 replies

Hidingbehindthecupboard · 04/12/2006 23:02

OK - I've changed my 'regular' name because I'm worried DH will read this. Sorry!

Just a bit fed up really. Fed up because last week when I got in from work, he said he was 'disappointed' by how untidy the house was. DD (19m) had been a tad upset in the morning so we'd watched 'Postman Pat' instead of doing chores before work. It's a bit rich of him to complain, because he never does any bloody cleaning!

Anyway.

He's not well. I know he's not, and I make allowances... but he still bloody pisses me off. Sorry, but he does. It's all I can do to spend the weekend with him, sometimes. God that sounds awful .

So I try to pretend, and bugger off with my packet of (secret) fags and try to cheer myself up - but it's him that ignored my cries for help when DD was born until I almost left. It's him that earns less than 60% of what I do. It's him that is 'too tired' to do anything at weekends apart from watch bloody sport. Him that thinks I'm a failure for working full-time and not keeping the house 100% gorgeous.

Sorry - but I so didn't want this for my child(ren)! Anyone else used to be a feminist (HA!) but finds herself cleaning the toilet every week?!

I'm angry, sorry. I know I should be sympathetic because he's ill, but I'm not. I HATE HIM.

OP posts:
ClementClarkeMoore · 04/12/2006 23:05

Gosh that's a bit strong 'HATE'! If that's really the case why are you still around?

How ill is he, what's wrong?

Carmenere · 04/12/2006 23:10

just because he is ill doesn't mean that he can't be an arse. How dare any parent express dissappointmnet to the other one about housework when you both work.
Do you think that things will get better in the future?

Original poster
Hidingbehindthecupboard · 04/12/2006 23:13

Fair point. I guess I didn't explain properly as I was having a bit of a rant!

What I meant was I don't understand why him having MS gives him carte blanche to criticise everything I do. OK - so I need to make allowances for him - but I really don't think a few toys on the floor is much to complain about.

Mind you - as I'm reading this I'm wondering if his anger at the MS is coming out towards me? Maybe he's transferring the anger onto things like the house etc and I'm taking it personally but it isn't meant that way?

Hmmm... never realises Mumsnet could substitute for expensive psychotherapy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hidingbehindthecupboard · 04/12/2006 23:14

Thanks, carmenare... your italics on 'disappointment' were VERY apt. That's as much what I was cross about as anything - the italics in his tone!!!

OP posts:
Callisto · 05/12/2006 08:18

He sounds like he needs a kick up the arse, but tbh if my partner gave me the 'You earn 60% less than I do, therefore...' I would be pretty upset. Earning power shouldn't be an issue and as a 'feminist' you shouldn't make it one.

Callisto · 05/12/2006 08:28

Ah, just spotted that he has MS. My mother has MS so I am speaking from experience. Do you not realise how depressing it is to have a degenerative disease for which there is no cure? To know that you will gradually lose your ability to walk, dress yourself, pick things up? He is 'too tired' becuase that is how the disease works. My mum is now 'too tired' to get in the car and be driven to see me an hour and a half away. Have you no understanding of MS? The tiredness is constant as is the low-grade pain.

Leave him or stick with it but stop being so bloody selfish. If you want to learn more about your husbands disease here is a link: MS Society

Original poster
Hidingbehindthecupboard · 06/12/2006 20:36

Sorry - I came across as a total cow in my OP and didn't express what I meant.

I do sympathise/empathise with DH. I know it's a terrible, terrible illness and we have both wept over what might have been. It's dreadful.

BUT what I was complaining/whingeing about was why does his illness mean I have to do everything? That time will probably come in the future - I know that - but it seems to have come already and the toddler inside me is finding that difficult to accept.

I love him really - but I hate the situation, is what I meant.

And what I meant to say was that I hate the fact I'm not allowed to complain about him not doing any housework etc, because he has MS. It's like that automatically makes him beyond reproach. If I'm tired because of my arthritis, it's nothing compared to his fatigue, I know that - but I'm not allowed to be tired... I have to get on and do - for the whole family.

That's what I wanted to 'whinge' about. And I know I sound like a selfish cow, but I wanted to vent... and now I wish I hadn't.

Still, you live and learn... and accept... and keep going.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 06/12/2006 20:40

Actually HBTC I thought that Callisto was a little hard on you. To me (my bf has ms) it became apparent that you were just having a rant. Being in a relationship is hard enough without having to deal with you dh having a degenerative illness. Of course you are going to want to rant occasionally, far better that it is here imo.

colditz · 06/12/2006 20:41

Why is it selfish to be knackered and fed up of doing everything? I'd be fed up too. Love doesn't give you superhuman powers of tolerance and vast reserves of energy - you can love someone very much and still get pissed off at where life has taken you.

ginnedupmummy · 06/12/2006 21:50

Message withdrawn

tc58 · 06/12/2006 22:59

MS does NOT give him carte blance to criticise everything you do. It may be anger at the MS but that is no excuse for him taking it out on you - he has a rough deal, but so do you. You are working full time as well as looking after a toddler and a grown man who can't contribute to home life. If he doesn't recognise and thank you for your support he will lose it. If he can still work presumably he can still take this message on board. I don't think I could keep going under constant criticism, and if you found you couldn't manage then where would you all be? Nip it in the bud right now!

Callisto · 07/12/2006 09:31

I think you need to talk to him instead of bitching behind his back. If I had written something like this about my DP he would be devastated. Of course it is hard and you have the right to winge but the OP was way ott. Your husband may need help to come to terms with his illness. He must feel like crap and he is taking it out on you because you're closest to him. You need to come to terms with the fact that if you stick with it you will always out-earn him, be the primary carer for your children, be the cook and cleaner. It sounds like there is a whole load of resentment bubbling away in your household from both of you so you have to talk about it all. Pussy footing around his illness will just make it far worse all round.

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