How to fix this MIL problem? It's making me ill :(

[MILhatesme]

When I first met dp and was about to meet his parents, he warned me about mil, saying she comes a cross as lovely but not to be taken in, as sooner or later she will turn on me and I won't know why. I told him he was mean, but when I was pregnant that's exactly what happened. She told dp I was a gold digger planning to steal his money, that the baby was a trap, that I was making up my sod for sympathy, and all sorts. She was Yen mean to me after he birth, and made a nasty comment about ds name when we called to tell her he was born.

It all blew over and everything was fine and we all seemed to be getting on well.

Fast forward a year and Long story short, MIL has fallen out with us. She has a pattern of doing this and we never really find out why. Normally we just keep going round and ignoring the frosty reception and it also blows over.

This time however she has been making it I possible to sort out. DP will call her asking when we can come round to see her and she will let it go through to voicemail and never return the call. When he calls again asking if she got the message, she will say yes, but she was busy hanging out the washing (which doesn't explain why she doesn't call back). One week he phoned 5 times and left 5 voicemails. She didn't return one. We went round at the weekend and she was obviously looking for an argument as she kept making snippy remarks, then said "you don't care, you haven't even called this week".

I couldn't listen to it anymore when I see how she treats do and how it affects him, and I snapped and told her that I could see exactly what she is doing, picked up our ds and walked out. She has subsequently banned me from her house.

Dp has tried to call her numerous times which always results in her screaming at him.

We have since found out that she has bee going around telling everyone that she doesn't see dp or our ideas"his sons partner has made sure of that, she is a masterpiece of work" which is obviously Not true. She helps at the playgroup where do and I are moving to, and I was hoping to be able to meet other mums, and has apparently been spreading all these lies befoe I even get there. We found this out as I saw one of her friends discussing it on Facebook, and apparently she has been saying this for months, way before she fell out wish us.

Since the falling out, she has been referred for tests as they have found da Mass on an ultrasound, which could be cancer. See is using that as a reason to not speak to dp saying she isn't coping well with her cancer scare and he should just get on with his life. But we know she has also told people she has to go through it alone as I stop him speaking to her. He tried to go to a hospital appointment with her so she wasn't alone and she screamed in front of everyone in the waiting room and said that I was an embarrassment.

She has told him tonight that he has made his choice by being with me and choosing me over his own mother.

I don't know what to do,the stress of it is making me feel I'll as I can't eat or sleep. I've not asked anyone to choose.there is no choice as far as I'm concerned, I want everyone to get on and ds to see his grandma.

The obvious answer would be to go NC, but we can't do that to someone having a cancer scare, and even if that turns out to be nothing, we will basically be doing what she has accused us of.I just don't know what to do.
Please help :(

MILHATESME your MIL doesn't hate you she hates anyone that her DC are married to.
I've been married for 20 years, NC for over 8 (I did see her just over 5 years ago, she sent over a flying monkey but I didn't engage).
She (& FM) sent a nasty letter to DH saying, "She's taken you away from me." She said to me once, "you're taking my son away from me you are."
It took me years to learn to step back & let DH communicate with her. When he had to, guess what.....he went NC too!
Step back, she's not your problem, she's your partner's problem poor sod.
It's not up to you to contact her, it's up to him.
At the moment, she pulls your rope & you tug back hard. For her it's, "Yippeee, game on!"
Next time she pulls at the rope by nasty comments or by temporarily being out of contact, don't respond. Let go of the rope. She's not your problem.

Dear me, she not worth losing sleep and food over! She is a hideously manipulative woman, isn't that obvious? She'll drag you into the grave if you'll let her - and then she'll move onto her next victim, then the next. Bottomless pit, never flagging, never giving up, never stopping.

It's not personal! She'd do it to anybody - and has. Why are you so hooked up to her? Genuine question - what is it that causes you to be so invested in her. Is it bcs everyone else has abandoned her and you want to be different?

I can't understand why your oh is repeatedly calling her - 5 times a week is excessive if all you get is hideousness upon hideousness. Is he suffering from FOG (fear obligation guilt), common with children of disordered parents.

Really, step right back. She totally isn't worth the angst. She's got you in her web - step away, disentangle yourself.

Please read the stately homes threads on this board .

You are trying to fix something that doesnt want fixing. Its not your job to fix her.
Think if a friend treated you this way, you would get the message.
She is not going to change for you or anyone else.
Stop trying to fix things, she is never going to be the GP you want her to be.

Just stop trying. I can't understand why you would want to have a relationship with her anyway. And for the love of God don't move closer to her. I live in the same small town as my completely pots-for-rags MIL and I'm forever having to explain to people that most of what she says about me is completely from her imagination and has no grounding in reality whatsoever.

The issue is this OP: you have married her son and taken him away from her. Then you had a baby and taken him away even more. With all her games, when it boiled down to it, your DP will then choose her to appease her you you and your DC. He did the right thing and chose the latter.

She will not change. She will say whatever. Please look after yourself and your family.

You're playing into her hands aren't you?

running round ringing her time and time again and she won't answer.

She's got you both on a bit of string and she's playing you like puppets.

Are you sure about the cancer scare? (I know this sounds mean but it's not unheard of for people to make this stuff up just to keep you in line) Unless you or your DP has been IN THE ROOM where a medical professional has mentioned it I wouldn't necessarily believe it.

And for gods sake don't move closer to her.

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Google Out of the FOG website to gen up on personality disorders/being chewed up by said personality-disordered/tips/symptoms (both personality-disordered and victim).

Not least look at FOG - fear, obligation, guilt: the universal symptom, hallmark, of those who are caught in the web of the personality-disordered who refuse to take responsibility for their behaviour* and chew up everyone around them.

[*not all personality-disordered refuse to take responsibility for their behaviour.]

Out of the FOG website

Btw how do you think so many of us on here know so much about this. Too much . Age been victims somewhere along the line and have the scars to prove it .

You're not going to love her to health - it doesn't work like that. This stuff is a whole other league, waaaay out of normal bounds. There are times when love DOES NOT conquer all. Boundaries are where it's at - to manage it, not conquer it. Serious, rigid, unequivocal boundaries btw - it's the only way.

• we've been victims

Just a quick update:

To the people who said the cancer scare was made up. You were right.

and in the mean time, our toddler has had tissue removed, which turned out to be cancerous. he is going in to have more surgery this week.

When DP spoke to her today, she said "if there is anything i can do to make this easier for you, just say"

Dp said "yes you could stop causing a rift in my family and put this petty grudge aside.

apparently she cant do this, as she is still very hurt. And she said that if the results are really bad it is DSs last xmas, she will think about coming, but other than that no.

We are going NC.

she said WHAT?

Fucking hell!! That is beyond the pale saying that.

I'm sorry to hear that your baby is ill, have you got other family and friends who will support you ? You don't need anyone toxic in your lives right now, you need all your energy to deal with your sons illness .

Wow. This is definitely someone you need to cut out of your life, the only way to deal with someone like that is to be absolutely cut throat. What a vile disgusting woman to say that about your DS. And making up cancer scares vile bitch I feel so bad for your DH with a mother like that. Unfortunately my MIL is very similar - she actually had cancer but it was early and very treatable. However between her and ex wife they told my DH and TWO CHILDREN that her condition was terminal (we have no contact with PIL at all) to say it to a grown man is awful but to tell two kids their grandma is dying is absolutely disgraceful and unforgivable.
So sorry your little one is poorly, cannot imagine how you must be feeling and this horrid woman is the last thing you need. Cut her off and stick to your guns

Very sorry to hear about your DS, OP. I hope his treatment is successful and that you enjoy many more Christmasses together.

WHAT.THE.FUCK

How fucking DARE she say that

She's a bitch. An absolute bitch. NC is most definitely the right course of action.

Right - putting the stupid bitch to the side - how is Ds? Where is it/where is he having surgery sweetheart?

Sending you an enormous and most unMNetty

Hi, sorry for delayed responses, I have been doing bedtime (teething so not eager to sleep!)

Thanks for your responses everyone. Its a relief to know that Im not mean going NC as DP has been ready to cut her off for years now and its always me that tries to smooth it over.

We do have other family around us, as her and FIL are divorced and he is lovely.

The lump was on his scrotum, and supposed to be a cyst, but histology tests after its removal said it was more like an atypical mole, but it was malignant. Had they known what they were dealing with they'd have taken a margin around it to check for it in the surrounding tissue, but as they thought it was a cyst they didnt. They are doing on wednesday, and also as the lymph nodes in his groin are larger, theyre removing one to test it.

I'm so sorry about your toddler. It sounds like you are in very capable hands.

I agree with going NC. Take strength from each other xx

OP, you're in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope that DS is alright and it hasn't gone into his lymph nodes. God Bless

Thanks. I actually feel relieved at the thought of not having to out up with her. It had got to the point I was having panic attacks whenever dp was trying to speak to her.

It's him I feel sorry for, that his own mum can't even support him at a time like this.

She's evil OP, no question, and NC is most definitely the right decision.

I wish you all the best for you and your DS

Poor poor MIL - she will be livid that DS actually has cancer and is upstaging her.

My own DM is exactly like this so I totally understand - please do stay away from her, no matter what she says and does, she will never change and she is toxic to you, your DH and your DC.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Hopefully she will do you a favour by cutting you out. If you are going to be busy with DS you will be no use to her attention wise anyway.

I hope your son makes a full recovery and that next year is a much better year for all of you.