Should we tell our kids we got together as a result of an affair?

[TruthBeTold0]

I'm a namechanging regular.

DP and I have 2 young kids together so this issue is still a way off however it occasionally pops into my head and I'd like some advice.

We have been together a few years, and were friends for about 10+ years before that. I was married and he was single when we started seeing each other. I then left my husband for DP and we've gone on to have two children together. Neither of us have any other children.

I've been lied to by my parents over the years to try and save my feelings over things, although I suspect it was more to do with it being easier for them to keep things from me or outright lie than have to tell me the truth. Things have come out over the years and I've subsequently found out the truth and it's made me come to the conclusion that it's better to tell your kids the truth.

DP and I have discussed the fact that the kids will probably ask us how we met/got together at some point and DP doesn't want to tell them the truth. I don't particularly either due to the circumstances and what our kids opinion of it will be. BUT this obviously goes against what I've just said about not lying to your kids and I know that the reason we wouldn't tell them would only be to protect ourselves. So I absolutely think we should tell them when the time comes but I'm worried about how they'll take it and what they'll think of us/relationships.

I want to use it as an opportunity to tell them that, yes, it has worked out between us however it was horrendous at the time and the hurt we caused is something we'll never make peace with. Nothing could have prepared either of us for the fall out and the events that unfolded as a result of the decision(s) we made. I want them to know that we do not condone it and if we could do it all over again, we would do things differently.

I'd like opinions on if we'd be doing the right thing in telling them and, if so, how we should go about it?

I think the opposite to you op.

Speaking from bitter experience this would possibly just upset and be a burden to your children. I certainly lost some respect for certain people.

It's not worth it just to make yourself feel better that your not lying to them.

To be honest it was ten years ago, there are no step siblings that could tell them. Unless it comes up on your everyday conversations I can't see how it would 'come out'.

Telling them wouldn't really serve any purpose.

That is a very good point daisy. I definitely do not want to burden them with that. I just don't want them to think badly of us and for them to know it's not something we're proud of (the circumstances anyway). However we are very happy with each other and we wouldnt have had them otherwise so I can't ever regret that.

My parents got together as drunk teenagers, Got married as my mum was pregnant .... they made a relationship out of what sounds like (to some) a bad start. I've known that (to varying degrees) all my life. It's fine. There's even a wedding picture of my mum holding her empire line dress in under the bump (me).

By which, I mean children are more likely as adults to consider the circumstances as less than perfect. As children they just accept as is. As long as it's not romanticised (which my gran tried) it's possible to understand the success of the relationship as being one of teamwork etc over the potential fsllout.

My husband and I got together at a time when I was married to someone else and he had a live-in partner. Both of us were miserable in our existing relationships--my ex-husband was emotionally abusive and having psychotic episodes in which he was totally disconnected from reality, his girlfriend was a serious mooch who had been promising to get a job for four years and not doing it, causing them terrible financial hardship.

I'm pregnant now and have been thinking about whether or not to tell our kid someday how it was that we came to be together. I know I'll probably tell him that I was married twice before marrying his father, and that I had a "good divorce" (amicable, still friends) and a "bad divorce" (complete with my ex coming to my new place to rape me, though that part is unlikely to be passed on to a child).

My husband and I felt terrible guilt over the three months we spent seeing each other in secret, but the love we had for one another was overwhelming and has only grown since. I'd take the guilt and everything else all over again in a heartbeat--I'd do it all again, with only minimal changes. This thread has given me good food for thought about talking to my son-to-be about all this someday!

Interesting question! I wonder about this sometimes.
DH & I met and got together when he was married with two DD.
The DD are lovely DSDs now - we have always had a great relationship, and they have been wonderful elder sisters to DH & I two DS.
I do wonder if our DSs will ask about how we got together, but they have never asked, or shown any curiosity about why their sisters have a different mother ( they have met her, and she has been lovely to them)
Maybe if they had been girls they would have shown more interest - eg have never asked to see our wedding photos
They are teenagers with far more pressing concerns about their own relationships. If they ever do ask us, we will talk through what happened. and explain that human relationships are complicated...

And my opinion does not detract from the fact that it's a very good thing you and your DH have found happiness together. Sounds like you are thoroughly decent folk wanting to do the right thing. But perhaps the time has come to focus on the future and keep things simple for your family. Life isn't straightforward is it. All the best with what you decide to do x

Don't burden the kids with it. Don't turn it into some kind of life lesson for them not to hurt people and don't use dumping it on them as your hair shirt!

It's about them, not you.

If they ask - I never asked my parents, keep it on a non emotional need to know basis.

Kids SHOULDN'T know everything, and lying isn't always bad.

You think I'm wrong to lie to my 6yo "mummy and daddy just weren't true loves darling, and sometimes you don't realise that for a while" instead of "your dad had a nasty prostitite habit"?

Of course I'm not.

When / if they ask about weddings you can casually say "actually it was my second wedding". You can even say you left your husband to be with their father. No need to use the word affair, and definitely don't dump all the emotional stuff on them!

Really good to get some different perspectives, thank you. Has definitely made me think that maybe it is time to let go and not torture ourselves anymore over the past.

Interesting to hear from others in similar position too.

I was expecting a flaming to be honest. I've frequented the relationships board enough over the years to know the devastation that affairs cause.

In terms of the children, I think I'll take their lead. I definitely don't want to wilfully lie to them if they ask anything outright but they don't need all the gory details one night over dinner! And my emotional baggage shouldn't become theirs, I've experienced that myself with my parents and it's not something I want to repeat with them.

I think my upbringing could make me go to the extreme the other way resulting in me being too honest and I never thought about that until you all pointed out that they don't need to know everything.

We're such a happy family and I count my lucky stars every day with what we have. Perhaps it's time to let go of the negative feelings surrounding how we got to where we are. I wouldn't want that to have a knock on effect to our kids.

I don't know, I have always told her the basic truth that her dad met her now step mum when she was a baby, and that is how she has siblings on his side of the family. She is old enough to figure out the rest, but seems to just accept that basic premise.

I think leaving a marriage is hard (I left my second marriage; no third party involved). But it is not your children's issue. Simply I was married when I met your dad and that marriage didn't work out is enough. Part of the issue with your parents etc finding out is the lying and deceit, whereas your DC have a different perspective - you and your DP have always been together and always been their parents.

Sometimes people make mistakes in marriage, and we are lucky we live in a time and place where you don't have to lie on the bed you made. But whatever emotions were involved, these are your issue. Your children were born of love, not hurt and guilt, that is what they need to know.

Sorry, her is my DD!