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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No contact with my own family - I feel no one I know understands the impact on me.

37 replies

JuliaJuliaJulia · 20/10/2015 09:50

I have had no contact with my family for 15 yrs and before that sporadic telephone contact in the 10 yrs before that. So all ancient history? No. My husband's family is the "family" I have around me and, particularly since having children of my own, I feel so alone in his family. They talk of their shared memories and no one remembers me as a child, no one has stories to tell. None of the people around me understand at all the impact.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 21/10/2015 16:53

'I'll probably be shot down for this but imo NHS counselling is not worth the paper it's written on. Pure crap ime. At least for deep-seated and significant trauma and damage: rather like a gp performing open heart surgery - woefully under qualified'

I agree. Traumatic experiences like yours (and ours) need much more indepth treatment over a long period of time. 6 or 10 or 12 sessions just won't cut it, and may just dredge up a load of terrible emotional pain without giving the time and space to process it properly

April2013 · 21/10/2015 17:51

I have to disagree - I had CBT therapy on the NHS and it has helped massively with childhood history stuff and present problems, I would really recommend it. It has enabled me to be assertive with my in-laws rather than appeasing\passive which has been a revelation, it is obviously very difficult and there is now a big rift in the family but I feel so much better than before and empowered. You are part of their family and have just as much right as them to be assertive if you are being hurt by their behaviour. I had to change therapist as the first was rubbish but done well, I think CBT is potentially very helpful for dealing with the past and present.

Knackeredknitter67 · 21/10/2015 18:25

OP, I have no contact with my abusive family. I spend a lot of my child hood in care. I m now a single parent with three autistic children, and no support system at all. My ex-husband's family treated me like I didn't exist, and I do think it was largely because I had no family of my own. I did have some sporadic contact with my sister but she has refused to talk to me since the beginning of this year when my male parent died.
I don't feel a part of anything, and often feel disjointed. People don't generally understand what my life is like, or the day to day existence and reminders of other people and their happy family lives can sometimes be painful for me.
I know that I am better off not having any contact with my family, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel some kind of loss.
This time of year is hardest and the build up to Christmas and New year and the general holiday spirit. I am of Indian background and am considered an oddity in a culture so steeped in family culture. It is hard, and this time of year can be unbearable.

springydaffs · 21/10/2015 20:01

April I am a fan of CBT as a bedrock set of skills. I've said on here before it is like scales to a classical musician - essential basic skill. From which much can be built.

As it happens, NHS mh has stumbled across these highly effective bank of skills and, bcs it is quick and effective, therefore cheap, have taken it on with gusto. All good. Except that's as far as they go. Sometimes much more detailed and sensitive work is required over a long period of time. As lotta says, the derisory 6/10/12 weeks of counseling offered - which you have to wait 5-6 months for - can be damaging for someone who is significantly damaged/traumatised by childhood abuse. If they acknowledged they were completely out of their depth that would be one thing... Angry

Sorry to go off on a tangent op.

Lottapianos · 21/10/2015 21:36

Absolutely agree about Christmas and New Year - so many images of the 'perfect' family everywhere, loads of pressure to be excited and jolly and all that crap. Its an utterly miserable time for a lot of people and I wish that was acknowledged more often.

CoronaExtra · 21/10/2015 22:55

Julia, I am so sorry about your situation. I understand how you feel as I have a situation a little bit similar.

My mum died when I was young and my DF remarried. My siblings are older and I rarely see my DF or them. I never get to spend special occasions with them. I often feel lonely, an orphan and like I have no back up or support network. My mum was lovely and would have been a massive support to me.

I also have in-laws that know I have no back up and take advantage of it. They like to come at me in a pack when they don't get their own way. I know that my MIL wouldn't have the guts to speak to me like she has done in the past if my mum had been on the scene because she would have been pulled up on her behaviour. If you pass me a sheet of A3 I can draw a tree of my DHs extended family, cousins of cousins and uncle 4 times removed who lives in Australia. I have to listen to all of their family stories. They on the other hand, after 20 years of my acquaintance, do not know exactly how many siblings I have or what my mum was called because they are not interested. If I ever join in a conversation and say something like "oh my mum used to do that..or my Aunty....." they just look at me blankly and that line ends instantly. They have relished and taken advantage of my isolation in the past.

My in-laws tried to control my DH but over the years the grasp weakened as I became older and more empowered. The only thing I can say to you is that you DO have family. You have your DH and your DC. You have started your own line which will go on and multiply from you. Also you need to surround yourself with good friends. This is what I have done and I have moved the emphasis from being at the mercy of MIL to having a choice of who I can ask to help me. She is not very happy about that! You need to "create" your own network. Your DH also needs a kick up the arse.

Helloitsme15 · 21/10/2015 23:09

CoronaExtra - great post. Thank you. Flowers Flowers

tb · 22/10/2015 18:41

Would it be possible to have counselling/therapy with someone in the UK via skype?

That might help you to find a therapist who 'gets' you. Just an idea.

Original poster
JuliaJuliaJulia · 23/10/2015 13:10

I want to thank everyone who has responded to me, I appreciate it so thank you.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 23/10/2015 22:39

How have the responses made you feel?

Do you now know others understand what it's like, how it feels for you? Because the responses show others know precisely what it is like bcs others are in the same, or similar, position. PLENTY of people in the same position. You are far from alone with this. You may not 'know' them but they exist. Loads and loads and loads of people, across the world. Flowers

Original poster
JuliaJuliaJulia · 24/10/2015 10:19

Springy, I feel that there are people who understand, when people use words like shame and feeling part of you does not exist then I know they know what I am saying.

There is no use expecting anyone I know in RL to understand because they cannot, so I wish I had posted in here before. i have moved over to Stately homes. Thank you everyone again

OP posts:
springydaffs · 24/10/2015 19:02

There are more people than we realise I think! We keep quiet about it don't we? Shame of course - that old goblin! - and fear people won't understand and will pile in with judgements. The comments I hate are 'but they're family! That's just so sad, surely you can turn a blind eye' etc etc. So painful. I would love a family that functioned, wouldn't that be great!

Anyway, glad you've found a home on the Stately homes thread Flowers

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