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Original poster

Does it make me evil to not want to support a relative who has been having an affair?

11 replies

ELF1981 · 04/12/2006 22:33

Seriously. The whole family has been thrown into disarray over what has happened. I am of the opinion they made their bed, they should lie in it... but does it make me a bitch?

OP posts:
DonnerDasherDancerDior · 04/12/2006 22:36

Depends how you feel on the matter. If you are cross with them, don't support them.

Piffle · 04/12/2006 22:37

Depends entirely on the person, your love/relationship to them and the circs in which the infidelity occured
No easy answer thus.

maturer · 05/12/2006 09:59

No you are not a bitch- the best thing you can do is be honest about how you feel over this situation- don't pretend to not be bothered, if you find it unacceptable then say so if appropriate.

However- I speak as the "victim" of an affair (my dh had one with a work colleague 3 years ago- we are stll together after lots of hard work to get him back into the real world)
Good people sometimes make big mistakes- they shouldn't, it's no excuse they are adults and are responsible for their actins and the consiquences of them BUT the reality is it happens (to lots of people I'm afraid)

The one thing I learned is it's not as black and white as it seems-when you are actually living in that situation- there can be a multidude of reasons why someone has an affair- and it does not necessarily mean they don't love their partner, the trouble is it can be so destructive and the ripples that go out go on and on (as you are experiencing as a relative now caught up ib it)

It now depends on the circumstances- how the person conscerned behaves now it is out in the open is crucial as to wether their matrriage will survive- but please bare in mind the "victim" may still want to try and save their relationship as may the perpetrator. I know how hard it is to try and go about a normal life knowing that everyone close to you knows (and you did nothing wrong)
All i would say is -yes make it clear you do not approve in any way of the affair but his immediate "family" may need your support especially if they decide to try and get past this and that may involve you being "accepting"/civil/including the culprit in your family life again.
I'm 3 years on from an affair and the "ripples" still keep coming!!!!

expatinscotland · 05/12/2006 10:04

No, your feelings are very normal.

He/she should expect this as fallout from their actions.

Original poster
ELF1981 · 05/12/2006 19:52

Sorry for posting and running last night. Thanks for the replies.
The lowdown version is that a female relative has been having an affair for some time. The person she was having an affair with has created all sorts of trouble - writing to her DH, texting her DH including things like asking if he is sure their child is his etc. They had orginally decided to split but then decided to make a go of it, fair nuff.
But last night things took a turn for the worse, the guy she'd been having an affair with texted her DH saying "you cant watch your DC all the time" and when her DH went to pick up their DC from the school, the bloke was waiting outside the school. Also the guy turned up outside the family house and caused trouble, a male relative of mine got involved (he's quite old) and ended up in a scuffle etc.
And now everybody is fawning around this relative, cooing over her and making sure she is okay, but she caused this and nobody seems to care about that. Her poor DC is becomming frightened about what is going off (doesn't know the whole story) and now the police are involved and they have been told by the police it is probably not safe staying in their own home. And despite all this, people are being sympathetic to her. While I agree the DC bit is unforgivable by this guy, and if I got my hands on him I'd bloody kill him for "threatening" her, I just dont understand why anybody hasn't spoken their minds to her.

OP posts:
Juicythe2ndnotsowiseman · 05/12/2006 20:23

Maybe they feel what happens in the relationship (i.e. her DH's willingness to give it a go) is their business. Also, chucking more guilt at her, when she's already probably feeling very guilty about her causing this situation and her ex-lovers behaviour, isn't going to help.

If you feel you need to point out to her that the situation is of her causing go ahead. But doesn't everyone already know - especially her and are just recognising that rubbing salt in the wound isn't going to improve the immediate problems caused by this guy?

If you want to show your disapproval, maybe just better to keep out of it.

Original poster
ELF1981 · 05/12/2006 20:28

I am not planning on speaking my mind to her. Just fed up of people phoning me to tell me I should be supporting her iyswim.
Surely that would make me a hypocrite?

OP posts:
wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 05/12/2006 20:59

If she?d merely had an affair and her family was falling apart as a result, then I?d say yes, she made her bed, now she must lie on it, but whatever this woman has done, she doesn?t deserve to have been stalked by some psycho who is now threatening her husband and children.

People make mistakes. I by no means would condone a family member of mine having an affair, but if her dh now knows and they have decided to form a united front and try to rebuild their relationship, then the affair is hopefully something she wants to put in her past, and if her dh, who is ultimately the one who will have suffered most from this, is prepared to forgive her and move on with her, then I think that to say she?s effectively brought all this on herself is very harsh of you tbh. It?s one thing to say that you don?t support what she has done in the past because you don?t approve, but to say that you don?t feel that you can offer her support while she?s being stalked by someone who is clearly unbalanced, and potentially dangerous, is very judgemental of you IMO. After all, there but by the grace of God go any of us.

MerryChristmasfromQV · 05/12/2006 21:03

ABsolutely wannabe.

Original poster
ELF1981 · 05/12/2006 21:44

the DH does not know that they slept together. She has told him that this guy is making it up. He believes her.

I'm not saying that I'm disowing her, or feel she "deserves" to have this bloke stalking her or threatening her family (my OP was made before I knew about the school incident btw), but I dont know how I can act like everything is fine, and be all cheery and happy with her like everybody else is.

OP posts:
alibauble · 05/12/2006 22:02

Well, when they ask you why you're not supporting her, tell them to ask her. I do that with my MIL who keeps telling me to forgive my H. Ha ha. If only she knew what had really happened. I'm sorry but she's lying to her DH and he's taking her back on the grounds that nothing happened. You cannot build a relationship on lies. I should know. My H lied to me three times about his affair being over. I know things aren't black and white. But if she's serious about starting again she should come clean with her DH. Cannot you not talk to her on her own and say simply, It's great you want to try again, but please tell him the truth for everyone's sake. And leave it at that.

I sympathise it's a horrible situation to be in.

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