When Dads don't care about their kids- how to not feel hurt?

[rosepepper2010]

I have posted before - basically I returned to the UK a few months ago and my not so "DH" has not really done any of the things he said he would (send money, call kids etc).

My friends have told me that my DH has been laughing about the fact that we have left and he does't have to bother about us etc

He is definitely a narcissist I cannot believe I didn't see or realise.

He has done so many disgusting things but i feel so physically ill that his two gorgeous children are trying to call him etc and he doesn't bother with them and he is actually laughing at us.

How do you look at your children without your heart breaking for them or get over the fact that you have given them such a poor excuse for a father?

It is totally their loss Robotgirl!!

People keep saying I wouldn't have had DC without him but i still can't reconcile with that i suppose I do feel as if they are just my children really as he has never bothered with them really.

Rose...It sounds like it is still very new..

Years down the line for me I feel completely indifferent to Ex.

My Ds has struggled and I think at an OK place now... I have told him as much as he needs to know. He has asked a lot of questions. I have never lied to him or made excuses for him..However I haven't slagged him off either.

I tell my DS we focus on the people who are interested in our life.

After getting rid of my ex it dawned on me how little he care(s)d about them.

I found I was dealing with my own shock/heartbreak/uncertainty over the situation which made it harder to reassure the dc.

So important for you to a) let the dc figure the situation out by being factual but not bad mouthing him and b) to get your own support.

When you find a way through, so will your dc : no doubt about it.

Looking back on this from a great distance, and with my DDs feedback, apparently I got things mostly right.
EXH had very little interest in seeing our DDs from the time we split up, when DD2 was 13 months. He saw them on and off for a year or so, but kept not turning up when he was supposed to. I ended up just not telling DDs that he was supposed to be there, so it was a nice surprise when (if) he did.
And later on, when he stopped seeing them altogether, whenever they asked, I would just say 'of course Daddy loves you, he's just not very good at showing it'.
I bit my tongue (a lot!!), sorted out the benefits I was entitled too, leant on my parents a lot, and accepted that I would be bringing them up on my own. It wasn't easy - I was 22, with a 13 month old and a 27 month old when we split. I worked hard not to slag him off until they were much older.
They are now 25 and 26, have a really good relationship with his other children, and speak to their father sometimes. It's as good as it gets, I think.
So - you CAN do this without him, don't slag him off, find a phrase that works for you when they do ask, and know that when they grow up they will know who was there for them, and who wasn't. There were times it broke my heart, times I felt guilty about giving them a crap father, but when it comes down to it, it is what it is, and you can only deal with that. :)

Looking back on this from a great distance, and with my DDs feedback, apparently I got things mostly right.
EXH had very little interest in seeing our DDs from the time we split up, when DD2 was 13 months. He saw them on and off for a year or so, but kept not turning up when he was supposed to. I ended up just not telling DDs that he was supposed to be there, so it was a nice surprise when (if) he did.
And later on, when he stopped seeing them altogether, whenever they asked, I would just say 'of course Daddy loves you, he's just not very good at showing it'.
I bit my tongue (a lot!!), sorted out the benefits I was entitled too, leant on my parents a lot, and accepted that I would be bringing them up on my own. It wasn't easy - I was 22, with a 13 month old and a 27 month old when we split. I worked hard not to slag him off until they were much older.
They are now 25 and 26, have a really good relationship with his other children, and speak to their father sometimes. It's as good as it gets, I think.
So - you CAN do this without him, don't slag him off, find a phrase that works for you when they do ask, and know that when they grow up they will know who was there for them, and who wasn't. There were times it broke my heart, times I felt guilty about giving them a crap father, but when it comes down to it, it is what it is, and you can only deal with that. :)

I know it must be hard as a mother, but as a daughter of a useless dad I can confirm that I am okay.

My dad never paid a penny, did nothing but sit us in the corner of a pub when we saw him, and was unreliable. The last time we were due to see him I was 10 and he had promised to take us to London and never turned up, I remember phoning him and leaving voicemails while crying, thinking that he must be hurt. I don't remember any of the other times we were let down.

Now I have no feelings towards him whatsoever, like a friend you had in primary school who you liked at the time but have no wish to contact them. I don't feel like it's had any negative on my life, I had such a happy and loving family so never felt like I was missing anything.

My mum was brilliant, always kept in touch with his family when we moved so he knew where we were, and never said a bad word about him to us. I recently asked her how she coped when we were repeatedly let down, and she said she just knew the contact would never last and that when he disappeared we could all move on. She was right.

My ex is full of emotional blackmail and guilt trips over every little thing which my DC find difficult to deal with. He called today and I missed the call. I told the girls that he called and asked if they wanted to speak to him - both said no they didn't.

They are seeing him this weekend so I am not keeping them away from him but I can sense the distance growing already, and it's only been 9 months since we split up. I wish there was an answer to this. Every time he is in touch it's stressful for us all.

XH hasn't seen my 7yo DD since June. He's been offered contact but because it doesn't suit him he won't take it. All the blame is being put on me, he won't accept that it's his actions that have caused contact to break down.

So far I've told DD that daddy loves her and wants to see her but is finding things difficult at the moment. Ongoing I need to find a way of telling her that he won't be seeing her, whilst he could crawl out of the woodwork at any time.

I've had support from the local Family Support Network via the school , which has been brilliant. DD has had counselling and group sessions which have helped a lot.

DD has a half sister just six months old who she is missing seeing her grow up.

XH is also NPD. He thinks he is perfect and everybody else is wrong. Even the professionals involved in her care can't get through to him.

I've never rubbished him to DD and she will remember that when she's older.

It's hard for the kids now but as they grow up then hopefully they will see for themselves what their fathers are like.

But it's very sad and hard on them while they are too young to understand.