Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

getting over it

23 replies

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 16:13

I hope this isn't too long, apologies if it is! Earlier this year I found out my DH had been emailing another woman, up to and more than 20+ a day just chatting. I've seen the emails and they weren't sexual at all, more chatting and a bit flirty but I felt they crossed the line. Gave DH several chances to tell me but had a variety of responses ranging from 'you're paranoid' to an all out lie and denial of contact, until I said what I knew from my snooping then we got talking about it. I have his Facebook and email logins and I do believe it when he tells me there's no contact now.

My birthday a while ago passed with No song and dance; whilst I don't expect loads a cake and card from the DC wouldn't go amiss. I thought he would make more of an effort given our past difficulties this year.

I have considered leaving as I don't feel the trust is there, we were doing ok but the birthday has set me back a bit.

Has anyone been through anything similar and had a marriage survive? Do I just need to give it time? He is trying to help things be better.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 19/10/2015 16:25

My answer would rely on your answer to this...

He is trying to help things be better. How?

RiceCrispieTreats · 19/10/2015 16:25

In what way is he trying to help things be better?

He's the one who had the emotional affair. You can only "get over it" if he does his part: acknowledging the affair and his responsibility, answering all your questions, allowing you time and space in which to be hurt and angry, ...

If you're just expected to "get over it" on your own, over something that's now being swept under the carpet, then no of course that won't work.

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 16:34

He is being more attentive, helping round the house more and trying to organise chances for us to have a bit more alone time, even just watching a film or similar one night a week - no phones, no work etc.

He has a hobby that he was in a class with this girl for. He's since changed to a completely different one and has no contact with the old group. Also deleted woman from Facebook.

He answers my questions but maintains it was 'nothing' and she didn't mean anything - think I'm struggling with why you would lie to your wife and jeopardise your family over nothing.

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 19/10/2015 16:38

I'm struggling with why you would lie to your wife and jeopardise your family over nothing.

That's not a struggle you need to have on your own, you know. Put it to him. Put him in front of his responsibility. Ask him to acknowledge your feelings. Do it in the safe space of couple's counselling if you think that would help.

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 16:53

I have put it to him, he says he doesn't know. Guess I'll keep asking until I get the answer! Even if he admits to fancying her I'd feel better as I would understand it all better. Getting over it is the wrong term really, I more mean have many people moved past something like this? I'm

OP posts:

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 16:54

Ricecrispie counselling is definitely an option, haven't looked into it or discussed it with DH yet.

OP posts:

LucySnow12 · 19/10/2015 17:44

He does seem to have taken some action to distance himself from the OW which is positive. I think he really needs to explore why he carried on with her - probably enjoyed the attention. I'd get the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends". I think you can come back from this but it takes effort. Have you told him you were disappointed with the lack of birthday celebration? Try to communicate and appreciate each other more. Of course, he needs to be making the greater effort. Good luck.

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 17:46

He is making an effort think it will just take time

OP posts:

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 17:47

And Lucysnow thanks, I'll check that book out!

OP posts:

Jan45 · 19/10/2015 17:52

20 times a day and he calls that nothing!

He's being incredibly cagey, you need to get to the root cause of why he felt it OK to do this, what happens next time....?

No trust - no relationship.

Bloody cheek, you decide if and or when, you get over it.

winkywinkola · 19/10/2015 17:54

Well how long did you say it was going on for?

I can imagine how this sort of thing can start without anything seeming untoward.

But as it progresses, then even the most unaware, naive person would think about it being secret etc.

It could have just been childish ego stroking. Wholly inappropriate and people do split up over things like this.

H and I did for a while but then I think he wasn't naive. Just mad and a wanker. He had a breakdown about three months after I found the emails.

So you have to decide what kind of a person your h is to do this. Is he normally deceitful and untrustworthy? Does he understand the massive boundaries he crossed? Does he get how he had risked everything and has hurt you terribly?

winkywinkola · 19/10/2015 17:55

And his saying he doesn't know why is lame. It's not good enough. He has to work harder to win you back.

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 18:04

Winky I think it was probably a bit of egostroking and attention. Young baby and issues with me post birth meant he was very much ignored for a while; it's no excuse for him, which he knows and I've told him and he agrees with, but it was most likely a factor. I'm inclined to think it was a bit of stupidity- together 12 years, 2 DCs and no problems with trust or talking in the past. Think that's why I'm struggling a bit with it as it's just not something I thought I'd have to deal with - and I've said as much to him.

Generally he's very trustworthy. He knows I think don't agree with his summary of it being nothing, and knows my reasoning why. Bit more talking needed methinks to move on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 18:05

Oh and he knew her for about 6/7 months, was only in the space of a month or 2 that they started communicating more. I had a hunch as he had stopped mentioning her when talking of his hobby

OP posts:

Jan45 · 19/10/2015 18:07

Well he aint trusthworthy anymore OP.

He should be moving heaven and earth to win you back, he should be shitting himself that you are going to end it with him, he's shown you by his actions that he is more than capable.

Did you seek solace elsewhere, no, and I doubt, if there were 20 contacts made a day that he has told you the whole sorry story.

winkywinkola · 19/10/2015 18:37

Ask him how it happened?

Is she married too?

If she is then say you will be showing her h or p the emails.

I would say that perhaps it would be better if he left for a while given that

It is better that he properly shits his pants over this.

LucySnow12 · 19/10/2015 19:53

I think you were very lucky to stop the affair so early on. It's a bad sign when they suddenly stop mentioning the OW. It means a boundary has been crossed. What made your H cross that boundary?

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 19:57

He's not trustworthy now no, as I keep pointing out to him.

She has a DP, and as I say there's nothing beyond mild flirting in the emails - I'm confident I've seen them all; he didn't know I was snooping so had a bit of time to go through them. He's also quite lax with his phones so I don't think he's hiding anything now - I'm free to go through everything as and when I like.

I think he knew I wouldn't like how much contact there was, quite rightly! But as I've said before to him if you don't think your DW will like it then you clearly shouldn't be doing it!

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 19/10/2015 20:00

Well, it was secret. That's the problem.

I don't think her partner would like to read them, not least the sheer volume.

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 20:03

Winky that's my problem yes, the fact it was secret and the fact he lied to my face about it.

Think I need to sit and have a chat tonight!

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 19/10/2015 20:06

Well, you ask him as much as you want. Go over it every which way you feel the need. Do not let him dismiss you as going on about it too much. He fucked up. He brought this woman into your marriage. If he wants to make amends, then he has to deal with the fallout.

Should you feel you can forgive and move past it (in a matter of months or whatever), then don't go on about it again. It will take a long time for trust to build.

Is he contrite at all? Or just dismissive?

Original poster

Tortandgrab · 19/10/2015 20:10

Oh he's very contrite and has apologised and taken responsibility for how I feel and his actions - without that he'd have been out!

Reassuring to know that it will take a long time and that I'm normal for moving past what happened yet.

OP posts:

LucySnow12 · 19/10/2015 20:43

Tort, search for some past affair threads on MN. You will discover that a cheaters behaviour is so predictable there is a Script. They all minimise and deny until you present them with facts. It takes many months to rebuild trust but from what you've written it seems your H is trying hard.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread