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Original poster

The nicer he is the farther they run. .

73 replies

bridie69 · 19/10/2015 21:04

DS is 27, handsome, intelligent, good job etc. He just moved to Dublin with work. He really loves Ireland and his new life there. But he hadn't had much luck romantically. I think he is just way too nice. I as a feminist Mum take some responsibility for this. Ideas?

OP posts:
MrPorky · 19/10/2015 22:34

Is it possible the women "run" when they discover his mum is so involved in his personal life?

A bloke who loves and respects his mum is great. A man who involves her in the details of his relationships, not so much.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 19/10/2015 22:34

Calla this reminded me of that thread too.

OP, women not liking nice me is a total fallacy. So, either he's not as good looking as you think, or he's trying to punch above his weight and getting nowhere, he's socially awkward, or he's not that nice. Alternatively, maybe he's getting plenty of action, he's just not telling you about it because you're his mother. Whichever of those things it is, having a DM who is over invested in his love/sex life is not going to do him any favours at all.

If he has friends and a social life, let him get on with it. If he's struggling to make friends at all, then this isn't about women not liking him for being too nice is it?

WorzelsCornyBrows · 19/10/2015 22:35

me = men ! Blush

CoteDAzur · 19/10/2015 22:51

Exactly what TRexing said.

How you call yourself a feminist and talk in the same breath about your golden son being "too nice" for women is beyond me.

He is 26 ffs. Butt out of his sex life.

TRexingInAsda · 19/10/2015 22:53

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, and I do wish your son the best. However, you do give the impression that, to you, your son is the person and the women are something that's there for him - as something he needs or deserves. Women are people too.

I'm sure he deserves to be happy, but he doesn't deserve to just have some nice woman come along with the sole purpose of making him happy - the woman is her own person (and she's someone's child too). She deserves to be happy as much as he does, and she can pick whoever she wants to go out with, whether that be your son or someone else. I hope that when he does meet someone, you'll be interested in (both of) their happiness, not just his.

Original poster
bridie69 · 19/10/2015 23:11

Firstly no I am NOT anything to do with someone posting about her son's virginity.

I did not mean to make a link between the fact that he has been brought up to respect women and his love life. I hope the former would only help with the latter if anything.

It is quite hard to be a good DM to a son when you lose your partner aged 43, son 19 DD 13. I hope & think I did an ok job. I relied on this young man too much for stupid stuff like driving, childcare etc 8 years ago now am I happy if he is happy. I don't want him to be bad and I am proud to be a feminist.

OP posts:
PrancingQueen · 19/10/2015 23:19

I think you sound lovely OP.
But don't worry, as PPs have said, there are way more single women than men in Dublin, he'll meet someone eventually.
And agree, Coppers is the place to go Wink

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 23:46

I'm sure that he's way more mature than average bridie. You got a hard time here.

IrishDad79 · 20/10/2015 00:01

Copper face jacks is an absolute dive of a nightclub in Dublin, I wouldn't go near the place and certainly not for a "relationship". Dublin has a good social scene on Thursdays and Fridays for people who head out after work. If he makes good friends at work he'll have a good social life, and if he meets different girls, great. He's only 27, he's still a young lad.

IrishDad79 · 20/10/2015 00:17

I also think a lot of people are being harsh on the op here, the first couple of posts in this thread affirmed her view that a lot of women (please note: "not ALL women") in their 20s are more attracted to the "players" but only gravitate toward the nice guys once they move into their 30s and are looking to "settle down". There has to be some element of truth to the theory so why flame the op over it.

anothernumberone · 20/10/2015 00:22

There has to be some element of truth to the theory so why flame the op over it

No their doesn't. I seem to have leapt right over the 'player' phase so while I might have met guys who were not a suitable long term match for me most of them were actually nice guys.

PatrickPolarBear · 20/10/2015 00:28

Agree people are being hard on you, OP. Your post was a little unclear though and your most recent post helps me see where you are coming from. It seems from what you say, you relied a lot on your DS after your husband died, he was mature and kind enough to be a good son and to be there for you but you are now feeling guilty that maybe you leaned on him too much, affecting his relationships with women.

Don't feel guilty about your reliance on your son for help when he was younger. He was 19 and so I'm sure he was old enough to have told you at the time if he resented it. His current difficulties meeting someone are unlikely to be related to anything you did as a mother.

27 is a difficult age - most college relationships that lasted are now heading towards marriage but those that didn't commit in college are probably still happy to play the field for a while longer. In my experience, friends that weren't committed by 27 didn't tend to meet Mr or Ms Right until their early or mid 30s. He is still only 27!! He has time on his side - especially as a guy. And he has just moved country for work so it'll take him a while to find his feet.

I wouldn't panic. He will find someone eventually I'm sure. Find some hobbies, make lots of friends and relationships will build naturally out of that.

Maverick66 · 20/10/2015 00:57

I know exactly what u mean OP. My daughter is. 23 and would love a boyfriend but just can't meet anyone. Her friends all have boyfriends which means she has no one to do things with such as cinema theatre etc.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 20/10/2015 01:17

My friend dated a very nice man for a bit - he was so nice he didn't want to accidentally pressure her into anything so every time he asked her out he'd say "but only if you want to" etc.

She felt he wasn't that interested in her, so when somebody else came along (and he was much more flirty/direct) she chose him instead.

So I think you can be so considerate it comes across as indifferent...

In your case though, he's only just moved there. Give it some time Smile Perhaps he could think about online dating? Then at least everybody's on the same page.

Or perhaps he just isn't bothered at the moment? New country, new job, that's enough to be going on with without adding in a new relationship!

GiraffesAndButterflies · 20/10/2015 02:10

I did not mean to make a link between the fact that he has been brought up to respect women and his love life

If that's the case OP then you went a bit astray with your choice of thread title! Smile

I am sure there are plenty of posters who will massively sympathise with the frustration of having to watch from the sidelines while their DC looks for a partner and the entire female/male population seemingly doesn't know a good thing when they see it. But you've asked for advice essentially on how to interfere in your DS's life. He's not long moved and you haven't said anything about him actually asking you for help. There's no problem to solve here except that you need to sit on your hands and be patient.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 20/10/2015 02:26

Well, he'll meet someone sooner or later won't he? I expect you want him to meet a woman who is right for him, and not just the first available warm body. Finding someone you click with takes time.

But I don't know any feminists who complain 'The nicer he is, the farther they run'. That sounds suspiciously like it could be leading up to 'If he was a bastard, they'd be all over him.' Women do not run from genuinely nice men.

brokenhearted55a · 20/10/2015 02:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimishimmi · 20/10/2015 03:03

So I think you can be so considerate it comes across as indifferent...

This. Also, as a person of Irish heritage on both sides, we tend to even still be very, very wary of the English especially when it comes to relationships.

pleasemakeitbetter · 20/10/2015 03:27

I would also tend to agree that there is very little truth in the idea that women are in any way put off by niceness and if he is genuinely trying and trying and getting nowhere then it's likely down to something completely different (not ruling out simple bad luck). I think the myth has arisen from the whole "he's a nice guy but.." thing, which isn't a complaint about a man's niceness, rather a complaint about the absence of the other qualities a woman might be looking for. I've met plenty of nice, kind, good-looking, intelligent men whose company I nevertheless find pretty hard work and plenty of the same type of man who is great company but just not for me for whatever reason.

I've come across a similar scenario in the comments section of various dating blogs where men attribute their lack of success with women to the fact that they're not successful enough, don't earn enough money etc. In reality they have very rarely actually asked any of the women who haven't wanted to pursue things with them what their reasons were (and even if they have they may have got a false reason - noone wants to tell someone they simply find them excruciatingly irritating or dull for example).

But can I ask if the "the nicer he is the farther they run" is based on any concrete examples he's given you OP? Maybe we're all wrong.

P.S. Evan Marc Katz does a dating blog that tackles the nice guy myth every so often, although sometimes just in the comment sections of other posts.

PatrickPolarBear · 20/10/2015 05:04

Wouldn't necessarily agree with that, mimi! The English guys I knew in college (in Ireland) had plenty of women after them They were viewed as a bit of a novelty, a change from the local guy with an intimidating mother and 5 sisters doing his GAA training on weekends Grin

That said though, yes, English people may need to tread carefully when in Ireland. Feelings can run high...Dublin is definitely easier than a rural location though.

Original poster
bridie69 · 20/10/2015 06:17

Well I can safely say my thread title was a bad one. I cannot possibly say exactly what his life is like now as he is a grown man and I don't have cctv on him 24 hours per day. But I think I can safely say he is very unlikely to be " an utter that with women". I do feel a bit bad that I now know he felt pressurised to stay at home longer than he would otherwise because of me losing DH and being a bit of a mess. He does respect women and he is very very shy. I am very happy about the former and somewhat sad about the latter. I don't know what to say about his looks which some have mentioned as being perhaps not as good as I think other than to say clearly I can't objectively judge other than to say I don't think this is his issue holding him back. I met a few new people myself through OLD and just normal life recently which I've enjoyed but it's struck me how much 45-60 year old men witter on nostalgically about their philandering twenties. I certainly don't wish this for DS, I wld just like him to meet someone nice as I wish for DD too albeit she really IS fighting them off with a stick and her only trouble will be selecting the right person for her. He was at home with us until age 24 and I feel a bit responsible for that.

OP posts:
RudyMentary · 20/10/2015 06:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrPorky · 20/10/2015 07:02

Ime, admittedly from a few pov, these thing "just happen" when you stop looking/trying so hard

If he concentrates on enjoying his new life and having fun meeting all sorts of people, someone will notice how interesting and nice he is.

Nice is good, but nice on it's own probably isn't enough

IrishDad79 · 20/10/2015 07:52

Anothernumberone
"No their doesn't. I seem to have leapt right over the 'player' phase so while I might have met guys who were not a suitable long term match for me most of them were actually nice guys."
_

Just because it's not your own personal experience, doesn't mean the phenomenon doesn't exist. The relationship section of this forum alone Ty is surely testament to the fact that many women fall for the "wrong 'un".

anothernumberone · 20/10/2015 07:53

Well irishdad would you like to provide some evidence so.