When you're just pissing each other off ALL the bloody time...

[Onelegtoofew]

...can it be sorted, or is this the beginning of the end?

Dp and I just seem to be in a bad place at the moment, and I don't know how to get us back on track. He's just stormed out of the room because - I assume - I've said the wrong thing again. We've only just started talking again after yesterday when we spent the entirety of a five-hour train journey in silence because I'd pissed him off the night before. Earlier in the week I was angry with him because I feel as if he's taking me for granted etc etc and we didn't speak for two days.

I'm just really fed up. We've been together only 4 years and I thought this was, finally, the one that was going to last. I had even entertained the notion of marriage! But recently we just seem incapable of spending more than a couple of days without one of us getting in a strop with the other, and I am starting to wonder if we really have a future together. The thought of spending another X years with one or other of us in 'moods' half the time is horrendous.

We are both good people, not perfect, but good. We both have our good points and our faults. He drives me up the wall at times and I know that I'm not always easy to live with. I hate the thought that this might be another failed relationship. I hate the thought of breaking up. But it's starting to feel very familiar and I don't know how to stop the rot.

Part of me just thinks, fuck it. Life is too short to be walking on eggshells. The other part thinks, relationships have their ups and downs and you should work at it. He's a good man, ds really likes him, it's just a phase, etc etc. It just feels like the times when we're enjoying each other's company are getting fewer and fewer and the times when we're pissed off/irritated with each other are more frequent.

I just can't bear the thought of another bloody night spent on the edge of the bed with our backs to each other.

He does work full time, and in a job which I respect and admire him for doing. It is good that I earn more, definitely. But I do more of everything. It is not an equal partnership in many ways. But we've had this conversation before and maybe, it occurs to me, we won't ever be equals on the same footing, really, because we were at such massively different stages in our lives when we met. I do love him but maybe some of the fundamental differences are too great. I don't know.

Sorry, am off on a tangent now. Thanks to everyone who has posted, you have made me think.

In answer to your question OP, I just mean 4 years is relatively early days in a long term relationship, and you are not a bitch for wanting a more healthier relationship, it sounds very draining and weary.

I also think it's concerning that you are not equals, not quite sure why not.

Sulking and punishing are not good signs of a relationship lasting forever I'm afraid. I get why he wont consider counselling but you both need to sit down and try a new approach and hopefully better communication.

Taking all the responsibility for his actions as well as your own is not the way forward, you are both to blame by the sounds of it.

Both have to want to change, I hope he does.

I used to be a grade one sulker because I found it an effective weapon. I did learn it from childhood. However I stopped when I came up against a bloke who said' right if you are going to have that jib on your face, then I am off' and he meant it.
I think you both have got yourself into a spiral of tit for tat and it is going nowhere.
However you have the will to stop this.
You say that you want to be desired, then make yourself desirable. Your DP probably would like to be desired as well.
If I am not particularly in the mood, but know I will get going and it will benefit us both, ( making love brings us closer together) I go and have a shower, get myself perfumed up, listen to some songs in the shower that remind me of my youth and make me feel sexy. Put some lube on and shout down stairs, ' hey big boy' come and have a look at what a surprise I have for you' or something equally ridiculous.
He hotfoots it up stairs to find his chubby wife squeezed into a body with a fake flower between my teeth. In between laughing we have 'hot' sex. Well, as much as two creaky old married people can have.
My idea is to be as happy as possible and to make him as happy as possible.
You are an intelligent person, make a plan and go for it.
Hugs....all is not lost

It sounds to me like you have completely legitimate gripes about the relationship that he responds to immaturely. If he simply won't talk about things there's nothing you can do. Your only options are to suck it up and live exactly how he wants or leave.

hole bless you, you are funny and great advice up thread too.

I spent over 20 years in a marriage like that. It was a dreadful mistake, for us and for our child. Don't repeat my error.

The OP says she wants to continue with this relationship and wants suggestions as TO HOW IT CAN BE IMPROVED. Not to be told to get shut of him.
Unlike a lot of posts she is admitting to being arsey herself.
When someone you live with does something you don't like you have a choice.
You can say in a arsey voice ' FFS what the F did you do that for?
Or you can say nothing, because you are living with someone who is NOT YOU and give them the benefit of the doubt, ( about their reasons for thinking differently) because they are NOT YOU.
Or you can think about what they have done and bring it up in a calm manner, later when you have thought.
I know which approach gets a solution.
I live with someone and I want to be respected. They also want to be listened to, and be respected. It takes TWO.
Nasty behaviour has a knock on effect.