Narcisstic ex and abusive behaviour towards my son

[Flowerpower41]

Long story here ladies! Thank you for reading this - here goes .....

Ex is narcisstic. Only just discovered this through an online friend. The NPD is a true eye opener and given that this is not going to go away how do I arrange supervised access?

I am minded to just not even bother. He can't afford solicitors and neither can I and there is no such thing as viable legal aid any longer owing to public funds cutbacks as we all know.

I cannot cope with the man he is really bad for my nerves. I am a single parent with no family support and borderline Asperger's - although I work and function and own my own home he is a thorn in my side.

He assaulted our ds on 5 occasions over the past 3 years - my dear only child who means the world to me as I have no other next of kin as such - returned home traumatised and emotional and with marks on his bottom/back/face depending on the occasion - social services were informed but despite one year of removing access unless it was e.g. coffee shop - this has started up again. He is 61 and since I do not foresee this leopard will change his spots I don't think it is good for my ten year boy to even so much as see him ever again.

The problem is ds's family are very good to him on his father's side whereas I only have cousins remaining we all have very distant links and aren't at all close. Everybody lives far and is scattered. My parents are dead and I am an only child.

I have offered him supervised McDonald's meets every couple of months but don't think I can cope with the stress. It is also not healthy for my boy to think this is normal behaviour.

I really don't know what to do about the supervised access. It brings it all back and makes me a bag of nerves even just so much as thinking about it.

Any experience out there of narcisstic exes and physical abuse to their children? The abuse began when ds was all of 7. He was fine before that - he had another child and he then could not manage his stress.

Ds has a very happy relationship with so many of his other siblings who are half siblings and grown up and nice and kind to him. He cannot see them as we live in the middle of the UK these days as we left London 7 years ago. It isn't doable to let ds see them as they live over 100 miles away. His half sister is very sensible - she is 39 and mature and works for a contact centre so knows the ropes. She understands and knows why I am not allowing ds to go back to his family for a few years until the other son is much older and the ex is less stressed. I would then only allow ds to stay at his sister and not his father. However I am not sure how rigid they will be to this arrangement. Ds wishes to keep in touch with them by email/phone and will miss seeing them. It is healthy for him to have family since once I am dead and buried one day he will have nobody if I do not encourage this.

Any views ladies/experiences to share? Thank you so much for your time and trouble, truly appreciated.

But love, your ex isn't abusing his son because he's stressed.

He's abusing his son because he's abusive. Abusers will invent and manufacture anger/excuses to hurt others. They get pleasure from the power of it.

What does your son get out of contact with his father?

If you can't answer that wholeheartedly and positively (removing all other 3rd parties from the equation) then the answer is very telling.

If your son is a used by anyone, you report it and to stop it you make sure that the abuser has no more access.

Have you spoken to your son about what he wants?

There is no reason why he can't keep in contact with his half siblings, he doesn't have to keep contact with his abuser to do this.
The sister who works in a contact centre, does she know what he's done to your son? She could be a powerful ally.

Report the abuse and remove contact.

If a stranger did this to your son, you'd not think twice. This is a man who is supposed to treat his son with love and care..

I know this is hard, but you have to be the one to protect your son.

Have you had any therapy? Freedom programme or the like?

It's not a magic bullet, but it really helps strenghten your boundaries and filter out the bullshit that these manipulative twats spew.

Remember that if your ex is too terrifying for you an adult, to supervise contact, he's way too terrifying and dangerous for a 10 yr old.

Deep breath, you can do this, stand up and say no more.

Thank you for your opinion. I have strong boundaries but I do not need further stress from him. He is highly toxic.

Ds is willing to meet whereas I am not. I will ponder over it.

We would only be meeting every 2-3 months for 2 hours so it isn't as it is every week.

Thanks for the advice ref therapy but I do Buddhist chanting which really helps wellbeing. I haven't been to the weekly meeting in 3 weeks so was feeling the strain. I am going back today. In my exp. it is much more powerful than counselling/therapy etc.

Yes his half sister knows what he has done but given that she grew up with black eyes from him she may think it is relatively minor who knows. I cannot read her mind but from what she implied by email yesterday she does understand the reasons and has offered us to keep in contact any time.

The reason ds cannot go and stay down there at hers is her dad could roll up at the door any moment and start effing and blinding and calling ds names like he has done in the past. She is in a full time job and cannot invigilate.

I do not find the ex terrifying just highly toxic and offputting.

If he's too toxic for you, he's too toxic for a child.

If your son is exposed to a man who abuses him it will cause harm.

I understand your reluctance to do therapy etc, but unless you look specifically at the reasons why you were/are vulnerable to abuse/targeted by an abuser, history very probably will repeat itself.

Also, the buddism will teach you to accept the past and allow it to wash over you somehow, it will not challenge the reasons why it did.

Until you challenge and repair these reasons, you are very likely to have to deal with the fallout of being abused at some point in time. 10 years, 20, or 30 years down the line.

There is no other way to recover from an abusive relationship than to face it head on and deal with the fall out and how you and your make up/background enabled the situation in some way shape or form.

It's not blame, it's about understanding how the decisions we make are influenced but upbringing, environment and circumstance. Understanding your gaps in the armour and knowing your strengths.

You have only just discovered what kind of animal he is. You are at the start of the journey.

Stop the visitation and explain clearly to your son why. The last thing you want is him growing up thinking what his dad does is in any way acceptable, as a father or a man.

You're coming across defensive. Don't be, it will hamper your recovery and endanger your relationship with your son and others.

Thank you for your feedback Hissy. Apologies if coming across defensive.

I have not been in a relationship with my ex for over 10 years, we split up after he slapped me twice. We were only together for 18 months and there was no abuse until those two occasions.

I have always allowed access since there was no abuse to ds until 4 years ago. Everything was perfectly safe.

Just to clarify.

I do not attract abusive men at all.

Yes I don't think it is a good idea to allow access supervised at McDonald's either as he will only make toxic nasty comments to me about what I have done or am doing and I doubt progress can be made. He likes to make hypercritical and demoralising controlling comments aimed at me all the time .... Since exes do play up I did not think much of this as if they had behaved nicely then nobody would have dumped them to begin with!

I know his ways and as for the NPD traits since I haven't been in a relationship with him it was just eye opening that is all - but his name was on the birth certificate so as there was no abuse until 4 years ago there was no issue with access until recently. He had a legal right to see ds.

If anybody has any experiences of an NPD ex then please do share as I would be most interested to hear. I only found out about what NPD actually was when a new friend online mentioned it.

Thank you for reading.

I'm not sure that you need experience of people with a NPD ex. You were only with him for 18 months, ten years ago, you don't even know if he has a diagnosis - when you say you 'discovered this through an online fiend' what do you mean by that? There is nothing to be gained in wasting your mental energies trying to armchair analyse the mind of a man you barely know any more and hardly see.

Don't focus on the possibility NPD. Focus on the fact that he has hit your son until he's bruised, several times. That's all you need to worry about.

Ok, I know where you are at psychologically atm, what I say isn't going to help you at the moment. There are stages you need to pass first.

I suggest that you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

And keep your son away from him.

I will say only this, writ large:

HE BEAT YOUR SON TO THE POINT OF BRUISING HIM, MORE THAN ONCE, 4 YEARS AGO

And you still take him to see him.

My love, you would really benefit from doing the freedom programme.

You can do it online, but I think that it's no way as effective as the in person groups.

Focus on your son, focus on you.

I must reiterate I am NOT IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP I split up from the ex ten years ago.

I will refer him to a contact centre should he wish to have supervised access I won't go through with my McDonald's suggestion. I don't see why I should carry all that stress in my fifites with no family support and not the best of health either......!

Thank you for your input.

I will ask mumsnet to close this thread now because the queries are now resolved.

Until you deal with the abuse suffered, until you are no longer intimidated by him, until you are able to protect your son without worrying about the repercussions, you are very much Under the influence of an abusive man.

Until you deal with this on your own, through therapy, it won't go away.

Even then, you're still going to default to feeling weak, intimidated, scared, or worse a lesser being as a result of their poison.

There are no answers here for you that you want to hear yet.