help me to phrase "do the bloody washing up"

[ChilledAndPleasant]

Ok, going to keep the scope narrow here - please help me list the reasons that DH is being a shit by not washing the dishes and/or only washing the mug of bowl that he uses despite being asked with various degrees of gentle humour and raging demon. He is at home during the day at the moment working at the kitchen table, approximately 6 feet from the sink.

"Not doing the washing up shows:

• me you value your own time above mine since if you don't do it, I have to
• the kids that if I ask you to do something, it's fine not to if you are 'too busy'
• despite the fact that I have told you it upsets me, you don't care to do it so place your own disinclination to do it above my feelings about it "

He does seem to need it spelled out. Sometimes it doesn't bother me as it's usually not a lot (just breakfast stuff) but the principle of ignoring it despite me telling him I would like it done and it should be done bugs me.

It's the oldest bloody domestic in the book but I've seen the principle explained well here and I seem to be too wordy in my list.

And no, I won't LTB. He has redeeming features but this is annoying me and he doesn't seem to get it. (He did grow up in a house with a daily cleaner and a stay at home mum who is somewhat spoiled but also lived at uni and in shared flats for a long time)

What does he say when he's asked to do it?
Does he pull his weight domestically otherwise?

He mostly says "I was busy". Which, frankly, doesn't cut it.
The washing up is the only real sticking point.

is he working at home or just at home not working?

He has work to do but he's not working from home as such. It's stuff he can do in his own time. Either way, 'busy' doesn't cut it. If he wanted to find the time, he would and he could.
He often has naps, for example. He boiled himself an egg- could have washed a dish or two while doing that. He is not so rushed off his feet that he can't do it. I get it done when I get home, with the kids, after my day's work and I sort their lunches and stuff too. If it needs doing, you do it, right? So he doesn't think it needs doing despite my wish for him to do it and despite the fact that I end up doing it if he doesn't. It's not fair or respectful. It's pretty selfish, as I see it!
I have told him that it's akin to not keeping communal spaces at work clean so they can be used by all. Or not taking care of gym equipment (his hobby) -it's necessary to keep things ticking over, it's selfish not to do it and it's teaching the DC's that if they are asked to do something and dinner do it, I'll eventually pick up the slack and that's why I am frustrated about it.
ended on a slightly light-hearted note.

Save your voice and your energy, get a dishwasher, and teach the dc how to load and unload it.

Chucking a few quid their way every week will be cheaper than getting a cleaner and once they've learned how to operate one appliance without causing chaos they can move on to mastering the washing machine/drier, and other domestic equipment, and work their through to making their own packed lunches and, eventually, cooking a family meal.

After all, you don't want your dc growing up to be like their lazyarsed df, do you?

Hide all the dishes so he can't mess them up while you're at work. I'd just tell him to f ing do it. I'm sure if his boss told him to do something he would do it.

Is he employed full-time?

Just ignore him. And be too busy to do his laundry.

My son is 16. He's been doing his own laundry for about 2 years because I got fed up of reminding him to put his clothes in the wash and him still not doing it. I gave him one final chance to do it or he'd have to do it himself and so now he does it himself.

You need to take a similar approach.

Stop doing it yourself. Just leave it pile up in the sink and see what happens. Also stop doing anything else for him, claiming to be too busy.

He thinks the washing up is beneath him, that's why he's not doing it.

Agree with above. Get a dishwasher. Failing that, pile his up.

So he's at home and you're out at work, why isn't he sorting out the kids' lunches and stuff?

Is it your breakfast and the kids breakfast stuff that he doesn't do?
But he does his own?
And this is while you prepare the ds's food for school?
Who does the dishes after other meals?
Is the rest of the housework shared fairly?

Yeah, he's not doing it because he can't be bothered. Because washing up is noring and disgusting and no one really wants to do it.

It's not because he's "too busy" or because he's a man and doesn't 'see' the mess or any other trite nonsense. Because I can pretty much guarantee that if you were a sahm and came home to find the housework not done, he'd b able to see every little thing then!

He's not doing it because he doesn't want to, you will and there's no consequence to him not doing it.

• boring

I would pile all the dishes up in his place at the kitchen table and tell him he gets his dinner when they're clean

Don't argue about why he did nit do it, as that is in the past and cannot be changed.

Instead say: the washing up still needs to be done, can you do that whilst I bathe thekids/do mytax form/do the laundry

This is (clearly) not a feminist or "right" way to get him to do it, but it is what works with my DH.

dishwashers save many marriages

It is quite a bit of hassle to load and unload the dishwasher. If he's that lazy then a machine won't solve your problem.

SIt him down one evening and explain that you don't like doing the washing up either and you've had enough of him getting what he wants and you not- ask him if he thinks it's fair. Ask him why he thinks it's ok for him to just leave things that need doing. Ask him if he has thought about what would happen if you did the same.

Lay it all out clearly and logically. He'll be left with no choice but to either admit you've got a point, or wiggle and squirm and admit that he puts his own feelings about yours and the children's need for a clean home and clean plates to have their dinner off.

Maybe he'll see the error of his ways and decide to reform. Or maybe you'll be less keen to stay with him regardless if he admits he puts his own wants above his children's hygiene needs.

Go on strike.
Do stuff for yourself and the DC, but not for him.
When he complains, use the reasons he gives you to explain.
You can both be too busy.

Thank you sotonwere - that is a useful response!
Others- most of that ground has been covered- no room for a dishwasher and I hate them and he would probably be shite about that anyway. He is not employed at the moment but that's irrelevant- have asked him to do it, told him it is shit of him not to and he still has not bothered. He does his own laundry. If I leave the dishes in the sink, they stay there for days.

He has admitted he has been an arse about the dishes after I texted him (as mentioned up thread) with comparisons to work and the gym.
Just have to remember to make a big fuss now assuming he follows through and actually does dishes.

So he's not been 'too busy' to do the dishes, he is deliberately not doing them because you asked him to?

And now if he does do them you have to make a big fuss about the fact that he's finally completed a minor household chore?

Why isn't he doing more stuff at home if he's not working currently?

Tripbot - he is not doing them 'cause he couldn't be arsed and uses "too busy" or "i was working" as an excuse.

The big fuss will help, yes, that's fairly basic psychology, no?! I don't have to but it's a good idea to reinforce the whole thing.

He has admitted he was being an arse.
There is no issue over what other stuff he is or isn't doing while he is unemployed.